Deep Thoughts, by Jack handey

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Jack Handey/handy quotes (http://www.cco.net/~jpete/deepthou.htm)

I'm not sure if it's spelt handy or handey, but the book on SNL says Handey (http://img294.imageshack.us/img294/8350/deepthoughtsta4.jpg)

My fav quotes:

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. 'Oh, no,' I said, 'Disneyland burned down.' He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.


hahaha all this stuff is golden. Its not the original though :sad:, but funny as hell to read when high/sober. Better when high though. :rofl:

[Carpet Lint]

I've always liked "It's a shame a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs."

Jack Handey and Mitch Hedberg have that whole non sequitur thing going that blows my brain.

I think there's a whole stash of material from them both on Wikipedia somewhere (go look yourselves, lazy motherfuckers) that will waste like an hour of your time.

[ThePurpleBunny]

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go. Because man, they're gone.

I've never forgotten this one.

[Clay]

God I miss Mitch. RIP, man.
I like an escalator, man, 'cause an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be a "Escalator temporarily out of order" sign, only "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
Me and my friends did acid in the woods, 'cause there was much less chance of running into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. And that is way more of a buzz kill. I looked around and saw my friend swearing to prevent forest fires. Later, he came up to me and said, "Mitchell. Smokey is way more intense in person."
On a traffic light red means stop, yellow means slow down, and green means go. But on a banana its the opposite, Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead and red means "Where the fuck did you get that banana at?"
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I'm against picketing but I don't know how to show it.
But Jack Handey was good too.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.

[ThePurpleBunny]

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

:rofl:

[final_cut]

Hedberg:
I saw a wino eating grapes the other day. I was like:
DUDE! you gotta WAIT!

[Night]

My favs are the lava one and:

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

[DropOff]

My personal favorite isn't on there. So I'll try to cobble it together out of memories.

Why can't crows and caterpillers just be friends? One eats leaves the other eats cater- oh wait.

[Taichi]

Uncle Caveman for the win

[archetype]

:rofl:


:lol: :lol: :lol: :rofl: :lol:

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If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the inpression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

Tramps FTW!:rofl:

[epsilon_]

I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't know I'm using blanks.

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

golden, this guy rocks.

[mholla77]

Jack Handey:

"The crows are calling my name", thought Caw

:rofl:

[Muff Daddy]

Have you ever seen a child, on his way to school, have a car drive past and splash him, and then he just stands there and thinks if he should just go to school or go home and change and be late... And then I drove past and splashed him again!

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron! and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice. Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my Grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car.

Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet. ^ :lol:

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

and my favorite:

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

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I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.


:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl: