Masturbate before it is too late!

[gozulin]

Today I have unveiled the most sinister of all conspiracies. A malefic plot orchestrated by The Master Of All Evil, The Father Of Lies, the one known as Iblis, Lucifer and Baal: I am speaking of Satan himself!

Yes, I say! We, humanity, have allowed a foul, evil creature to grow and prosper. This obscenity is as perverse and cruel as it's terrible master and a bane upon life itself. It's only focus is to kill. KILL KILL KILL! Not only to feed but also for its sole amusement. And it is a slow murder, it will torture it's victim at length before it butchers it.

I am speaking, of course, of kittens.

If you are shocked by this revelation, it is only because you are solidly ensnared in the trap the Devil has elaborated for all of humanity: You think they're cute!

But why? WHY? Think about it you innocent fools! Yes, they are soft. Yes they have pretty eyes and compelling meows. Squirrels share many of those characteristics and we like them much less. Of course, you're going to say that cats ACT cuter than squirrels. They purr, and they lick your hand and they rub you and cuddle against you.

Sure, ok. All true. But how are those indicators of personality? My cat also rubs against tables. So..I am as loved as a...table? The licking is purely tit-for-tat. You lick me (pet me), I lick you. sheep also collaborate, we eat them. The cuddling is sharing of warmth and a cat is just as likely to "cuddle" with a router. So far, I'm as loved as a table or a router. Great!

And, guess how many times I've gotten scratched? THOUSANDS! And I have felt THOUSANDS of pangs of pain. If you put all that pain together, It will be more pain than I've ever felt by being kicked in the balls. And I got kicked in the balls SEVERAL TIMES! And all this pain, I get for trying to play with my kitten to make her happy. But does she retract her claws? No sir! She'll draw blood. I've lost pints of blood over the years. So yeah, you can go ahead and add ungratefulness to wanton murder and gratuitous torture.

Gentlemen: The fact is kittens are horrible creatures and we have no business raising them. We are "aiding and abetting" evil and we will pay a price for that. The truth is we are only doing it because it pleases is us to do so. Because WE are not threatened by kittens. Though I promise you that kittens cause more human deaths a year than sharks. How is that for ugky naked truth?

And yet here we are. After this lengthy tirade of mine. I have proved beyond reasonable doubt that kittens are evil. Yet I still cannot break the spell Satan has put over me. All I feel for kittens is love and all I want to do is pet them and cuddle with them. This is the greatest tragedy of all. This compelling warning, clear as the white flame of purity is bound to be read, aknowledged and then ignored.

WOE US! WOE US FOR WE ARE DAMNED!

[Ducky]

What the fuck is this shit about?

[Sacr3D]

lay off the crack man

[spudlyff8fan]

Man Sacr3D, I'm thinking your avvy should have Storm with the mohawk in it.

[tsumi]

okay so kittens are.....evil? so fucking what? They can't do shit to us.....fuck off

[Sacr3D]

Man Sacr3D, I'm thinking your avvy should have Storm with the mohawk in it.

Wow i forgot storm even had a mohawk before but yeah it would be good !

[Warpticon]

But why? WHY? Think about it you innocent fools! Yes, they are soft. Yes they have pretty eyes and compelling meows. Squirrels share many of those characteristics and we like them much less. Of course, you're going to say that cats ACT cuter than squirrels. They purr, and they lick your hand and they rub you and cuddle against you.

It's funny, because right before I read this post, I read this:

http://www.dfw.com/mld/dfw/news/local/15415881.htm

And everybody loves squirrels, the hell are you talking about?

[Carpet Lint]

Terrible. Just terrible.

How long did that take you? Were you on the bus, bored with nothing to do when you suddenly had a EUREKA moment and thought up this stinker of a new thread idea? And then you thought "I BET MY FELLOW SRK CHUMS WILL APPRECIATE THIS HILARIOUS OBSERVATIONAL COMMENTARY AND FARCE ON THE COMMON INTERNET FAD OF HOW EVERYTIME YOU MASTURBATE GOD KILLS A KITTEN!!! I ONLY HOPE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM HAS SEEN THAT HILARIOUS IMAGE (SHOULD I POST THAT AS WELL????????)"

