What's The Oddest thing your parent(s) have ever said to you?

[Shadow Ace 50]

for me

mom- 'all men know how to do is think with thier penis"

dad - "you have the sex drive of 10 prison guys dont you?"



first of all....wtf? im going to always remember this because this was disturbing to me on so many levels.. so what about you guys im sure you have A-plus material..lol

[Evo M]

Mom: "Your dad said I made love like a paraplegic"

Me: "What ... the fuck ..."

And then there was this (well, it wasn't said to me, but it was fucking weird regardless)

My sister: "I said I didn't have time to put the clothes in the washer! I even told you that before I left"

Mom: "YOU ARE THE WEAKEST LINK. GOODBYE!"

My sister: "What ... the fuck ..."

Ahh ... my mother.

[Son Them All]

Dad - "I know I should tell you to wrap it up and be safe every time, but honestly....it feels SOOOOO MUCH better raw. Get away with it if you can"

[Lantis]

Mom: "I'm gonna put you in video game rehab!"
Me: "I think the word you're looking for is...pussy."

[white shadow]

Dad- *randomly calls to me* "If you never remember anything else I tell you remember this- always keep your hands soft son, girls like soft hands."
-----------------------

Mom- *walks toward light* "How many times do I have to tell you to turn off the light!"

Me- Sorry...

*Mom continues to walk past light switch still on*

[Rhio2k]

Dad: If you ever see someone who looks *just* like you...run. Make any excuse you need to get away from that place.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Dad: Everybody has an assassin somewhere.

Me: ??

Dad: What I mean is, in this world, there is at least one person who you may never meet who will try to kill you for whatever reason, or no reason at all. A person like that exists for everybody on earth.

[BornAgainCommunist]

I came home from school when i was little and my father was smoking a joint on the porch. He asked me how school was. I said it was dirty. He slapped me in the face.

[The Epidemic]

Dad: If you ever see someone who looks *just* like you...run. Make any excuse you need to get away from that place.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Dad: Everybody has an assassin somewhere.

Me: ??

Dad: What I mean is, in this world, there is at least one person who you may never meet who will try to kill you for whatever reason, or no reason at all. A person like that exists for everybody on earth.

:rofl: i can picture one of my uncles saying something like this...

[Ne0phyte]

My sister (jokingly): Mom, Jackey's masturbating in the bath tub!
My mom: Everyone masturbates in the bathtub.

[Shortterm]

Dad- *randomly calls to me* "If you never remember anything else I tell you remember this- always keep your hands soft son, girls like soft hands."
-----------------------

Mom- *walks toward light* "How many times do I have to tell you to turn off the light!"

Me- Sorry...

*Mom continues to walk past light switch still on*

:rofl:

[v1y]

Dad: *overhearing talk about rape on the radio*. "Rape... haha. Yeah... years ago, when i would come home from work, your mom was still sleeping... but i'd want to have sex anyways... so i'd just do my business and get out. In the morning she'd be like, "you raped me", and i'd be like, "you've been watching too much oprah".

Mom: (Talking about getting breast implants) "Imagine if your dick was so small that no condom fit on it. that's how i feel with bras".

[Digitalbooty]

Wow, I guess my parents are pretty normal...

[woof]

"remember, don't date black people or mexicans"




my dad is spanish

....
i still dont know if he was joking or not

[Taichi]

"Stealing is a victimless crime.......like rape."

[DaDesiCanadian]

-----------------------

Mom- *walks toward light* "How many times do I have to tell you to turn off the light!"

Me- Sorry...

*Mom continues to walk past light switch still on*

This used to happen to me like every other day. :rofl:

Glad to know i'm not the only one.

[Monte]

"Stealing is a victimless crime.......like rape."

i thought this was the oddest parent quote thread, not the truest quote thread :looney:

[epsilon_]

Dad: If you ever see someone who looks *just* like you...run. Make any excuse you need to get away from that place.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Dad: Everybody has an assassin somewhere.

Me: ??

Dad: What I mean is, in this world, there is at least one person who you may never meet who will try to kill you for whatever reason, or no reason at all. A person like that exists for everybody on earth.

lmao wtf

[CoMpOuNd]

dad - Give me a massage.... nigga...

word

[EveryFlowerFlow]

Grandma: "Does you penis get hard at all?"

...This happened more than once...

[karate_ghost]

my sister:"hay mom, what should i do when i grow up?"
mom:"take breast classes"
my mom speaking to me at a early age:"there comes a time when some stuff comes out of your 'thingy', so when that time comes do it in the toilet".
WTF!!!!!!

[Javid]

This happened in a mall as we were walking, a hot girl walks by, my dad just gazes like a mad man.

Me: "Dad, maybe next time you don't want to make it so obvious next time"

Dad: "You keep looking at your balls, while I'll look at hot women"

Me: :confused:

[MrBuster]

Dad: If you ever see someone who looks *just* like you...run. Make any excuse you need to get away from that place.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Dad: Everybody has an assassin somewhere.

Me: ??

Dad: What I mean is, in this world, there is at least one person who you may never meet who will try to kill you for whatever reason, or no reason at all. A person like that exists for everybody on earth.

Your dad is winng the "Mindfuck" award so far.

Here's mine

Me: Damn, what that smell around the room.

Mom: Is it your upper lip?

Me: *Looking dumbfounded* No.

Mom: Damn, Cuz i farted.

[Million]

dad told me a story about his experience smoking weed back in his college days. If he's for real, maybe it could've been something a little stronger than that...anyway, he said he was high, and suddenly noticed God was sitting on the edge of the bed at his apartment....and God was a giant, talking roach, who was also smoking...God apparently took a hit and said "yeah...this is what it's all about." Dad called up my mom, panicked because he didn't know what to make of this situation.

[Xero Kaiser]

Mom: When you were a baby you had to be feed a special formula in a bottle
Dad: You should've got your milk the old fashioned way *makes sucking noises*

[Digitalbooty]

dad told me a story about his experience smoking weed back in his college days. If he's for real, maybe it could've been something a little stronger than that...anyway, he said he was high, and suddenly noticed God was sitting on the edge of the bed at his apartment....and God was a giant, talking roach, who was also smoking...God apparently took a hit and said "yeah...this is what it's all about." Dad called up my mom, panicked because he didn't know what to make of this situation.

That's gotta be the good shit.

[Stuckey]

Mom (to my fiance): You probably don't like having sex on the floor because Jon (that's me) takes too long to finish...

Dad: You need rehab. I'm serious. You're addicted to video games worse than I was addicted to dope.

[MrBuster]

dad told me a story about his experience smoking weed back in his college days. If he's for real, maybe it could've been something a little stronger than that...anyway, he said he was high, and suddenly noticed God was sitting on the edge of the bed at his apartment....and God was a giant, talking roach, who was also smoking...God apparently took a hit and said "yeah...this is what it's all about." Dad called up my mom, panicked because he didn't know what to make of this situation.

^^^ :rofl::rofl::rofl: wtf?

[Zachman]

Mom: All you do is watch "27"
Me: WTF?

[axeman61]

Mom: You play a game where two people fight each other and there is no benefit there either.
Me: ...I have fun though. Is losing money fun for you? Is that what's hot on the streets right now? Losing money on dumb stuff?
-My mom and I, after I found out she spends at least 10 bucks a day on the lottery (in Michigan, Daily 3 and 4 digit) and pointed out to her the 1/10,000,000 chance of striking it big.

Mom: It's going to be like those prison shows where them men fuck you in your asshole.
-She was joking. We were discussing a tax-related debt I owed and jail came up. Still, considering my mom, that comment came straight out of an ocean-blue left field.

