Can anyone Proof-Read and give me feedback on my College Essay?


#1

Hey guys I am applying to College right now and I have written my college essay about the FGC and how I am a new comer in the scene. I hope you guys enjoy it and please give me feedback. Positive, negative, I don’t care lol. Just dont be too negative lol.

College Essay

If you truly love doing something, one day somebody is going to pay you for it.
This quote has never been as true in my life as it is right now. I love to play video games and to make and edit videos. I’ve always loved to do both of these things, but one day I had an idea. I have always played video games for fun, but only until two years ago did I think I should start playing in tournaments. It was probably one of the best decisions I’ve ever made in my life. The game instantly transformed from something I do in my spare time when I’m bored, to something that can only be described as a sport. At fifteen years old I started traveling New England and going to tournaments to try and meet new people and make some money. I was a newcomer in “the scene” and people were starting to take notice. As I went to more tournaments I became known as a “prodigy” at fighting games. During my fourth tournament, I took third place and it felt amazing. I finally was in the top three which meant I would get a share of the winnings! It was one of the best feelings I’ve ever had in my life. I turned something that I loved to do into a source of income. This gave me another idea, but this one was even bigger.
I decided to start making Youtube videos of me playing fighting games and giving tips about some effective tactics. When I uploaded my first video I didn’t think anybody would watch it, and within a day of posting it, it was published on one of the biggest fighting game websites on the internet. That night when I signed onto my Gmail account I had 189 new messages consisting only of subscriptions, comments, and friend requests. The video had attained 10,000 views in only a week. I was in shock, but instantly I knew what I needed to do. I started doing some research on “Youtube Partnerships”. This was about becoming a business partner with Youtube and placing ads next to or on my videos which would make me money. Each video I made became more detailed than the last and in turn became more popular. I made about four more videos before I received an email from Youtube saying “We would like to invite you to become a Youtube Partner.”
I finally did what I thought I could never accomplish. I turned everything I love to do into a source of income for myself. Since I received that email two months ago, I’ve made 36 videos and have over 400 subscribers. The money I receive from Youtube pays for me to attend tournaments and buy newer video games, at tournaments I win money and publicity for me and my Youtube channel. I predict by the time I’m in college, I won’t need a part-time job to pay for expenses because Youtube will do it for me. My dream is to become sponsored by a company to play video games professionally and to travel the world playing. There are many people living this dream right now, and from what I am doing on Youtube and at tournaments, I feel that I am on my way to achieving this. I guess that old saying is true; if you truly love doing something, one day someone is going to pay you for it.


#2

I weep for the future


#3

tl;dr


#4

I stopped right there…just wanted to post that.


#5

I’d give this an A.

If it was like the 8th grade or something.


#6

That’s the shortest college essay I’ve ever seen.

Aren’t you the guy who made that Captain America combo video then cried like a bitch when it didn’t get on the front page?


#7

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/642/01/
A website that talks about writing a personal statement, there’s even a top 10 rules and pitfalls. Might help you out with some things. While some of it talks about applying to med/law/grad school, some of those things can still apply to personal statements in general I’m sure.

I haven’t written or seen a personal statement to enter college in a long time, so I don’t know how long they should be. Your statement is definitely unique, so it should interest whoever ends up reading it. While you talk about the lesson you learned on the importance of doing something you love, you simply talk about it in relation to video games. You talk about your goal to become sponsored by a company and travel the globe so you can be a real life Ash Ketchum and be the very best like no one ever was. The colleges you’re applying to, do they have a major for competitive video game playing?
You talk about an important lesson, and you show how motivated you can be for something you love, but the person from the college reading it might be like, “So he wants to come to college so he can be sponsored by a company and play video games?”. I think the lesson is important and the story is interesting, but is there a way you can apply this idea of “being rewarded for doing something you love” to school or to your future schooling experience in particular?
Also, when I was in high school we had an English teacher who was willing to help us with our personal statements and I think there was another staff member who was willing to help too (I forgot her official title. It’s something so common, but I can’t freaking remember. She helped us with the application process in general). Just ask a staff member who would have a good idea as to who in the building can help you. If I were you, I would certainly try to seek the opinion of a staff member in your school.


#8

Here’s your problem:

You listed NO Incentives for them to accept you. You bragged about laying games for 3 paragraphs.

That won’t get you into college.

The part about partnering up with YouTube? Great. That’s something that is worth talking about as an example of your acheivements or a footnote. Almost everything else can be cut however.

What college(s) are you applying to? What major(s)? What was the prompt for the essay if any? These are things you need to think about.


#9

I’ve = I have
Didn’t = Did not
Fragments
Etc.

What level of college is this essay for?


#10

Its a little over 500 words and the rules say it can only be 250 - 500 words.


#11

I thought about taking out the contractions, but then I felt like to took away the flow to my essay. I want the person who is reading this to really get a feel for who I am and how I speak. I’ve talked to my guidance counselor and my AP english teacher and they both said my essay was well written and fine the way it is. This is an undergraduate essay.

