Describe your favorite video game and make it sound as lame as possible


#1

So in this game you play as this snobbish, holier-than-thou, royal-blooded rich kid named Ramza who decides to leave his privileged life of luxury to betray his family and his church to unveil some sinister plot. That plot is overly convoluted, incomprehensibly complex and riddled with spelling and grammatical errors. Gameplay consists of moving units around in a grid and attacking enemy units using among the thousands of different abilities available in the game, of which you will probably only use about ten. Combat itself is also overly complex, with damage being calculated not only based on your character’s stats in comparison with your enemy’s stats, but also by how brave they are, how much faith they have, and even the month in which they were born. Yes, birthdays. In a video game.


#2

In this game you start out as a mute ginger with spiky hair, who despite what the art design might lead you to believe does not go Super Saiyan. Instead he gets a shitty katana and hooks up with a blonde slut at a fair. Just when you think this going to turn into some freaky hentai shit with the nerdy chick and the karaoke singing robot you get sucked through a rip in the fabric of time. This is where the game gets really desperate and tries to spice up the parade of cliches with a fuckload of turn based combat. But before the nerdrage subsides I get stuck with a frog man. No, not the badass Navy Seal guys, a literal frog man. So now I’ve got a princess and a frog and I’m time traveling. It’s like a Disney movie and Dr. Who plopped out a greasy shit baby and called it an RPG. Oh but it gets better, now I’m in the future with a steam punk robot named ‘Robo’. He’ll fit right in with the other guy named ‘Frog’. I’m surprised the main character isn’t called ‘Man’ and the blonde ‘Tits’.


#3

This game starts out with a mute, bum-ass teenager named, Crono (yes his name is ironically misspelled to hint at time) who eventually time travels to the past from a carnival, thanks to a necklace he stole from a Princess. He meets up with other losers like a girl that wears a bucket for a hat, a big ass frog, and a yellow robot that reminds you of Star Wars. They eventually decide to go back to the future like Marty McFly and save the world from a giant spiky-ass turtle that lives underground, solely based on the fact it’s the right thing to do. You explore the map, dungeons, and cities with three dudes at a time like any typical JRPG. Along the way you meet countless recycled sprites of people and monsters that inhabit the world.


#4

What the fuck!? I was gonna make this story! It took me a solid 10 minutes to write this shit


#5

Okay Frog man lol =P


#6

You position yourself in front of a television or computer monitor, with your hand(s) on or around the correct input device(s), and watch the screen and listen to the speakers and manipulate the controls… but then, once you’re finished, after you turn off the power or close the program, no matter how little or how much you enjoyed yourself, you know deep down inside that none of it actually matters beyond the passage of time that has taken place in the real world during your mental absence, and the toll that your equivalent neglect has taken on your life and the lives of your friends and family during this lost time, which is now irrevocably past: unrecoverable, irreplaceable, gone forever.

Oh, we should totally try and guess each other’s games! I think it would be fun.


#7

That post makes me feel sad and empty inside.


#8

Sounds like Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back for the Atari 2600, amiright?


#9

You start by turning on a computer and going into your bookmarks, then you click the link to your favorite gaming site and end up in forum game hell. Roll credits.


#10

Hope you like belts, because every character in this game wears at least 5 of them. I also hope you like your fighting games with 75 subsystems that you’ll never be assed to actually use. If you can’t memorize mathematical equations to determine how much damage a combo will do and say its button sequence in your sleep, then you’re a scrub who should throw his console into traffic. And good luck even doing any of that while the gratingly loud, PS1-fidelity soundtrack assaults your ears. And don’t even get me started on that convoluted, impenetrable story…

Spoiler

It’s Guilty Gear.


#11

In this game you play as a little bitch with a little bitch ass sword and a little shield going around… HAAH HAAH HAAAHH! Who wants to play that shit?


