Condom Dispensers Are Racist!

Let me tell you a story.
A story of a man who had a less than average sized dick, but a goal in sight:
The goal was pussy.

So when he was about 14 years old he got some condoms and he thought to himself: “Let’s practice how to put 'em on when I’m choking the chicken, just in case I finally get to pound a girl!”.
From this point on he already knew that condoms fucking suck, because there was lots of air in those things and it wasn’t feeling quite right because of that.
When he learned about the wonders marijuana and video games, he put his goal aside for a while in order to become the best he knew at speed running Resident Evil 2, Metal Gear Solid and a couple of other video games, while getting stoned like a heathen in the dark ages.

Fast forward to the young man being 23, walking drunken through a goth club, laying eyes on what he thought was the most beautiful woman ever.
He went home with this maiden in black, put on a condom, did her real good for about 2 minutes when he pulled out and saw that the condom was broken, which he cunningly fastened with a knot under the breakpoint and disposed of it in the garbage can, before she could ever lay eyes on it. He acted like nothing happened, went to sleep and realized in the morning that the maiden in black was a fat nurse, that looked like shit and had her fucking room plastered with posters of crappy bands like H.I.M. The 69 Eyes and other garbage.
The boy fled from the scene of crime and never saw her again, but he had a taste in his mouth, the taste of pussy.

From that point on the young man would never be without a girl for longer than 3 weeks. Boning bitches left, right and center.
Shredding condoms at the same damn rate.
You probably guessed it already but that boy was my older brother, but for the sake of making writing more simple, I’ll refer to him as myself.

Now honestly, in my life I probably shredded about 10 normal sized condoms, because those fucking things do not fit properly and I’ve stood before about 5 condom dispensers in my life at midnight and visited countless drug stores.
In those fucking 5 condom dispensers I found condoms in all fucking colors the goddamn rainbow has to offer, all kinds of fucking tastes from chocolate to strawberry to fucking peppermint you name it, then there were the XL and XXL condoms for male horses, some of 'em had little knobs on them to make the lady feel better, some of them fucking glow in the dark and I bet there even were some that would take your fucking dog out for a walk,
but none of them NONE would be a fucking small sized condom.
Even the fucking drugstores where I live had the same goddamn assortment of condoms.

I thought I was fucked. Sooner or later I’d catch and STD or even worse: a child.
I seriously thought those standard condoms were the smallest size they had in my whole fucking country.
So after a while I said to myself “Fuck it (quite literally) ima go in raw from now on and pull out early!” the whole fucking stress of getting condoms that would not fit, got me to the point of having problems with getting my joyboy hard, and that really fucks with your mind as a sexually active 25 boy.
From then on I had a lot of fun before and during sex just a bit of remorse afterwards. My dick was getting hard as steel again, I was doing it multiple times per night, I’d trade that back then for a bit of remorse and fear of catching an STD.
Much better than having a limp dick in front of a hot woman because you start to despise the act of putting a condom on and it later on breaking so much.

Took me a couple of girls until one of them insisted on condoms even before she had my dick in her mouth. Girl went to her drawer, asked me if I’m normal, smaller or bigger and I went like “smaller” and she came with a bunch of condoms that actually fucking fit. And having sex with her and that condom on was actually fun.
Sure not as fun as putting it in raw, but I’m not a total retard and see the necessity if you want to live a life free of child support and ugly diseases.
I immediately asked where she had them from and she told me she gets her condoms from a sex store.
What a fucking relief. From then on I could finally fuck carefree with condoms and they stopped annoying me.

Now my question:
Why in the fuck do I have to go to a specialized store, which I thought to this point was there to spice up the sex lives of middle-aged couples and for old fucks to get pornos at, to get some proper condoms that also cost a fucking fortune compared to normal ones?
Why aren’t small sized condoms in the standard assortment of condom dispensers and drug stores?
What in the actual fuck?
I bet there’s a ton of Japanese/Chinese/Indian whatever people living here in Germany, who by default have a small dick. I also bet every other white person and even every odd black guy got a small dick here and there.

Jesus Christ just because my feet are 2 sizes smaller than the average white male, I don’t have to go to a specialized shoe store that also got shoes for people who want to walk across the moon or some shit.
They just have them in their assortment they just sell them a bit less.
Why isn’t that the case for the normal places where people get condoms?

That’s it I go to sleep now.


(God damn you are some lazy motherfuckers.)

TL;DR - Jörg from the German version of Seinfield here is both lamenting and wondering why condoms for people with smaller than average dicks are basically impossible to find unless visiting a specialty sex store. This especially since apparently all condom dispensers only either dispense normal-sized ones or bigger without taking in account that apparently condoms get destroyed by Toguros™ like his because they were/are ill-fitting with too much space.

Ironically, he’s also being at least slightly racist himself by assuming that collectively the Japanese, Chinese and Indians who live in German by “default have a small dick” when the condom thing itself has more than likely has nothing to do with race, but the above paragraph is the basic gist of his post.

Nigga just buy some Magnums and shut the fuck up.

(Manx, that would only make his problem worse.)

Smaller than average, not larger than average. Or does Magnum make smaller than average condoms? I kind of doubt it given the original poster’s (possibly drunken) rant, but then again, I honestly wouldn’t be aware of them if they did exist for various reasons.

HIM and The 69 Eyes used to be good :frowning:

Oh. I thought he had my problem… my bad…


please see me after class

Nigga zoundz drunk

Buy a penis pump. You won’t need specialty condoms so it’ll pay for itself in the log run.

scrub-ass story…

you must be doing something wrong. only time rubber broke on me was when I bought the UNLUBED ones. didn’t know the difference. otherwise I am kiNg. I can fuck for 30-40 min straight without the hat breaking or the girl complaining.

What I want to know, is how he broke a condom with a small dick?


This thread + OP’s avatar is a perfect 2in1 combo.

Smaller surface area compared to a bigger dicc? In other words a needle dicc :neutral:

Honestly, I got a big dick and it’s annoying that I can’t get Magnum XL’s from a dispenser. And even then they barely fit. And I gotta’ fucking buy them at the store and be like “Yo, my eyes are up here ladies.” even those fuckin’ 80 year old wal mart grandmas. And they still don’t fit well. It’s like a tourniquet. But noooooooo, European condoms that actually fit are banned in America. Fuck you FDA.

Nigga just eat the booty like groceries and you will never have go use your dick

who goes to a goth club and expects to find a girl who doesnt like shit music?

“Brother”, huh? That’s quite the descriptive narrative for a second hand account…