Or were you hanging out with you idiot white (because I refuse to believe that a member of a minority race thought this idiot shit up) friends and you came up with this hilarious topic of conversation collectively, and you yukked it up and thought of us when you were looking to share it with someone other than the only two people in your life that you can call "friend?"

Or God help you, maybe you found this shit posted on like fucking Gaia Online and decided to copy and paste it here, because everyone over there was like "OMG LOL - by the way I fuck other grown men in mascot costumes!"

I FUCKING HATE YOU

Ban this motherfucker.

[dialupsucky]

Awww cammon these things are just adorablz!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BHJ9eUkjWgY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fDjXTHIZjQs

[gouki10]

Qoute

Owned...............

[Shinto]

I didnt even read it.

[EveryFlowerFlow]

this is one of those random ass topics that either becomes a instant classic or a horrible failure...








guess who.

[Mavric]

Awww cammon these things are just adorablz!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BHJ9eUkjWgY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fDjXTHIZjQs

I think this thread just got saved. Not really but that shit is priceless.

[DaDesiCanadian]

Terrible. Just terrible.

How long did that take you? Were you on the bus, bored with nothing to do when you suddenly had a EUREKA moment and thought up this stinker of a new thread idea? And then you thought "I BET MY FELLOW SRK CHUMS WILL APPRECIATE THIS HILARIOUS OBSERVATIONAL COMMENTARY AND FARCE ON THE COMMON INTERNET FAD OF HOW EVERYTIME YOU MASTURBATE GOD KILLS A KITTEN!!! I ONLY HOPE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM HAS SEEN THAT HILARIOUS IMAGE (SHOULD I POST THAT AS WELL????????)"

Or were you hanging out with you idiot white (because I refuse to believe that a member of a minority race thought this idiot shit up) friends and you came up with this hilarious topic of conversation collectively, and you yukked it up and thought of us when you were looking to share it with someone other than the only two people in your life that you can call "friend?"

Or God help you, maybe you found this shit posted on like fucking Gaia Online and decided to copy and paste it here, because everyone over there was like "OMG LOL - by the way I fuck other grown men in mascot costumes!"

I FUCKING HATE YOU

Ban this motherfucker.

Hhahahahaha.

I agree with this man. But bring back Raul Julia.

[Darkstalker]

We are all witnesses of spontaneous IQ combustion...

[L.one H.iryu S.aga]

I FUCKING HATE YOU

Ban this motherfucker.

This alone would have suited the thread just fine but I'm glad you went the extra mile.

[Hunter D]

Kittens are adorable. Its fun to watch them play with tennis balls.

[DropKick Murphy]

Samurai Pizza Cats made cats cool. That and Swat Kats.

[shinzaneiken]

Horrible failure...

[Kalypso]

I didnt even read it.

same

[gozulin]

Terrible. Just terrible.

How long did that take you?

About an hour or so I think.

Were you on the bus, bored with nothing to do when you suddenly had a EUREKA moment and thought up this stinker of a new thread idea? And then you thought "I BET MY FELLOW SRK CHUMS WILL APPRECIATE THIS HILARIOUS OBSERVATIONAL COMMENTARY AND FARCE ON THE COMMON INTERNET FAD OF HOW EVERYTIME YOU MASTURBATE GOD KILLS A KITTEN!!! I ONLY HOPE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM HAS SEEN THAT HILARIOUS IMAGE (SHOULD I POST THAT AS WELL????????)"

No, I was in a naturally induced, highly receptive state and I had a revelation. I knew I would be mocked and hassled by my fellow man. That's my lot in life and I accept it as my cross.

Or were you hanging out with you idiot white (because I refuse to believe that a member of a minority race thought this idiot shit up)

How did you manage to mix race in a post about Satan and kittens? HOW?

friends and you came up with this hilarious topic of conversation collectively, and you yukked it up and thought of us when you were looking to share it with someone other than the only two people in your life that you can call "friend?"

As I said, it was a revelation.

Or God help you, maybe you found this shit posted on like fucking Gaia Online and decided to copy and paste it here, because everyone over there was like "OMG LOL - by the way I fuck other grown men in mascot costumes!"