[karate_ghost]

Mom: When you were a baby you had to be feed a special formula in a bottle
Dad: You should've got your milk the old fashioned way *makes sucking noises*

i was fed the old way!!!:sad:

[Azrael]

Dad: Son, you know I've "hidden" Playboy's in this room, right?
Me: Yeah, I know.
Dad: You never seem to look at them.
Me: Well, uh, I just never thought about it. (truthfully, I used to ninja-steal that shit all the time, before the internet became awesome)
Dad: Well, you should. There's naked women in there.
Me: Okay, uh, thanks.
Dad: ...The articles are quite interesting as well.

------------------

Mom (regarding Dad's Playboy stash): I don't get what the big deal about these magazines are. It's like, you've seen one pair of breasts, you've seen them all.

------------------

Dad (at my graduation dinner, college friends are there): You know, Americans are too uptight. We don't like talking about natural processes of nature. I mean, remember the ruckus caused by that one lady Jocelyn Elders...
Me, Mom: Don't do it, don't do it, PLEASE don't do it...
Dad: And masturbation.
Me, Mom: ....Aaaaaaaand there it is.
Dad: I mean, it's a perfectly natural thing. I do it. (Az) does it. I'm sure everyone here at this table has done it or continues to do it. And yet we all don't want to talk about it.

------------------

Mom: Don't look at porn. Ted Bundy used to look at porn. You see how he turned out? Porn makes people into serial killers.

------------------

(I was 16 years old, riding in the car w/Dad)
Dad (out of NOWHERE): So, are you having sex?
Me: ...What?! No, of course not! I'm only 16!
Dad: What do you mean "only". You're "already" sixteen. You should be having sex.
Me: ...WTF!!
Dad: You need some help? I can come to your school and recruit some girls for you...
Me: No! Jesus, no! Just, let's stop this conversation.
Dad: Okay, okay.
(5 minutes of silence)
Dad: Tell me you're at least masturbating.

------------------

(Mom on my current girlfriend)
Mom: She's nice, I like her a lot.
Me: I'm glad to hear it.
Mom: Now, you be gentle with her, you hear?
Me: Yeah, I know.
Mom: ...And I mean sex too, don't be rough with her during sex.
Me: OH GOD, STOP TALKING!
Mom: She's not that big, you could hurt her. Take it easy, you don't want to tear up the plumbing down there. I want grandchildren one day.

------------------

(Meeting my ex for the first time)
Dad (it's been like an HOUR since they've first met): So, are you guys having sex?
Mom (kicks him under the table): Don't be stupid, they've been dating for over 6 months, of course they are.

------------------

(Regarding one of my female friends)
Dad: She's a nice girl.
Me: Yeah, she's okay.
Dad: She's cute too. You ever hit it?
Me: Err, we're not friends like that.
Dad: ...Mind if I?

[Javid]

Az I think you take the thread so far. Damn I wish I knew your parents.

[EndLeSS8]

This thread is GOLD

I rofled hard

[Yasashiyama]

That I was supposed to be a girl.

No, seriously.

[DS]

*reading newspaper*

Mom: You're not gay, are you?

Me: *underneath my breathe* You fucking bitch.

Mom: Well?

Me: No. Can you stop wasting precious time? I'm trying to read here.

[Septimus Prime]

Mom: You use condoms, right?
Me: :confused:
Mom: Don't get anyone pregnant.

This was my "birds and the bees" talk.

[white shadow]

*SNIP*

:rofl: But seriously your dad seems to me a horngod and your mom a prude, how the hell does that work?:wonder:

[kimterran]

haha this thread is full of win!

[woof]

also my mom text messaged me a few weeks ago while i was out with other people

it read "HEY ERIC RARE IS AWESOME THEY MADE DONKEY KONG"

[MuD]

I could go on and on about the weird things my parents say. They're way too open with me and my siblings. But one of the ones that caught me off guard was:

Mom to me: "Im glad you got over being a teen. You were such an asshole! I really hated you for about 3 years there."

[Sex)packets]

i left my porn on one night on my comp and my dad found it.

"son, that stuff is only for after you get a girlfriend."

i dont know what he meant by that.

[3b1r4h]

"if you get married before you are 30 i'm going to break your legs" - mom.

[Mizuki]

Mom: Go to hell.

[Dasrik]

No wonder all you people are fucked up.

My parents are the best.

[Shazay]

"Oh no, your not grounded. Go the fuck outside!"

[Alzarath]

You guys have fucking awesome parents :rofl:

[valaris]

Mom: You use condoms, right?
Me: :confused:
Mom: Don't get anyone pregnant.

This was my "birds and the bees" talk.

I didn't get the Birds and Bees talk. All my parents ever told me was "Don't let your sister catch you". They were afraid the young mind of my 5 year old sister would be scarred by such a sight.

As a preventive measure: Fuck you, no I don't have pics of said 5 year old sister.

[Lick Me Off]

These are pretty great, but these two were my favorite:

I came home from school when i was little and my father was smoking a joint on the porch. He asked me how school was. I said it was dirty. He slapped me in the face.

Dad: If you ever see someone who looks *just* like you...run. Make any excuse you need to get away from that place.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Dad: Everybody has an assassin somewhere.

Me: ??

Dad: What I mean is, in this world, there is at least one person who you may never meet who will try to kill you for whatever reason, or no reason at all. A person like that exists for everybody on earth.


Convo with my mom about my girlfriend (at the time):

Mom: So how are things going with your ho.
Me: She's my girlfriend mom, not my ho.
Mom: That what people say nowadays.
Me: So does that make you dad's "ho"?
Mom: No, he's my ho. Im his ho-master.
Me: :confused:....please dont say that again.

[Chozen1]

are you ok??

[Azrael]

:rofl: But seriously your dad seems to me a horngod and your mom a prude, how the hell does that work?:wonder:
It doesn't, really.

I remembered a few more.

------------------------------

Mom: I was convinced you were going to be a girl, right up until birth.
Me: Well, um...sorry?
Mom: You were going to be Jennifer. When you became older, we'd braid each others hair and go shopping together...
Me: ...
Mom: We can't really do that now, can we?
Me: I don't think so.

------------------------------

(This was my version of the Birds and the Bees talk. I came home one day to find a porn VHS in my room. I made sure to watch it a couple of times before checking with Dad about it...)
Me: Hey Dad, did you, uh, forget a video in my room?
Dad: I didn't forget it, that's yours now.
Me: ...Huh?
Dad: You should watch it. It'll teach you what goes where.
Me: ...Ummmmmmmm
Dad: Now, there are some parts you may want to emulate. But not all. It depends on the girl. That's something you'll have to figure out on your own.

------------------------------

Me: Mom, I need you to do me a huge favor. I don't want discussion about it, I don't want to go into it, just give me a "Yes I can" or "No I can't" and lets end it there. Can you do this?
Mom: Okay.
Me: Okay. Whew, OK, here goes. Can you send me up a couple of boxes of condoms?
Mom: ...Yes.
Me: (relieved this didn't become an issue) Thank you.
Mom: ...So, you're having sex huh?
Me: See, this is exactly the road I didn't want to go down.
Mom: Okay, okay.
(30 seconds of silence)
Mom: Do you need regulars, or magnums?

------------------------------

Friend: You know, you'd always told me the wild stories about your Dad and his sex talks, but it wasn't until he started talking about masturbation at your graduation dinner table until it really hit me.

------------------------------

Mom: And it was really embarrasing to have to buy condoms for you! The male clerk gave me this look as if to say "What are you going to do with these?" So then I had to explain that they weren't for me, but for my son in Japan. He said that I was a very good mother.

------------------------------

Dad: How come you never told me there was porn on the internet? I need to buy a better computer now.

