When they first put the job postings for articles writers on SRK my eyes perked, my dick got a chubby and my mind both imploded and exploded. After the initial wave of giddiness and all the other things that come with imagining such a fantasyland, I read the qualifications for the job and realized that I did not necessarily qualify for such a position. Unfortunately it seems that the qualifications were severely overstated. Some of you may re-read that last sentence and ask “How were they overstated?” To put it nicely it seems that they put all the names in a hat, had someone masturbate over them, and wherever the massive genocide of potential abortions landed, a new life as an front page writer was born. Some may take offense at using abortions to make a point that the front page is bad. But it is worse than bad; it is on the level of dead baby jokes, most rape scenes in movies and Fox News reporting. I should edit that last sentence; dead baby jokes are at least funny.
I showed the front page to a Catholic priest. He immediately hit me upside the head with a crucifix, and then proceeded to baptize my monitor. He gave me a very stern look and told me: “I know you don’t believe in any sort of god, but those motherfuckers apparently don’t believe in any editing.” I don’t like agreeing with religious folk as it gives them a sense of righteous pride. But this man had seen through a big problem with the damn page: everybody wants do whatever the fuck they want. There appears to be no discernable direction to the front page. We have an article on the objectification of women, an editorial on players, another one on the viability of portable consoles for fighting games, another one on complaining, an article on balance, and lastly on stream monsters. Considering that these people are writing for a website which houses a forum for competitive players, the only question a sane person can ask themselves after reading all of these is: Are you fucking kidding me? These people were given bandwidth to do something productive, and all we get are articles best left for Kotaku. Had these people understood what was being asked of them from the beginning, they would’ve skipped all these idiotic topics and dealt with something that had to do with competition. But unfortunately we can’t have nice things in life since we keep getting assaulted by more moronic things like an article on controllers and one on memorizing combos.
But alas, this would be a rather huge waste of letters if editorial direction was the only thing wrong with the front page. This barrage of words is opinionated. Some things do not necessarily need to opinionated. Keits was both a blessing and a curse to the front page. He posted content but then he had a fucking smarmy opinion on anything and everything he posted about. Not everything needs a damn paragraph from any of you raving cocksuckers; much less do we need to know what your opinion is on Spider-man’s viability as a character when I’m watching a combo video. The combo video shows impractical things? That’s what they do. Any and all opinions concerning either matches or combo videos, you front page writers need to be nice enough to keep between your taints and your assholes. There are a lot of pieces of media of general interest to the community; a good 99% of them are not vehicles for any of your opinions.
Hilarity continues to ensue when it concerns the front page. This is mostly because the front page is treated less like the face of a community, and more like the news ticker of a cable news network. Except those people have their shit together and will loop about 15 to 20 top stories; so that if a viewer does not see the headline, they can wait two to three minutes and read it on the second loop. Our front page is the wet dream of a child with ADD. There is no wrong time for him to click the front page because odds are that he or she will have something new to read. I referenced a lot of different articles earlier, but I’d rather sift through porn and look for real redheads than try and click pages back to see when they were posted.
This is the result of the problems described in the last two paragraphs: people do whatever the fuck they want and nobody is willing to stop them. If you are going to bother writing something, make sure that it is on the front page for the entire day. Is it too much to ask of you that you not go so far out of your way to cockblock your own masturbation? We have those fancy picture links, but honesty those are useless because they are not update all that quickly, because, once again: everybody is posting shit at random. Inkblot writes a nice fuck you to the eSports people and it doesn’t get any nice pictures, but, oh sure - controooollers!
I had significantly more colorful pejoratives to throw at all of the shit throwing monkeys that call the front page home, but the feces bukkake they’ve turned it into speaks for itself.
So here are a few tips for all of you:
Pick somebody to edit. Not everybody needs to post shit.
Stop posting every fucking video like it’s the latest and greatest. Be nice enough to consolidate the videos into one post or dare I say “article” and leave it at that for the day.
Stop putting fucking pictures in between paragraphs; particularly huge ones. It makes all of you look insanely stupid and makes the community seem like a bunch of idiots in need of fancy picture books.
Learn to use semicolons. Half the time when you use commas you should be using semicolons.
Fuck other people, you write for us. Other people have IGN, Destructoid, the back of shampoo bottles, and other shit to read.
Stop doing one or two sentence paragraphs. It is sloppy and generally makes you all look stupid.
The most important point is the second paragraph. Yeah I switched shit around so that the most important point goes first. That’s because I don’t trust any of you raving turds to make it past the first paragraph. See, that’s the difference between you and me: I make decisions based on MY audience.
Fun Fact #1, I want the front page to succeed. Many people have worked really hard for there to be a front page that can be nice. Stop taking a shit on their years of efforts and make it worthwhile.
Fun Fact #2, I’m not necessarily shitting on Red Rick Dias doing what was necessary and trying his best to help new people and their incessant quest for the proper pad or stick to play. But god damn it if it came at the wrong time amongst piles of shit. Get together as a group of writers and do something worthwhile for beginners and then move on quickly into your competitive players.
Fun Fact #3: This article was edited twice. I wrote a rough draft. Afterwards I sent it to a friend and he did a first edit. Afterwards I looked at it a second time and did a second edit. This has been edited more times than most articles in the front page. I don’t expect perfect out of any of you but I do hope you put some semblance of effort.