I do not know what Gaia Online is. Apparently you do.

I FUCKING HATE YOU

Well, then you're clearly a serf of Satan sent here to silence me and perpetuate the horrendous tragedy that is taking place RIGHT NOW IN OUR VERY HOMES!

Ban this motherfucker.

Like anyone would listen to a canadian

[Darkstalker]

Dude, that was as cool as The Fury going ape shit on European Extreme.

And by that, I mean totally not.

[EvilKing]

You're such a dork.

[Darkstalker]

Who?

Me?

>_>

<_<

[angryliberal]

ownage
ownage + gob ftw!

[Carpet Lint]

OH SHIT JACKPOT

I thought you'd have the common sense to lie low after this one, maybe spend a couple days yukking it up with your fellow dorkettes making fun about people making fun about the quality of airline food or some shit. And then when the next King *** is crowned you would sneak back quietly.

But we have been blessed with your prescence once again, as you come in to defend your honour and recover what's left of your dignity. Not against the whole threadful of people telling you you're a waste of flesh, but against just me. I like that. Some of that "cut off the head and the body dies" zen shit? Made me doubt whether or not you were truly as stupid as you looked.

And then I read your post, and all doubt was erased.

First off, I see you're going with the total committment angle - not the worst idea. Instead of admitting you fucked up, you're sticking to it. Keep in character. Not bad. That may be the only way you're going to get out of it.

Too bad you're a fucking idiot.

About an hour or so I think.
That's about fifty nine minutes and thirty seconds too long. You could have spent that hour peeling the skin off of your body with a butterknife, and it would have been time better spent.

No, I was in a naturally induced, highly receptive state and I had a revelation. I knew I would be mocked and hassled by my fellow man. That's my lot in life and I accept it as my cross.
It's at least comforting to know that YOU know you're a fucking idioit.

Nice move starting off a post by admitting a history of fucking idiocy, and being called on it by your "fellow man".

How did you manage to mix race in a post about Satan and kittens? HOW?
Because it's not really about that at all.

It's about a fat white boy sitting at the computer in his family's den because his parents forbid him from keeping it in his room somewhere in Dumbass, America thinking that it would be a great idea to write a post up about an internet fad that peaked maybe two years ago. And for some reason thinking it was funny enough to share with other people.

ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US

(OMG did you catch that? I made a hilarious, thinly veiled reference to the ALLYOURBASE video - YOU EVER SEE THAT? It was SO funny. AND IT STILL IS!!!)

As I said, it was a revelation.
Random, totally unrelated question - when you get up off the seat and turn around address your fecal matter, is it on a first or last name basis? Because last name is more respectful, but first name is more intimate and friendly - I'd like to know your stance on the matter.

I do not know what Gaia Online is. Apparently you do.
HI-LARIOUS

Well, then you're clearly a serf of Satan sent here to silence me and perpetuate the horrendous tragedy that is taking place RIGHT NOW IN OUR VERY HOMES!
In that vein, I'd like sincerely express my wishes that you're invovled in a freak Bey blade (You are a Beyblader - as in, one that Beyblades) accident that severs your fingers off so we don't need to read your relevations anymore.

Like anyone would listen to a canadian
OMG HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS CANADIAN????????????????

Oh shit - I bet you read "Toronto" under my name and somehow - IMPOSSIBLY - deducted that I LIVED IN CANADA????????? Jesus Christ, you are the fucking gay love child of Sherlock Holmes, Batman, and Nancy Drew, because there's no other way you could have been that smart.

SHIT THAT IS WITTY AS FUCK

A dig about my location and country of residence - I CANNOT KEEP UP WITH YOUR FANTASTICAL BRAINPOWER

Nevermind that the garbage we ship to Michigan is smarter than half the people in your state. I AM CANADIAN SO THAT = HILARITY

SRK, I want to see these...
Like anyone would listen to a canadian
"OWNAGE LOL HE'S CANADIAN"
...RIGHT AWAY, because his genius and witty ways needs to be recognized and paid tribute to.