[maxx]

me and my mom watching south of nowhere...the main character is bi:

mom: do you know bisexual people?

me: yah, i know a bunch

mom: you know bi sexual guys?

me: ya i know bisexual guys and girls

mom: really?!

me: ya..i know more girls than guys

mom: oh...is-=insert best friends name=- bisexual

me: wtf? why does that matter

mom: it doesn't...i'd love her all the same

mom:ARE YOU BISEXUAL?

me: WTF?! nooo!! i'm 100% straight...wtf where did you get that idea

mom: i dunno, you said you knew bisexual people.

(mind you she's 53,black, and thinks a lipring is an act against god. pretty much confirmed my disownage if i got one)

----------------------------------------------------

-=i stumble in high on cough syrup=-

mom: so are you high

me: (not sure whats worse cough syrup or weed) yes?

mom: did you have fun?

me: uhhh..yes?

mom: ok well go to the bathroom cause you don't want to wet yourself in bed and go to sleep

(wtf? when did weed make u piss yourself...its not alcohol)

--------------------------------------------------------

oh then theirs the conversation where my mom pretty much oked i can smoke weed as long as i'm safe haha.

[Kayin]

Az's dad is fucking awesome. :rofl:

[RushedDown]

my father kicked the bathroom door off the hinges when i was 14 and wackin it and screamed its time for dinner

i almost had a fuckin heart attack

and my parents were wicked doped up way back so i couldnt make out much of what they said

[Yos]

Mom-"he's not going to eat, he's eating his game!" (in Chinese make more sense)

[KStella55]

I can't recall anything weird my parents have said to me but I do remember my friends father talking about this girl, "Man she was so hot I would out eat corn cobb out of her butthole."

[woof]

az has the best parents

[Rick Fn Stalvey]

clip...

Those stories are GOLD!! In my head your Dad had OJ's voice and you Mom had the voice of Chef's Mom from South Park.:rofl::rofl: Does that make me a bad person.....:sweat:

[Million]

Grandfather was full of odd "southern folk" sayings: "Great day in the mornin'!", which is sometimes followed up by "Lightnin' struck a pine!". <---these phrases are basically a way to say "Holy shit!" to something that surprises you. There's also "...that nigga crazier than a road lizard.", which of course made me wonder just how crazy is a "road lizard"? He also would give a warning to stay away from "niggas that got hips wider than the shoulders", because something's usually wrong with them...and also niggas with a narrow head like a dog(doberman pincher especially) tend to be foolish. Amazingly, that tends to be true on so many occasions.

*I'll definitely have some interesting things to say to my future son or daughter... "Son, think it's time I told you about the time I set myself on fire...I know you don't believe me, so here's the footage..." Ohhhh man...I'll be the coolest/most interesting dad in the world.

[asianhitler]

I wanna set up lunch with Az's dad and hear his stories! :rofl:

[J-ride]

"you've been watching too much oprah."

Your dad is a saint, and clearly one of the wisest men who have ever lived.

Dad: "J-ride, one day you are going to learn that there are good women out there you marry, decent women you have sex with, and really bad women you have sex with and then push out of a moving vehicle when you find out she is fucking your brother."



My mother and my sister are both feminists, so Dad fights the good fight by being as ridiculously sexist as he possibly can. He takes great pride in pissing them off, and of course, I have to join in on the fun.

My sister: bla bla bla womens lib.

Dad: See, you keep thinking for yourself and being a bitch, no man is ever going to want to marry you.

My sister: bla bla bla unrealistic expectations.

Dad: Well, good luck with that, personally, I think you need a strong God fearing man to put you in your place and tell you to get your ass in the kitchen.

Mom: Grrrrr

Dad: What are you doing out here? Dinner is not ready yet. GET YOUR ASS BACK IN THAT KITCHEN!!!

[white shadow]

Dad: How come you never told me there was porn on the internet? I need to buy a better computer now.

And you never saw him again...

[J-ride]

Mom: You have to be careful J-ride, so many women out there will act genuine and then as soon as you have sex with them, BAM they get pregnant and you are trapped!

Dad: Your mother is right, you can't trust women at all, especially the 5ft 6 ones with blue eyes and blonde hair (my mother's description). Next thing you know you will work a dead end job you hate and never be able to get out because she has spent your retirement at Bed, Bath and Beyond. Really the only thing I look forward to is death.

Mom: GRRRR

Dad: Speaking of, I am so glad that mankind has found a way to determine paternity, Oh btw, I am going to need a sample from you (mom) I don't believe she (my sister) could possibly be mine. I'd like to think my genes would have better sense than that.

[Jr7891]

Mom: What the fuck is that you're playing? It sounds like the gayest orgy ever. Is this the shit I gave you $50 for?

Gothic 3 or whatever it was: There were 13 guards in a house with my naked dead body and a boar infinite comboing everyones dick off.

Me: No, its a demo of some random game I downloaded. Gothic something.

Mom: The fuck? Jr, if you ever start wearing that gothic shit, me and every nigga I can gather will kick your ass. What did you buy then?

*Points at modded Street Fighter stick*

Mom: A dildo with buttplugs box?

Me: Its a controller. [The boar finally kills someone and the guy made the gayest noise ever]

Mom: *turns off computer* Why can't you be normal? Go spend my money on porn and weed like everyone else.

Me: Fuck everyone else.

Mom: You said "You'd fuck everyone else?" Sick bastard.

She then leaves while slapping the stick on the joystick.

[MadGaffler]

Dad: Everybody has an assassin somewhere.


HAHAHAHAhAHA

[MadGaffler]

It doesn't, really.
Mom: I was convinced you were going to be a girl, right up until birth.
Me: Well, um...sorry?
Mom: You were going to be Jennifer. When you became older, we'd braid each others hair and go shopping together...
Me: ...
Mom: We can't really do that now, can we?
Me: I don't think so.
------------------------------
Dad: How come you never told me there was porn on the internet? I need to buy a better computer now.

I love this thread

[urth]

Mom: The fuck? Jr, if you ever start wearing that gothic shit, me and every nigga I can gather will kick your ass. What did you buy then?

*Points at modded Street Fighter stick*

Mom: A dildo with buttplugs box?

Me: Its a controller. [The boar finally kills someone and the guy made the gayest noise ever]

Mom: *turns off computer* Why can't you be normal? Go spend my money on porn and weed like everyone else.


LOL o man.

[thurst]

we were talking about how mike strahan's white wife is divorcing him and taking his half his shit...


grandma: well it serves him right for getting involved with that white whore to begin with
me: wtf, jordan's wife is trying to take half his stuff too. so what does race have to do with it?
grandma: whatever, i just can't wait until you get married to one of those little asian girls and then come back crying about how they got half.
me: *starts picking up pieces of my soul off the ground*

[JackTenrac!]

My mom saying that jungle fever is actually the white man attempting to reclaim slaves through their daughters.

---

> my dad: so you couldn't get your license and she could the first time.
> me: nah
> my dad: well, everyone knows how to drive! Some people can drive us crazy. hahaha.
> me: ????????

---

> my dad: Son, your sister's got nice friends.
> me: they're ok, I guess.
> my dad: you ever dated them.
> me: nah. Most of them are retarded.
> my dad: So? it's fair game.

---

> my mom: I should have given you another "K" in your initials.
*I already have two ks in my name.*

...that went well.

[white shadow]

Mom: You have to be careful J-ride, so many women out there will act genuine and then as soon as you have sex with them, BAM they get pregnant and you are trapped!

Dad: Your mother is right, you can't trust women at all, especially the 5ft 6 ones with blue eyes and blonde hair (my mother's description). Next thing you know you will work a dead end job you hate and never be able to get out because she has spent your retirement at Bed, Bath and Beyond. Really the only thing I look forward to is death.

