After a long day out in Tucson, and a lot of activity, my wife and I found ourselves in the car with our great friend ( http://quiteunsure.blo… ).
“Oh wait! Wait, wait… I know where we have to go… Just trust me on this…” It came so suddenly and startled us both. The car ride up to that point consisted of him gabbing on about some of the history of the seedy neighborhood we were just passing through (I believe we were traveling south on Oracle- No Tell Motel anyone?). He raced his pick up across three lanes of traffic to make sure he could make the left turn onto Drachman. All the while chuckling to himself.
Passing up where he obviously wanted to go, he looked for an appropriate spot to pull into in order to back track down Drachman. “Not here. I don’t want those pushers thinking I am buying tonight,” he said as we pass a very sketchy motel with about four clockers holding down shop out of one of the motel units right next to the drive way.
So we find our appropriate and safe U-turn, and make our way back to a place that can only be described as a dive bar from the outside. Except for the fact that there is an obviously strange looking yellow Ford Festiva parked outside with some weird decals on the back, and a giant sized scrotum hanging from where a trailer hitch would normally reside (as if a tiny Ford Festiva would be able to haul anything more than a child’s sled behind it).
Warning: a fake scrotum hanging from a silly looking car was tame in comparison to what awaited us inside (and hopefully what I will be able to describe). If you are squeamish to the thoughts of drunkenness, debauchery, or more likely- drunken debauchery- you might want to read elsewhere…
For what we found was God’s personal playground. His heaven on earth. Nicely tucked away in that rough part of town is a place where you can find God and hear straight from his lips “I will ruin your life.”
You may not know this, but God’s real name is Jim. Jim, aka- God, used to box professionally, and evidence of these fights are plastered all over the walls… Amongst other things. You see, this place is like a museum of God’s perversions.
My friend very quickly introduced us as friends from Chicago and ones that are interested in the “full tour.” This was where things got jaw dropping, and where my friend took the liberty of assuming that although he didn’t know my wife all that well, that she wouldn’t get offended at anything we were about to see (she did NOT by the way… but I guess I did…).
On the tour you will see the following:
- A locked room full of sex toys, and customized sexual apparatus’s that are used by God and his harem of lady followers (hundreds of them).
- Pictures everywhere of dubious and what many would call shameful public sex acts from the above referenced sex room- carefully narrated by God himself (more on the “celebrity” sightings to follow).
- A wall of shame of sorts in which people bring in their AA chips showing off just how long they have been sober. These chips have been turned in to God, in return for one, half-priced drink from the bar. There were MANY of them, including a few 5 year chips. Please note- this to me was where I became offended.
- A rigged condom machine in the ladies bathroom that automatically set off a very loud alarm system throughout the bar any time one was bought.
- Last, but certainly not least, a branding iron that has been used over 1650 times to date on humans who come into The Meet Rack and ask God to brand an image of his face somewhere on their body. That is right- a branding iron… As in what farmers do to their cattle to ensure they can keep track of them. And yes, it has happened over 1650 times to date. What does this get you? Half-priced drinks for life.
Oh, and pictures of his friends too.
Friends like Sean Hannity. You know him- that far-right leaning ass bag blow hard on Fox News who likes to spout off about the downfall of American morality and power. And the second most photographed person in the place (behind God himself, of course)- The Govinator, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Sure, those really are pictures of Arnold using his fingers to “check the temperature” of a young college coed. http://farm1.static.fl…
Amazing “historical” photographs all around! Ask for the tour…
You haven’t lived until you have had God himself point across a series of pictures, telling you “here is a picture of me and Sugar Ray Leonard in 1982, and this one of me having a shot with Sean Hannity in 1999, and here is a dog boinking a pig, and this picture is me with my daughter and…”