One-eyed lizard in my pants...help? =(

[Ghostal]

I was just small at first, and seemed harmless enough so I tried to carefully pick it up and release it, but it didn't want to go so I jerked it around and it got profusely angry and grew and it's hide got really firm and hard. My family was too scared to approach it to help, they just gasped and ran off when I tried to show them.

Put it in your mouth.

I figured this might help as it was suggested in the bee thread, but it just made it's hide harder and the contortion possibly impaled my kidney with my ribcage.
Also, it's started secreting some sort of viscous liquid. I might have swallowed some, I really need to know if this is venomous or not.

I need advice on what the hell to do with this thing.

[Team Cable]

What the shit?

[majeh]

mother fuckin pimple on your dick

[Spirit Juice]

.......

[MrBlank]

Try Hard. Stoooooooopsss!!!

[Rhio2k]

Kindness can tame it. Get some hand lotion or something slippery (it really prefers Astroglide), and wrap your hand around it, gently stroking it up and down. After a while it will stretch a little, yawn...then sneeze a couple times and drift off to sleep.

[fishjie]

negged

[King9999]

Cut off the head.

And someone close this thread.

[DaDesiCanadian]

Try Hard. Stoooooooopsss!!!

Hammers time!

[Rooks4]

negged

^this

[Raziel321]

swing and a miss, as i was displeased with the bee thread >< :zzz:

[MaxVandalism315]

negged

ditto

[Saotome Kaneda]

failtroll

[orochizoolander]

Do I even have to say who I think this thread was made for?