Mom: GRRRR

Dad: Speaking of, I am so glad that mankind has found a way to determine paternity, Oh btw, I am going to need a sample from you (mom) I don't believe she (my sister) could possibly be mine. I'd like to think my genes would have better sense than that.

Your family is like a reality sitcom except MUCH funnier.:rofl::rofl::clap:

[R3y]

My mom (who was a nurse at the time) explaining to a five year old me exactly where babies came from using a very detailed medical book.

--------------------------------------------------------
Something that happened when I was 6

Me: Hey mom Uncle George is on the phone!
Mom: Why did you accept the call?
Me: Huh?
Mom: Uncle George is in prison and he always calls collect, don't take his calls
Me: Why is he in prison?
Mom: Because he was caught pimping.
Me: What's pimping?
Mom: Selling women for money.
Me: You can do that?
Mom: No, that's why he's in jail, hang up the goddamn phone!

---------------------------------
Also when I was 6 I was sitting on the couch in my living room next to my mom and we were watchinng Best of the best at the part where where Simon Rhee gets the beat down
Me: Wow he got the heck kicked out of him!
(my mom backhands me)
Mom:Don't cuss
Me: Hecks not a cuss word!
(slaps me in the back of the head)
Mom: What did I say!
(Then proceeds to keep slapping me)
Mom: I (slap) said (slap) don't (slap) cuss (slap) in (slap) my(slap) house(slap)

Not as funny as most of the others posted but still pretty random..

[maxx]

Your dad is a saint, and clearly one of the wisest men who have ever lived.

Dad: "J-ride, one day you are going to learn that there are good women out there you marry, decent women you have sex with, and really bad women you have sex with and then push out of a moving vehicle when you find out she is fucking your brother."



My mother and my sister are both feminists, so Dad fights the good fight by being as ridiculously sexist as he possibly can. He takes great pride in pissing them off, and of course, I have to join in on the fun.

My sister: bla bla bla womens lib.

Dad: See, you keep thinking for yourself and being a bitch, no man is ever going to want to marry you.

My sister: bla bla bla unrealistic expectations.

Dad: Well, good luck with that, personally, I think you need a strong God fearing man to put you in your place and tell you to get your ass in the kitchen.

Mom: Grrrrr

Dad: What are you doing out here? Dinner is not ready yet. GET YOUR ASS BACK IN THAT KITCHEN!!!

:sad: if i ever knew my dad...i would have hoped to god he would have been like your's. GOD BLESS YOUR DAD!

[beatsofdevil]

too good

[MrBuster]

Dad: How come you never told me there was porn on the internet? I need to buy a better computer now.

Winner. :rofl:

[Demon Dash]

What's with all the sexual innuendo's?

[Red-Impact]

"remember, don't date black people or mexicans"




my dad is spanish

....
i still dont know if he was joking or not

he wasn't joking I'm spanish and my parents tell me that sort of stuff all the time:rofl:

[FallingEdge]

Mom: You know why you are so sneaky and lie alot? It's because your Cuban. If you were a full blooded Asian, we wouldn't have this problem.
Me: :lol:

[valaris]

I wish there was a way for me to rep your parents.

[Red-Impact]

dad-Why don't you have a girlfriend? you're 19 now
me-Errmm..
dad-what? is your dick broke or something?
------------
me:my aunt is dating a married man?
dad-yep, he's ugly as sin too. I bet the bastard has a huge dick
me+mom::confused:
----------

*porn on the computer*
dad-see, that's the "milk"
me: *inside head* omfg just stop now....


I'm sure there's others of similar fashion,just can't remember today:rofl:

[Koop]

Mom:

"...strictly black girls huh? thats cute...you need to fuck every race before you make your preference just black. Just so you understand the difference."

to me an my sister (our actual 'birds an bees' speech):

" I know yall out there doin the do an whatnot... but let me say this. One, koop wear a condom....ke-ke makes sure those guys are wearing one. Bring a disease or a kid up in here an I will be forced to kick ya azz and possibly kill you. The air force trained me how to accurately."





classic moments cause how cool an direct she was... luv my moms cause she doesnt cut no corners an is raw as they come.

[BrwnbellyYankee]

after finding my fleshlight.

mom:(confronts me while on xbox live) What is this?
me: uhhh...uhh
mom: what do you use it for?
me: uhh.uhh
mom:(turns off system and demands answers)
me: what was that for
mom:(Screams) Answer my question
dad: (enters room flossing his teeth) why are you yelling
mom: look at what your son has
dad: what do you use that for
me: uhh..uhh i have sex with it.
mom:(throws it away)
me: that cost me like 50 dollars
mom: fuck your a pervert (storms outta room) why cant you use your hand
me: no im not, and i got tired of my hand
dad: sooo....whats that thing called, does it feel good.

[Lick Me Off]

after finding my fleshlight.

mom:(confronts me while on xbox live) What is this?
me: uhhh...uhh
mom: what do you use it for?
me: uhh.uhh
mom:(turns off system and demands answers)
me: what was that for
mom:(Screams) Answer my question
dad: (enters room flossing his teeth) why are you yelling
mom: look at what your son has
dad: what do you use that for
me: uhh..uhh i have sex with it.
mom:(throws it away)
me: that cost me like 50 dollars
mom: fuck your a pervert (storms outta room) why cant you use your hand
me: no im not, and i got tired of my hand
dad: sooo....whats that thing called, does it feel good.

:rofl:

[Koop]

after finding my fleshlight.

mom:(confronts me while on xbox live) What is this?
me: uhhh...uhh
mom: what do you use it for?
me: uhh.uhh
mom:(turns off system and demands answers)
me: what was that for
mom:(Screams) Answer my question
dad: (enters room flossing his teeth) why are you yelling
mom: look at what your son has
dad: what do you use that for
me: uhh..uhh i have sex with it.
mom:(throws it away)
me: that cost me like 50 dollars
mom: fuck your a pervert (storms outta room) why cant you use your hand
me: no im not, and i got tired of my hand
dad: sooo....whats that thing called, does it feel good.


classic...:rofl::rofl:

[Ninja Wallace]

Mom: Do you have something to tell me?
Me: What?
Mom: Do you have a giant penis or something?
Me: ...What?
Mom: Because there was pee on the back of the toilet seat. So you must have an enormous penis or something.
Me: Okay, mom.
----------

Dad: Don't eat soup with a small spoon or people will laugh at you.

---------

Dad: What game you playing?
Me: Crackdown.
Dad: Crackhouse!?


after finding my fleshlight.

*Snip*
How the shit do you buy that without your parents knowing?

[Ne0phyte]

How the shit do you buy that without your parents knowing?
:confused:

[Return of Shiki]

Damn...what is wrong with some of your parents?

I feel blessed...the oddest thing my mom ever told me was that I was an unwanted child and my dad wanted to abort me.
I'd much rather have THAT than have my mom talk about how big my dick was or my dad asking about what girls I'm fucking...:wtf:

[JackTenrac!]

How the shit do you buy that without your parents knowing?

Take the money out. Wait a day...then pay in ca$h.

Az's folks always killed me in TTOL v. 2 thread. I didn't know it'd go that far. His girlfriend's mom's the bomb., too. She gave his ass a DS for free.

As for Ne0: if I were her, I'd have a damn good excuse to do so infront of a hand mirror, too.(jizz in the tub)

- Anyway: me and dad going to Chapters to get a book that HE wants.We stop at a search kiosk. He looks at me for a while.
my dad> ....

Then I notice him stare at me. So I look at him all puzzled. I don't know what he wants. He didn't say anything. Then, he blurts out:

>my dad: Operate the damn thing, bowy! You know what to do!

...that went well.