Holy shit, I've never been burned that badly. I didn't think anyone would ever make that connection, much less call it out. I feel like someone's just kicked down my igloo home and urinated in my breakfast poutine. You took the winds right out of the sails of my seal-power-assisted-whale-bone-constructed-sail-boat. How am I going to go out and do my daily lumberjacking today?

You sure got the better of me on that one, gozulin.

I'm going to report that one to the mods for discrimination and hope that you will be banned so that no one else has to go through the indignity I just did.

I'm going to kill myself now.

[fishjie]

i lolled (at the stupidity of the thread starter, not his hideously bad post)

[Mr_Punkus]

Like anyone would listen to a canadian
"OWNAGE LOL HE'S CANADIAN"
Since you asked so nicely. :lovin:

[Ne0phyte]

snip
How long did it take you to type that?

[Carpet Lint]

How long did it take you to type that?
Thirty six hours, spread over three weeks, with the help of three official SRK flame consultants that I outsourced the work to for seventy six dollars an hour.

BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT

[RushedDown]

i want my 35 seconds back from reading that post
or u can paypal me 5 dollars

either way i demand repayment

[DeathScythe]

Skimmed through the initial post and after skimming through, I feel retarded. Damn, the heat in Florida must really be getting to these people.

Other than that, Carpet Lint has brought the pain. Anyway, in before lock?

[tondashocka]

You're already been burned enough... my non-SRK friend says you need therapy... but again, I'm sure that I need it too.... but for other reasons.

[VG Emblem]

Hey guys maybe we should masturbate all at the same time so that maybe God will kill Gozulin.

[Irennicus]

I lol'd so hard the World Trade Center fell down.

[Dan?]

That and Swat Kats.

This thread needs chopper backup.

[gozulin]

OH SHIT JACKPOT

I thought you'd have the common sense to lie low after this one, maybe spend a couple days yukking it up with your fellow dorkettes making fun about people making fun about the quality of airline food or some shit. And then when the next King *** is crowned you would sneak back quietly.

But we have been blessed with your prescence once again, as you come in to defend your honour and recover what's left of your dignity. Not against the whole threadful of people telling you you're a waste of flesh, but against just me. I like that. Some of that "cut off the head and the body dies" zen shit? Made me doubt whether or not you were truly as stupid as you looked.

And then I read your post, and all doubt was erased.

First off, I see you're going with the total committment angle - not the worst idea. Instead of admitting you fucked up, you're sticking to it. Keep in character. Not bad. That may be the only way you're going to get out of it.

Too bad you're a fucking idiot.


That's about fifty nine minutes and thirty seconds too long. You could have spent that hour peeling the skin off of your body with a butterknife, and it would have been time better spent.


It's at least comforting to know that YOU know you're a fucking idioit.

Nice move starting off a post by admitting a history of fucking idiocy, and being called on it by your "fellow man".


Because it's not really about that at all.

It's about a fat white boy sitting at the computer in his family's den because his parents forbid him from keeping it in his room somewhere in Dumbass, America thinking that it would be a great idea to write a post up about an internet fad that peaked maybe two years ago. And for some reason thinking it was funny enough to share with other people.

ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US

(OMG did you catch that? I made a hilarious, thinly veiled reference to the ALLYOURBASE video - YOU EVER SEE THAT? It was SO funny. AND IT STILL IS!!!)


Random, totally unrelated question - when you get up off the seat and turn around address your fecal matter, is it on a first or last name basis? Because last name is more respectful, but first name is more intimate and friendly - I'd like to know your stance on the matter.


HI-LARIOUS


In that vein, I'd like sincerely express my wishes that you're invovled in a freak Bey blade (You are a Beyblader - as in, one that Beyblades) accident that severs your fingers off so we don't need to read your relevations anymore.


OMG HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS CANADIAN????????????????

Oh shit - I bet you read "Toronto" under my name and somehow - IMPOSSIBLY - deducted that I LIVED IN CANADA????????? Jesus Christ, you are the fucking gay love child of Sherlock Holmes, Batman, and Nancy Drew, because there's no other way you could have been that smart.