#12

you play as some kid called red and his buddy blue. your mission is to get the four gems to prevent the return of some lame robot called golden silver. In this game you get to choose to fight 4 unoriginal bosses: some chick on a robot, a buff dude, some vegeta wannabe with a transformer, and a guy with a fetish for dice. The game play is basically contra with a life bar (which is in numbers for some reason) so its basically contra for pussies. Did I forgot to mention that you get to fight M. bison with a jetpack?


#13

In this game you play as one of 3 people, a white guy, a white chick, or a black guy. The story is some crime lord business man is corrupting the city and kidnapping people. I think these 3 people you play as are cops or something.

Anyway, you walk down urban streets beating the shit out of thugs to this house and club music. You beat up these red head dudes in jean vest, you beat up these bald black dudes in jeans and shirtless, you beat up these chicks with whips, and a bunch of other weirdos. The bosses of this game are like 2-3 times the size of everyone else for some reason and one of them looks like Ultimate Warrior. Oh and for a special move, a cop car shows up and a guy leans out the window shooting a missile or bullets and it rains down and damages all the enemies. The cutscene for this at the final boss is hilariously long. And after you beat the final boss, who’s just some spaz with a tommy gun, they don’t even tell you what happens to this dude.


#14

So, you start off as this shitty little kid and his awful friends, all white, no variety, and they just run away from home because of their hyperactive imagination. They “help people”, even though they just make everything worse because they’re little kids. Their parents never seem to look for them, must be bad kids. They make up having these psychic powers, strutting around, killing supposed unborn fetuses with creepy music, their hometown is even named after a breakfast food, I mean, who does that?

@Mettalix:Is yours Diseaga?


#15

So in this game you start out as a mute nerd scientist. The game starts off at some science place and you have to inspect some weird piece of rock. Then bam explosions causes some portal to open up that allows the head crab master race come in. So what do you get to defend yourself from these fucking aliens? A crowbar, I mean what the hell am I suppose to do with that. The game doesn’t even know if it wants to be a shooter or a puzzle game. Also the game doesn’t even have cut scenes for the story.


#16

You play as an unmanly government agent sent to some shitty European village to find the president’s daughter. The agent is poorly trained as he is incapable of moving while aiming his gun, cares more about stealing the townsfolk money and valuables than gathering supplies, everything in a small attache case incapable of carrying most things he needs , likes to shoot at chickens and kill defenseless villagers who at best can only use farming equipment . President’s daughter isn’t any better as she’s only good for pointing out the obvious, getting dump in dumpsters and upskirts. Agent has this creepy fellow who stalks him everywhere he goes trying to sell him stuff and buy his stolen goods. He gets recuse constantly by some bitch who cock teases all the time. How unmanly.


#17

Sadly enough, the agent is relatable to all srkers because he has an extreme case of yellow fever + Carmen Sandiego fetish. Said agent also has worse driving skills than a blind asian woman, as it is mandatory that he leaves any manned vehicles as a burning wreck.


#18

You are a dog man thing. You’re actually a failed experiment. This asshole scientist with a big fat N tatooed on his forehead [Possible Neo Nazi] wants to take over the world and he sends out his mutant lackeys to fuck you through out time, space and all that shit. You can only jump and spin… you have to break boxes constantly and collect these apple looking fruit all the time. You start collecting so much and you start tripping out instantly seeing floating masks talking to you.
There isn’t much of a cause here. Some floating mask demands you go save the world all by yourself. You have a sister, but that bitch is lazy. All she does is sit on her ass and fiddle with her laptop. All she’s good for is riding tigers on China’s great wall. Man, You’re busting your ass trying not to get mauled by this triceratops, rolled over by a random ass boulder or being blown up via TNT by some psychotic blue dog kangaroo and this bitch is jet skiing, flippin’ around for some fucking fruit.

The developers are furries. That’s not really noticeable now, but back then they were letting that freak flag fly.


#19

Off-topic but this thread reminded of this

Spoiler

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m975dubeka1qee8e6o1_500.jpg


#20

I like how even when you try to make Streets of Rage and Chrono Trigger sound shitty, they still sound good. Sign of good game design!