[BrwnbellyYankee]

How the shit do you buy that without your parents knowing?

i've always ordered everything online, bike parts, clothes, movies, books. so my parents got used to packages coming to the house and stopped bothering to ask. plus tracking numbers are godlike, you just see what day it arrives wait till 11am or 1pm (thats when the ups and mailmen come), and intercept the package.

[tl613]

My friend's mom on her first visit to San Francisco...

Mom - Who are these strange little people walking around everywhere?

Friend - What strange people?

Mom - These small people...they kinda look black, but they kinda look Mexican, and they kinda look Asian too!

Me - I think she is referring to the Filipino people...

Mom - Huh? What's that?

[LongSh0t]

*gasp* my dad said masterbate.
ZOMG! My mom said titties!

Wow. Your human parents talked about sex. Wooptie frickin doo. I thought this was the oddest things thread. I'm the fucking king with my dad alone.

So many things, so many things... where to start. hmm how about last month?

Dad: Son, I got it. I'm going quit my job and be a rap star.

Me: Yeah?

Dad: Yeah. Get this, I'm the Plain White Wrapper. PWW for short. I'll wear that old stark white jump-suit from WWII and be a sensation. Here look at my music video:
(whips out digital camera with video. He is dressed in a stark white cotton contracter's jump-suit with a hot-pink baseball cap. He all also has a wall mounted thermomoter around his neck that has had the glass front removed so he can manually adjust the meter. He does this to "turn up the heat." He also has managed to get FOUR gum-chewing booty girls to back up dance with him.)

Dad: Here's the song:
I'm Plain White Wrapper and I'm on the scene
I'm super white hot and I'm always clean.
Gonna take this rap all around the world
with my super hot peeps and my bubble gum girls

I'll stop here. I pretty sure he's going to go for copyrights.

My mom: "You do NOT have five toes!"

Yeah, you can't make this stuff up. White Shadow can back me up on this.

[Rico!]

*upon seeing my hot supervisor*
Mother: damn josh, you could have real good time with her... doesn't have to get serious or anything. You can just tell all your friends about it afterward.
Me: *confused as fuck!!*

I was 14 and the supervisor was 25, btw.

[Lick Me Off]

A convo between my friend and his aunt while we were on a boat.


My friend: Its hot out here.
His aunt: Are your testicles sticking to the sides of your legs?
Me: :confused:

[Jida]

I swear to god some of this shit is 10x better than every sitcom.

[strider999]

Dad: Son, I got it. I'm going quit my job and be a rap star.

Me: Yeah?

Dad: Yeah. Get this, I'm the Plain White Wrapper. PWW for short. I'll wear that old stark white jump-suit from WWII and be a sensation. Here look at my music video:
(whips out digital camera with video. He is dressed in a stark white cotton contracter's jump-suit with a hot-pink baseball cap. He all also has a wall mounted thermomoter around his neck that has had the glass front removed so he can manually adjust the meter. He does this to "turn up the heat." He also has managed to get FOUR gum-chewing booty girls to back up dance with him.)

Dad: Here's the song:
I'm Plain White Wrapper and I'm on the scene
I'm super white hot and I'm always clean.
Gonna take this rap all around the world
with my super hot peeps and my bubble gum girls

I'll stop here. I pretty sure he's going to go for copyrights.



get it up on youtube now.

[xX_Deus_Xx]

dad - "human flesh doesnt taste bad if you dont know that thats what you're eating."

[MESOPOTAMIA]

snip

Yours is more stupid than odd.

[Mechanica]

:rofl: I'm glad parents are still hilarious about sex education. As if there's anyone in the established world who doesn't know where you put the penis.

COCK GOES WHERE

[RoninChaos]

Your dad is a saint, and clearly one of the wisest men who have ever lived.

Dad: "J-ride, one day you are going to learn that there are good women out there you marry, decent women you have sex with, and really bad women you have sex with and then push out of a moving vehicle when you find out she is fucking your brother."



My mother and my sister are both feminists, so Dad fights the good fight by being as ridiculously sexist as he possibly can. He takes great pride in pissing them off, and of course, I have to join in on the fun.

My sister: bla bla bla womens lib.

Dad: See, you keep thinking for yourself and being a bitch, no man is ever going to want to marry you.

My sister: bla bla bla unrealistic expectations.

Dad: Well, good luck with that, personally, I think you need a strong God fearing man to put you in your place and tell you to get your ass in the kitchen.

Mom: Grrrrr

Dad: What are you doing out here? Dinner is not ready yet. GET YOUR ASS BACK IN THAT KITCHEN!!!


Holy SHIT. lol between you and Az's stuff I am fucking dying here. People are staring at me at work I'm laughing so hard.

[FighterX]

There is simply so much quotable shit in this thread, I can't even BEGIN to give a worthy response! :rofl:

[Debaser]

*After finding me watching porn*
Mom: I'm glad you're not gay.
Me::confused:

[Juggy]

snip

Way to bitch then post the least funny shit in the thread.

[HeaT]

on the subject of women

dad: when their young all they ever want to do is fuck...but when they get older, they are more concerned about how the house looks and stupid bullshit...

im outi

Roberth

[Vynce]

Me: "Uh...come in?"

Mother: "Vince, can I ask you something?"

Me: "Yeah, sure."

Mother: "Do you smoke pot?"

Me: "Uhhh...I [i]have. Sometimes I do, yeah."

Mother: "Oh. All right. I'm not mad or anything...I used to smoke when I was younger. [Lots of information later] One time, someone slipped me some angel dust. I took a hit, and I said, 'This...isn't weed.' [More information] I used to be in a gang when I was in high school."
___________________________________________

Mother: "Your sister was conceived to 'Afternoon Delight.'"

___________________________________________

[At McDonald's, when I was 12]
Father: "...And that was the last time she tried to kill herself. She said, if we could have one more child, she would never try to commit suicide again. And, she never did. You sort of saved her life."

[RoninChaos]

The other day my mom called Vince from Entourage "A fuckin' faggot".

Mom (just walks in the door): Hey guys, got some food so you'll stop eating all that unhealthy shit you eat. What are you watching?

Me: Entourage.

Mom: What the fuck is Entourage?

Me: It's this show about Hollywood and this dude and his friends and how they do shit. It's funny as fuck.

Mom: wait, I know this show. This is the one with that girly looking guy.

Me: Who, Vince?

Mom: Yeah, he's a fucking faggot. Enjoy the food I brought. (walks out)

My friend: Dude, your mom did NOT just say that shit. She did not just call Vince a "fucking faggot".

Me: She calls you a *** all the time too. Don't feel bad.

Quotable shit doesn't happen with my mom because it usually consists of her telling me I shouldn't curse so much when she curses like a sailor. She also detests violence towards women so I go out of my way to tell her how often I'd like to cunt punch a chick and throw her down some stairs. It's fucked up. lol

[L.one H.iryu S.aga]

Dad: "You have to watch out for those white women you hear me boy?!" :rofl:

It wasn't necessarily what he said but rather HOW and WHEN he said it. Almost as if they had invaded the Earth and I was its last hope before his final dying breath. Hilarious stuff.

[Kalypso]

also my mom text messaged me a few weeks ago while i was out with other people

it read "HEY ERIC RARE IS AWESOME THEY MADE DONKEY KONG"
Started laughing about 20 minutes ago, haven't stopped.

[white shadow]

[More information] I used to be in a gang when I was in high school."

Was this a female gang or something?:rofl:

[Vynce]

I think it was co-ed, but I'm not sure. She used to carry a deer knife in her boot. I'm not sure if she ever used it. I know she housed a few people, though. She told me about this one time she beat up three girls, consecutively. She punched one of them in the stomache so hard she threw up. She's 5'3".

[LongSh0t]

Yours is more stupid than odd.

A 43 year old white man rapping with booty women? Not the the least bit odd to you eh? Congrats sir, you must have seen some shit on this Earth.