When an admissions officer goes through the essays they want something that will stand out and not bore them. Thats why I made my entire essay about playing games and youtube, because many people have no clue that professional gaming or tournaments even exist. When an admissions officer reads my essay they will walk away learning something they had no clue about before hand, and thus remembering my essay out of a pack of 100 or something. Also I am applying to Brown University, Northeastern, MIT, University of Rhode Island, Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute, Rochester Institute of Technology, Bryant Unversity, and UMass Amherst.


#12

THIS. Your essay contains many poor style choices, it comes off as VERY informal. Just a few things to clear up:

  1. What kind of an essay is this? Is it supposed to be a personal statement?
  2. What major are you applying for?

On a general note, if it is supposed to be a personal statement then it needs work. You need to mention *why *you belong in the school you are applying for, how you deal with competing objectives and responsibilities, and what exactly makes you unique. You need to convince the school that **you **belong there.


#13

This is not a personal statement, this is my Common Application Essay. This essay will be sent to all my colleges along with my personal statements that I have done in each individual supplement to the CommonApp. This is not directed towards one specific college and its supposed to encompass a general view of me and what I believe I have accomplished. I made it very informal to try and get my personality across to the reader, so thats why I didn’t omit the contractions.


#14

It is about selling yourself bro, and you do not want to write the way you talk in your essays. When applying for a job, are you going to tell your employers about something you love to do or why you are a good candidate for that position?


#15

i noticed a grammar error in your essay. When you said "If you truly love doing something, one day somebody is going to pay you for it.” what you should have said is "Why the fuck did I think that SRK would rush to help me do homework, especially considering it’s ONE FUCKING PAGE and I’m supposed to be in College.

I’m going out on a limb and guessing you’re asian or from somewhere that english is a second language


#16

Believe me, I understand what you mean. Standing out IS something you want to do. however, you much stand out IN A GOOD WAY. All your current essay tells me about you is “this is a guy that likes playing video games, and wants to continue playing video games”. is that the kind of essay I would see alot of? no, probably not. but is it the kind I would WANT? also no.

you need to either tie your current success with youtube and passion for games into valid reasons for acceptance (I’ve started and successfully run clubs, I’ve run tournaments for charity, It reflects my determination) and list other, non-game related aspects about you, or you need to scrap the idea entirely and start over.

applying for college is hard, and alot of stress is put on you kids. I know, I remember that process all too well. They ask you to be both modest AND brag about yourself at the same time, have a nice list of references, experience, etc. and I know how much everyone fears being “forgotten” because their applications weren’t interesting enough. I know.but at the end of the day, you need to have experiences and credentials that will show them how good you are.

to put it back in Fighting game terms, you gotta show them you’ve got some good footsies and know your fundamentals before you go showing off your crazy training room combos.

does that make sense?


#17

I understand its about selling myself, but most colleges have supplemental essays for that. Essays you do after your College essay for a specific field like Engineering (what i’m applying for). This essay is supposed to be general and I do believe I am selling myself without truly saying it. Before I even get into college I have turned something I love into a profit (Shows signs of Business ability) and made my videos popular on youtube ( Marketing ability). So I believe I am actually saying what I am good at without really saying it. If they really want to know why I want to go to their school they will read the supplemental essay I wrote for their specific college. Btw thank you for all the feedback, I am very grateful that I can get another point of view on my essay.


#18

That actually does make a lot of sense, and I will probably revise the essay to address the points you just listed. However I do believe there is a lot in this essay to show my determination and skills that would help me in college. For example, if you take my essay at face value and just read what I am saying then it doesn’t really seem like I’m saying anything useful. Just talking about things I’ve done in my spare time. But, if you take the things ive done and try to apply them to skills that are learned in college (business, marketing etc.) then it starts to make more sense.

To get all the views on my vids I didn’t just put them up and hope for the best, I worked my butt posting links on places and getting people to watch them. After that thats when they eventually blew up. That is what many companies pay Marketing firms thousands of dollars to do lol, I did in my basement with a laptop.

Using the money from youtube earnings to attend more tournaments and in turn make more money and fame for my youtube channel has a lot to do with running a sustainable business. its a cycle that is self sufficient and yields a lot of profit. Thats why I made sure I mentioned it.

So I understand what you are saying and probably will make changes to my essay because of it, but at least now you know why I made my topic about this specific aspect of my life.


#19

But see, how will playing video games and getting sponsorships help you into your path of becoming a engineer? What will video games teach you about the aspects of engineering? If that is your major then you should talk about that passion on whatever it is you want to do in life, and how schools will help you into the field. Saying that you like to play video games is fine, but is it really necessary? You come across to me as somebody who will have no real skills in the future when reading this essay (no offense). You will be gamer with no specific majors or accreditation, and you will be living off a non-guranteed income which will reflect problematic situations when you become older.

Like I said, you may believe that you are selling yourself but it really is hard to tell. Your thesis on gaming profit and marketing is rather confusing, and somewhat flawed to your actual desires.


#20

I think I’m more interested in why Ken123103 quoted HIMSELF in his signature. How the hell does that work? “I said something I find truly deep today, quote that shit son!”

Also if he isn’t getting what you guys are saying, then stop trying to help. He doesn’t want to put the effort in now to make himself look good and give 100% why should any of you bother to extend a friendly hand.