SHIT THAT IS WITTY AS FUCK

A dig about my location and country of residence - I CANNOT KEEP UP WITH YOUR FANTASTICAL BRAINPOWER

Nevermind that the garbage we ship to Michigan is smarter than half the people in your state. I AM CANADIAN SO THAT = HILARITY

SRK, I want to see these...

"OWNAGE LOL HE'S CANADIAN"
...RIGHT AWAY, because his genius and witty ways needs to be recognized and paid tribute to.

Holy shit, I've never been burned that badly. I didn't think anyone would ever make that connection, much less call it out. I feel like someone's just kicked down my igloo home and urinated in my breakfast poutine. You took the winds right out of the sails of my seal-power-assisted-whale-bone-constructed-sail-boat. How am I going to go out and do my daily lumberjacking today?

You sure got the better of me on that one, gozulin.

I'm going to report that one to the mods for discrimination and hope that you will be banned so that no one else has to go through the indignity I just did.

I'm going to kill myself now.

I could spend the next half hour answering your lenghty post, but instead, I'll summarize it for you:

You suck. I rule. Deal with it.

<pwnt>

Kthx bbye now!

[Kool-Aid Ryu]

^Wow. Carpet Lint has been owned. I wouldn't even try to respond to Gozulin. Just try and save face somewhere else

[DeathScythe]

I could spend the next half hour answering your lenghty post, but instead, I'll summarize it for you:

You suck. I rule. Deal with it.

<pwnt>

Kthx bbye now!




I love these kinds of posts. They just generally summarize how hard people get beasted on.

[DaDesiCanadian]

i got destroyed but i'm going to still try and make a weak comeback.

Sorry no.

Carpet Lint went OG SRK on his ass.

[fishjie]

I could spend the next half hour answering your lenghty post, but instead, I'll summarize it for you:

You suck. I rule. Deal with it.

<pwnt>

Kthx bbye now!

no.

(filler)

[LimeGreenPatato]

obviously this douche bag just copied this from another forum somewhere.

Nice try at being funny asshole.

[gozulin]

obviously this douche bag just copied this from another forum somewhere.

Nice try at being funny asshole.

I wrote this.
Yes, it's a try at being funny.
No, not everybody has got my sense of humor.
Yes, at least one person will read this and like it.
No, douchebag is not two words.
Yes, one of your female relatives is a lady of uncertain reputation.

<pwnt>

[Dan?]

I wrote this.
Yes, it's a try at being funny.
No, not everybody has got my sense of humor.
Yes, at least one person will read this and like it.
No, douchebag is not two words.
Yes, one of your female relatives is a lady of uncertain reputation.

<pwnt>

Why are you still posting? Didn't Carpet Lint already send you to...ANOTHER DIMENSION!?!?!

[fishjie]

I wrote this.
Yes, it's a try at being funny.
No, not everybody has got my sense of humor.
Yes, at least one person will read this and like it.
No, douchebag is not two words.
Yes, one of your female relatives is a lady of uncertain reputation.

<pwnt>

i think if you want to save face, you should quietly delete this thread.

[Sanchez]

Carpet Lint's beasting makes me feel alive.

This gozulin fucker reeks of Gaia.

[Vy Low]

Everyone in this thread needs to lighten up...

seriously...

[Lilman]

Goz plz stop ur making Floridians look bad. And if u keep posting this crap God will probably give u a brain tumor or something to keep u away from ur computer.

[gozulin]

Everyone in this thread needs to lighten up...

seriously...

Listen to this man you bitter, hateful mob! Where is the love for your fellow man? Does Satan have such a firm hold on your hearts? Repent before it is too late!

[fishjie]

with every post made, the hole you've dug keeps getting deeper.

[Shinto]

Hey guys maybe we should masturbate all at the same time so that maybe God will kill Gozulin.

:rofl:

[Kool-Aid Ryu]

Seriously, ya'll niggas need to lighten up. The man defeated Sheng Long for Christ's sake.

[DropOff]

Why are you still posting? Didn't Carpet Lint already send you to...ANOTHER DIMENSION!?!?!
Well yeah, but after the forums were destroyed in the previous saga we had to wish every poster alive at the time back to life, which explains Bear Ryomas return.

Excuse me while I train at one billion times earths gravity.