I have to work on uploading that video... although, he does no lyrics, just some dancing shit. He has about three songs now.

[*InVeRs3*]

Mom:Why don't you have a gf?

Me: Thye're too expensive. I do want one but only because I want to beat her when I come home from work every day. I also want her to make sandwhiches.

A few days later:

Uncle: Inverse, so I guess the ladies are treating you well.

Me: What can I say?The ladies have to know that dating me, is a privilage, not a right.

Mom: Well, he wants a girlfriend but he wants to beat her when he goes home from work, and he wants her to make sandwhiches.

My realtives then give the /wtf face, they don't like my dark sense of humor and i think they thought i was serious.

[Raziel321]

During my sophmore year of HS, my mom would drop me off at school. one day i got tired of carrying a backpack around, as it wasnt really that necessary and quite cumbersome, i ditched it and just got a decent sized binder and carried it around with books when needed.

i had an afghan(which i am) flag on the front of my binder, and after a few days my mom questioned my actions:

"How come you don't take your backpack any more? Whats that flag, are you in a gang?"


i denied allegations, as i was in the right, but they didn't believe me at first.

:rolleyes: afghan parents

[JackTenrac!]

During my sophmore year of HS, my mom would drop me off at school. one day i got tired of carrying a backpack around, as it wasnt really that necessary and quite cumbersome, i ditched it and just got a decent sized binder and carried it around with books when needed.

i had an afghan(which i am) flag on the front of my binder, and after a few days my mom questioned my actions:

"How come you don't take your backpack any more? Whats that flag, are you in a gang?"


i denied allegations, as i was in the right, but they didn't believe me at first.

:rolleyes: afghan parents

Luckily, they caught you just in time, before you really started to downplay their heritage.

...that went well.

[Dios <-X->]

*After finding me watching porn*
Mom: I'm glad you're not gay.
Me::confused:

epic win

[kyored]

-Birds and the Bees-

-I was staying with my father when I was 12 and didn't know about sex at the time then 1 day, I was sick staying home from school laying down when:

(Dad enters the room with a tape in his hand and puts it in the VCR.)
Its HARDCORE PORN::wtf: (watches porno for 15 mins, nobody says a word)

He gets up, ejects the tape, starts to leave the room, stops at the door and said:

Dad: ''Oh almost forgot.. Going Ass to mouth is Ok. Just make sure she srubs her mouth real good while brushing her teeth and give her a couple of Tic Tacs. (pause) If your ever going to kiss her again, if not don't worry about. You can go back to sleep now. (Leaves the room)

Me::sweat::wtf::confused::amazed::wasted: (WTF what just happen here, how I'm I suppose to go to sleep after that!)

---- When I was 16 staying with my Mother ----

(mom enters the room)

Mom: You have a different girl every day coming in and out the house so I just want to make sure you had enough condoms.

(throws the bag full of magnum sizecodoms at me.)

Me: (didn't say a word yet)

Mom: ''If you're your father's son then I got the right size. And if you get caught up in the moment and don't have any condoms on then make sure you put your
''-MAN JUICES-'' in her mouth, least that'll keep her teeth white & clean, cause I don't want any more grand kids right now.'' ''I need a beer.''

(mom leaves the room angry)

ME: :amazed: (speechless, slaps hand across my face in embarrassment, then slowly turns towards my ''NEW GIRLFIREND'' who I had not slept with yet and was sitting there beside me the whole time.)

Me: ........

Her: ''We better do what she says cause I don't want any kids ether.'' (winks at me) '' Now what about these ''different girls'' she was talking about.''

Me::wtf:

[beatsofdevil]

"if you are your fathers son!" haha

[JackTenrac!]

- Every time I spoke to a cashier and the cashier laughed, mom said I was flirting with them.

- she bitches about my wittiness every time I use it.

...that went well.

[Silentness!]

Dad: You gotta be firm when you use a screwdriver. It's like a penis going into a vagina, if you rush and jerk the screwdriver (penis) around, the nail (penis slipping out of the vag) will fall out.

>,< yeah umm he does a lot of penis into vagina analogies. (Plug into socket and stuff)

[1/2Man1/2God]

Brother's Bird in a hat!

[Riot Guard]

Mom: I'm a kill you if you go to sleep.

[jim_kim]

Well, our toilet just got a bidet (that thing that cleans your ass with water), of course I didn't know what it was at first, cuz it looked all digital like, with buttons and knobs all over the damn toilet seat. So I went to my parents and asked what the fuck was this machine that used to be our toilet seat.

(The following was translated from Korean)

Mom: "It's a machine that will help you clean your asshole when you have the runs. Just push the button and enjoy the cold splash of water down your ass."

Dad: "Yeah, it works really well....but don't use the toilet paper after, it breaks with the water."

Me: "Ugh......"

Haven't touched that toilet since.

[JackTenrac!]

A buddy's dad:

- People think that sugar attracts flies. Shit can do it, too!
- Better off in a pile of shit. Because it is still warm.

...that went well.

[TheSix]

How the shit do you buy that without your parents knowing?

Well, they ship the fleshlight in an unmarked box for one. And the casing it comes in makes it look like a actual flashlight. So until it transforms into the fleshlight itself, it's pretty unnoticeable.

Ahem.

This is possibly the greatest thread in existence.

I'm typically really slow in the morning:

(Me in the bathroom getting ready)

Grandfather - (BAM! on the door)"NIGGA WTF IS YOU DOING?!? It don't take long to brush yo teeth. PLAY WITH YO SELF AFTER SCHOOL! I gotta take a piss."

Thanks for waking the whole house up with that :confused:

[SIMPLY_HUGO]

"spend the night at your friends house..i wanna walk around naked and have my balls sway back and forth"

[Arcas V]

I can't think of anything from my parents but we always joke about my uncle...

we (brothers, cousins, and my uncle) were watching the mortal kombat movie, and my uncle has to comment on everything....

"So he takes the moisture.... out of the air.... freezes it.... then throws it at his oppenent. That's Amazing."

[KrsJin]

"if you get married before you are 30 i'm going to break your legs" - mom.

Rofl, nice and direct, I like that.

[Irennicus]

This will probably win the thread, and likely get me casted out as a horrible person. (Seriously)

We moved to Round Rock, TX (Austin, basically) right before I started attending HS. At this point, my dad still lived with us, and we never got along. He's a Goddamn Brit and I can't stand for that. Anyways, long story short he didn't work while he lived in Austin ever and just started drinking and putting off work. Since he was by himself all the time drinking he started becoming a paranoid useless person. I'd constantly come home and see the place messy and him passed out on the couch.

When we pleaed for him to get counselling he did nothing until one day he told us we were two days away from getting evicted from the house because he hadn't been handling the family's finances responsibly. We were $270,000 in debt because of him.

I didn't want him around anymore, my blind anger crashing into this situation shaped who I am today. I just started finding it hilarious. I then plotted to see if I could make a 'game' to make him go away.

In his paranoia you could say almost anything and because he had a hard time hearing he would think you were plotting against him. He started going nuts, putting different passwords on different things like the voicemail box on the phone and the computers had passwords to get out of screensavers, etc. I knew he was hiding something, but I didn't know what. So I would start throwing things in like "I know what you're hiding" under my breath just loud enough so that he could hear it and so that he would think I was trying to make him not.

Eventually, in March '05, we had announced that he was moving away to England.

Dad: So, what do you think?
Me: About what?
Dad: About me.
Me: Not much, I think you're a horrible rat bastard that abused our family.
Dad: About me leaving.
Me: Bye Dad! *Waving in sarcastic cheering motion as I'm walking off to go play D&D at my friend's place*
Dad: IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT YOU KNOW.

To this day, he still honestly believes that the whole reason our family is in a mess is because of me. Even though I had no contribution to the family's finances (other than the fact that I've filed our taxes a few times) at the time.

That's odd.

[OmNiExiZt]

After getting caught having sex.

Dad: So, you fucking these little girls out here huh?
Me:.......yeah
Dad: Well, you better protect yourself. A lot of these girls round here are hot in the ass. And they'll burn your shit straight off.
Me:.... ok

My brother was ignoring my mom while she was yelling at him as he washed dishes.

Mom: Boy, you better answer me when I'm talking to you!!!
Borther:.....

My mom starts smacking him in the back of the head, but isn't getting any results. So she storms into the utility room and grabs the broom and starts whacking him with it.

Brother: What the hell is wrong with you. (grabs broom and they tussel)
Mom: Let it go. Your going to listen to me when I'm talking to you.
Brother: No, your just going to hit me again!!!

Some more struggling. The broom snaps in the middle, my mom half arches up and cuts his neck and he starts bleeding. Now at the time, it looked serious.

Brother holding his neck while he's bleeding: I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY!! HELP ME!!
Mom: No, you go in there and call 911 yourself! If you would have listend to me, this wouldn't have happend! Oh yeah and if you tell them I did that to you, when I get out of jail, I'LL KILL YOU MYSELF!!!

Brother goes and calls for help and since this was in the 80's, for some reason, nobody was the wiser. From that day forth, we didn't test her anymore.

*ONEZ*

[Jimmy the Hand]

This will probably win the thread, and likely get me casted out as a horrible person. (Seriously)


I don't see how. The entire post seemed to segue from one statement to another without resolving the previous, nor tying them all together....

All we know is that your dad is an paranoid alcoholic, you muttered things around him, he was hiding something (we never found out what), you were possibly evicted (no clarification), then your family announced that your dad was leaving....

[TheSix]

This will probably win the thread, and likely get me casted out as a horrible person. (Seriously)



Ya know, it's probably better to let someone else announce "win" because....that failed.

[Qro]

"Bend over"

[Ne0phyte]

"So he takes the moisture.... out of the air.... freezes it.... then throws it at his oppenent. That's Amazing."

lmao

[Yumi Saotome]

"Computer Science is for girls who can't do math"

[Jim Miles]

Dad: I saw a fox over the garden fence today.

Me: You were standing by the fence and saw it in next door's garden?

Dad: No, it had its head over the fence looking at me from the other side.

Me: Are you sure? That fence is over 6ft tall. Did the fox jump up and grab onto it to peer over?

Dad: No, I think it was a standing on the other side.

Me: A 6ft tall fox?

Dad: Yeah, sure, these foxes grow huge.

Me: Standing like a person on its legs, looking over the fence?

Dad: Yes.

Me: Are you sure it was a fox, not a person? I don't think foxes grow 6ft tall and walk around on two legs looking over fences.

Dad: Oh here we go, you think you know more than me about foxes. Of course it was a fox.

[OmNiExiZt]

He wasn't talking about a woman? lol

*ONEZ*

[MrBuster]

He wasn't talking about a woman? lol

*ONEZ*

Yea thats the only explanation I can think of for that one.

[Irennicus]

I don't see how. The entire post seemed to segue from one statement to another without resolving the previous, nor tying them all together....

All we know is that your dad is an paranoid alcoholic, you muttered things around him, he was hiding something (we never found out what), you were possibly evicted (no clarification), then your family announced that your dad was leaving....

Sorry, I was totally blazed when I typed that first post.

I was plotting to get him to leave. I wanted to mutter horrible things about him until he went fucking batshit nuts. I think that I succeeded a bit in him leaving, honestly. I had so much blind rage towards him for fucking everything up that it was all I responded with.

Eviction is a different story...basically it works down to this. We had to file for bankruptcy and kept the same house for another two months, then we moved to another one in Round Rock.

My family didn't announce he was leaving. He announced he was leaving. He simply packed ship and left.

[Ho0v-Man]

my mom: I bet you really make your girlfriend happy.

me: well, yeah mom. We really love each other a lot.

mom: no, I mean, judging from the way she looks at you, you must really make her crotch happy.

me: uhhhh....

mom: you don't take after your father much--which is actually a good thing--but that man knew how please a woman.

me: UHHHHH......

mom: I saw that time when I walked in as you were getting dressed, you definitely got the size goin' for you. But he also lasted FOREVER! The sex is probably the reason we stayed together as long as we did, come to think of it. One time I had 15 orgas...

me: JUST STOP!

I just left awkwardly after that.

Also, one time my grandma told me the best sex she ever had was sitting on top of a washing machine.

[BBQ]

The other day my dad, mom, and myself were discussing about my sister's friends as they all drove expensive SUVs/cars that the average highschool kid around here wouldn't drive.

Mom: *Looks at me*"You aren't doing drugs are you?"

Me: *scratches head* "What?"

Dad: "Wow that was random"

Mom: "You know what I'm talking about"

Me: "I have no idea what you're talking about"

Dad: "Maybe she is talking about your street cred!!" *does things with his hands to act like he's rapping*

[N-Ken]

Dad: I saw a fox over the garden fence today.

Me: You were standing by the fence and saw it in next door's garden?

Dad: No, it had its head over the fence looking at me from the other side.

Me: Are you sure? That fence is over 6ft tall. Did the fox jump up and grab onto it to peer over?

Dad: No, I think it was a standing on the other side.

Me: A 6ft tall fox?

Dad: Yeah, sure, these foxes grow huge.

Me: Standing like a person on its legs, looking over the fence?

Dad: Yes.

Me: Are you sure it was a fox, not a person? I don't think foxes grow 6ft tall and walk around on two legs looking over fences.

Dad: Oh here we go, you think you know more than me about foxes. Of course it was a fox.

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

This is one of the best posts in this thread, and this is pretty much the greatest thread in SRK history. Ya'll have some fucked up parents :rofl:

[capcomANDsnk]

holy shit this thread is full of gold. Az's dad is the man.

mom: white babies are so cute (hinting that i should bring home a white girl)

mom: mexicans and blacks are so rude. filipinos are stingy. whites are so polite

i lived in Oakland for 6 months for an internship. my parents were dropping me off. it was the first time seeing the neighborhood i'll be living in. after seeing one black person after another
dad: can you get your money back?

my oldest bro likes to assume the "dad" role since my dad's a traditional chinese dude that don't talk to his kids unless it's about food or logistics

bro: hey you should try dating two girls at the same time. it's awesome.

bro: how big was her boobs? (referring to my ex)

i was in a long-term relationship from high school to 3rd yr of college. his advice
bro: life's about experiences, man. you gotta play the field a little before settling down
me: ....u telling me to breakup w/ her?
bro: nah, i'm just saying don't take it seriously. (my mom and my sister-in-law said similar things)

[zakky]

Dad: You know what the shocker is right?
Me:... (not even given time to answer).
Dad: It's TWO in the pink and ONE in the stink. (Emphasis as such at shouting level).

I think we were in a Subway restaraunt.

[DragonSama]

My mom is a basket case.

Mom: ::Sigh::
Me: What’s wrong mom?
Mom: I’ve just been so depressed lately
Me: What about
Mom: your father
Me: what about dad?
Mom: well we just haven’t been having sex much at all anymore
Me: Oh god stop
Mom: When he comes home all he wants to do is sleep and watch TV
Me: no more please
Mom: Plus he’s so small too it was always annoying but it was all I had now I have nothing.
Me: Looking at through the silverware ready to stick a fork in my ears.

If you think that was bad how about the conversation my Girlfriend at the time had with her

Mom: So how are things with you and DS?
G/F: Good really good.
Mom: I’m glad to hear that things with me and his dad are not.
G/F: I’m sorry to hear that
Mom: we are both women right?
G/F: yes we are
Mom: Well things are not so good with me and his father in the bedroom department. It’s so unsatisfying. And he’s so small. You guys don’t have the problem do you
G/F: :wtf: umm… things are fine in all departments there.

Then she told me about it

Me: “Oh god. Sorry about that my mom is a little nuts”.
G/F: “Well I’ll say this much you definitely don’t have any of your dad’s problems. I told her we are having great sex and that you are huge”
Me: you did not tell her that.
G/F: yes I did what’s the big deal
Me: oh nothing if you’ll excuse me I’ll go hang myself now.

I couldn’t look my mom in the face for at least a month.

Dad: What is wrong with you?
Me: I’m not sure what you mean
Dad: well you didn’t date until you were 19 you're 23 now and all you have dated is a black girl and a bunch of Vietnamese girls
Me: I’ve never dated a Vietnamese girl. I’ve dated some Chinese girls, a Korean one and a few Philippino girls. But I haven’t dated a Vietnamese one
Dad: Vietnamese, Chinese they are all the same. You know I was fighting those people in the war
Me: Oh god here we go.
Dad: Can you read their writing?
Me: a little of it I plan to learn more
Dad: I’ll show you how to read it. (draws a little house) that’s everything you need to know right there. Why can’t you find a nice White girl like everybody else. Do you like that sideways pussy or something?
Me: oh god… umm I think I’ll be going now.

He can also be a bit out of control but this time the guy had it coming. This occurred after driving him to Auto zone for the second time to exchange a starter

Dad: I bought this starter for my truck 1 hour ago and it is the wrong one. I need to exchange it.
Manager: Let me look this up. Oh we are out of the one you need. We can have it here in 3 days.
Dad: I need it today because I have to go to work tomorrow. Just give me a refund and I’ll go to another store and get it.
AZM: (in a low tone) “Shit another return” . I’m sorry sir there was nothing wrong with the part so you’ll have to wait for us to get another one.
Dad: there was something wrong with it. It’s the wrong one I want my money back!
AZM: you opened the box so I can’t refund it. You can wait for the exchange.
Dad: “Listen here you Bald Headed Chicken Fucker!!! I need the part today and I’m going to another store to get it so get your hands out of your pants and give me my god damn money!!!
AZM: Fuck you!!!!

The guy stormed off and made the Assistant manger ring the return. Everyone was Rolling on the floor form the “Bald headed Chicken Fucker” comment.

“the talk”

Dad: So you like girls?
Me: Yes dad I do.
Dad: good. Look when a man and a women love each other very much.. oh screw it. Look when a man and a woman are horny sometimes they get together and hump like bunnies.
Me: What?
Dad: here look at these and if you have any questions let me or your mother know.

He then dumps a fat stack of porno mags 2 porno tapes and a book about sex from the library. Oh and I was 7 at the time too.

On my G/F getting pregnant

Dad: that’s what you get dating those slanty eyed bitches. They love to trap a hard working guy into paying for them.
Me: I could argue this but I’m not. All I’ll say is I want to man up and take care of my child and the woman having it. But she is getting an abortion. I’m pretty upset about it too because I wanted to be responsible and take care of it.
Dad: good that was a close one. Eh son?
Me: umm whatever.

[TheSix]

i lived in Oakland for 6 months for an internship. my parents were dropping me off. it was the first time seeing the neighborhood i'll be living in. after seeing one black person after another
dad: can you get your money back?



:rofl::rofl:

Welcome to Oakland son! If you not in North Oakland or the hills, niggas and mexicans run rampant. :rofl:

[PcLanAdmin2]

My sister (jokingly): Mom, Jackey's masturbating in the bath tub!
My mom: Everyone masturbates in the bathtub.


OMG, that's too funny!!! :rofl::lol::rofl::lol:


THIS IS MY NEW FAVORITE THREAD, LOL.

[Dasrik]

crazy ass shit
Holy shit... I have a whole new respect for you.

[Deonysios]

My mom when she got a speeding ticket.

Mom: Guess what Deon?
Me: hmm?
Mom: This bitch gave me a speeding ticket.
Me: Ticket?
Mom: Uh huh, I hope somebody rapes her ass and sticks they dick down her throat!
Me: ...uhhhh...

My Insane Uncle Gerome calling late one night

Uncle: Eh, eh Deon
Me: (half sleep) ...what
Uncle: Where yo momma at?
Me: Sleep.
Uncle: Well tell her to wake her ass up.
Me: no uncle Gerome.
Uncle: Wake her up or I'm gonna blow yo' mutha fuckin' house up!
Me: Goodnight Uncle Gerome.

My Dad ordering Pizza over the phone

Dad: Yea, um... Pepperoni and Sausage. Ok-ok, uh is Cheese automatic?
Me: ..........

[1/2Man1/2God]

MOM:You know why you keep fuckin up in school?
ME:*shrugs*
MOM:becuase youre a pussy! your scared to be a man!
ME: but mom i graduate tommarow,the teacher called becuase I have a book fine!
MOM:that's wrong with all the men in this family,there all a bunch of pussies!
ME:*walks off*
MOM:I should whoop your ass!
ME:whatever mom!
MOM:da fuck did you say?
ME:i love you!

[Makoto Scrub]

Post full of win
Will rep when I can :tup:

[kev_the_bev]

dad told me a story about his experience smoking weed back in his college days. If he's for real, maybe it could've been something a little stronger than that...anyway, he said he was high, and suddenly noticed God was sitting on the edge of the bed at his apartment....and God was a giant, talking roach, who was also smoking...God apparently took a hit and said "yeah...this is what it's all about." Dad called up my mom, panicked because he didn't know what to make of this situation.

LMFAO :lol:

The bolded part is gold

[Ho0v-Man]

I wish this thread was still going...

[Kalypso]

Backstory: My parents put me in a mental ward for suicidal teens for 8 days, because I supposedly stole something of my sisters and lied about it. They found it a few days in and left me in there. Upon getting out:

Dad: Did you learn your lesson?

Doesn't mean nearly as much to you guys as me, but yes, I did learn my lesson, you guys are fucking insane sometimes. A great deal of stories from that place, including a chick with sliced up wrists trying to get me to fuck her in the bathroom, and this huge black chick that was put in there for fighting saying some of the funniest shit ever, talking about how she had 'people on the outside.'

[Oni Warrior]

The first time my Father said, 'hey, you want to finish this joint with me?'

Never in my life had I been filled with so much confusion, happiness, relief and even a bit of sadness all at the same time.

[MrBuster]

^^^^

So some strange reason, that had me phawking rollin'.

[The Green Trench Coat]

when i came out.. My dad thought he could cure the gay:

"The first thing you need to do is get rid of any white pants you have.. everybody knows gays wear white pants."
"What about nurses?"
*pause*
"EVEN NURSES! And no more cream cheese... on anything!"

[JackTenrac!]

*pause*
"EVEN NURSES! And no more cream cheese... on anything!"
:rofl: YES.

[The Green Trench Coat]

:rofl: YES.

looking back it was funny.. but he was really livid when he was saying it. My comment didn't help things any either.

[Dasiatic]

me and my step father........we had a long, looong, hour and a half conversation on flatulents being expelled from the rectum.

figure that one out.





shit was gay.

[Black Chanler]

Me: "I think this 25 year old at work likes me, she dosent know that im 18"

Mom: "Does she have kids"

Me: "Year a 3 year old, I cant date that"

Mom: " ....you got some high ass standards"

[Ho0v-Man]

A great deal of stories from that place, including a chick with sliced up wrists trying to get me to fuck her in the bathroom


shoulda just hit it. if you got in trouble just say that she was gonna kill herself if you didn't. "What guys? My penis saves lives."