I normally wouldn’t write something really personal on here, but It’s 3:30 in the morning, I can’t sleep. The beeps off the machines, and all the sounds of this hospital are keeping me up. And the guy across the curtain died a few minutes ago while I watched.
It’s not the first time I’ve seen anybody die, but it’s probably the most horrible way I’ve ever seen besides watching my father get eaten alive by cancer. The guy was sedated but still chocked to death on his own blood. Blood gurgling out of his throat and mouth. It looked like a red geyser that wouldn’t stop blowing out liquid.
I’ve been in and out of the hospital almost this entire year. It’s been one thing after another. A year and a half ago I almost buried my mother. If she hadn’t called me, she would have bleed out in my car after she fell off her porch and landed face first on the concrete, cracked her head open to her brain, and bled for god knows how long before she became concious and called me. It was the scariest ride I’ve ever taken.
I had a pulmonary embolism, which is a fancy way of saying blood clot in my lungs. Specifically I had three of them. Currently a section of my left lung is dead because of it.
I went to the hospital twice, and the urgent care before that, and then I finally left my house in an ambulance while I stared at my son, and seeing this utterly confused look in his eye. I couldn’t breathe after getting up the stairs and sitting on my bed on sunday night. I couldn’t catch my breath but tried to sleep anyway. It felt like somebody was sitting on my chest. I woke up every 10 or 20 minutes, and then eventually got up, stayed up right in bed and tried to read and slow my breathing. I could hear my pulse pumping in my ear and the veins in my head were bugled. I’ve been so tired for so many days that I just figured my body wasn’t doing what I wanted it to do.
Finally we called my doctor at like 6 in the morning and they told me I most likely had a blood clot and I needed to call an ambulance immediately.
I passed in and out of consciousness in the ambulance. I remember seeing my wife’s speeding car in the rain out of the little window in the ambulance. Then not seeing it. Then waking up with a flash light shining in my eyes. I woke up pulling into the hospital and saw her car pass by. I remember seeing her in the doorway, and test after test after test and getting wheeled into the ICU. My oxygen saturation was at 60% and some change. It fluctuated, but that’s why I was told I went in and out of consciousness in the ambulance.
They’re cleaning up the mess next door. It smells. They’re slathering checmicals all over the floor.
I miss my son. I got him a bike and I couldn’t even watch him ride it for the first time because I was staring at a bunch of green lights circle my head and chest while stuck in a cat scan machine. You know the chemical they shoot thru your veins makes it feel like you pissed your pants? It sucks.
I spent most of the morning having oxygen shoved through my mouth and nose, and multiple needles full of drugs jabbed into my body. My wife stayed with me for the longest until my mother came to let her go home and get some rest. You can’t get any sleep in an ICU. There’s all these noises that I couldn’t even describe. It’s a scary place.
I was told that because of the embolism, and the thought the idea that I may have more blood clots in other places, that I absolutely couldn’t leave bed. Not to use the bathroom. Not to get a drink. Nothing. I could take a step, the clot could move, and possibly go into my heart, which would cause my heart to stop, or into my brain, which would kill me.
I’ve been shot at, I’ve been stabbed, and I’ve been in a lot of stupid and shitty situations, but I don’t think any have made me feel so helpless. My body could basically kill me if I stood up. I spent time trying to not go nuts. I watched an episode of the sopranos on A&E. What a fucking waste of time. It’s just not the same without the curse words. And how many variations of that ninja food processor are there?
The following morning I got bitched out by this british nurse named Anna. She wasn’t happy that I wanted to piss in a toilet rather than a urinal. Despite that, I was let out of the ICU a little while ago. They tell me I’m not in immediate danger any more and I got transfered into a room just to watch somebody die.
I don’t know when I’m going to get out of here. My wife and mom got some things together for me like my phone and my laptop. A few books and random things from home so this place doesn’t feel so empty or scary. A lot of my friends have come to see me, and I still have these long stretches of time where all I have is time to think.
I gotta say that I’m thankful that I’m even alive. The ambulance tech, and the first two ICU nurses as well as the admitting doctor told me that if I had arrived an hour later that I would have died. I saw all these fucked up people in the ICU and all I could think about was making it back home. Seeing my son. Seeing my friends. Sleeping next to my wife. Doing something as simple as sitting outside on my porch and watching my dog play outside. The fact that I’m going to have crushing debt and a long road ahead of me to just be normal because of everything that’s been happening… I’m just happy to be here. I never thought I’d say anything like that.
One of the reasons I posted this thread is that I wanted to thank the community here. There are a lot of newer members that I don’t think add much here, but I’ve never belonged to a community for as long as I’ve belonged to SRK. I’ve seen an incredible amount of generosity flow from this site. All the love that was given to Mummy-B when he was dying. Being able to send that cowbell sure meant a lot. I hope his mother is okay. Same with Dasrik. I know his family appreciated what was done by the members here. Look at folks trying to help Chris (I can’t remember his last name) in new york when his family lost everything.
Pretty incredible to help people you’ve never even met.
I’ve had the blessing and pleasure to meet hundreds of people from SRK. I’ve met people like Dataika that I consider family. Dude has helped me more than I could ever repay in this lifetime and he does it simply because he’s a good guy.Folks we don’t see anymore like RunningUppercut and Pained Auron, who’ve always had my back. Fenrir 171, who’s been going through some shit for the past few years, but still remains a really positive guy. People like [wintermute] who pops up to lend a hand just when you wouldn’t expect it. Folks like Valaris and Stu, TS, Grog, and others that made sure I didn’t end up in jail from drunken shennanigans at Evo. P Gorath for recognizing the south and the power of Coco Puffs. Danny Leong for showing mad hospitality to my southern ass all the way out to Las Vegas and making sure me and Dataika had a place to sleep. Sep, despite how things went down, I still got a lot of love for. He helped me and D out in Vegas and I will always been thankful for that. My man VDO for the roll cancel face. Fucking classic. Koop for stealing everything in site and trying to make it up with liquor, chicken wings, captain planet episodes and wisedom. Bmore Chun for being that dude. Slide for being a friend to me when I needed somebody to really understand wtf I was going through. Shin Blanka for giving me a secondary family and all the folks in E.M.S. that compromise that. June Ro for beating my ass but teaching me third strike and taking me to various tournaments even when I didn’t have wheels. Kyah Hicks for being my white brother from another mother. Scott Popular for being popular and being my black brother from another mother. Frank Gs knows what it is. Geese Pants for keeping me from cursing out the shuttle driver at the airport after she fucked up and missed my stop.Taito for being a lot smarter than he realizes. I wish you’d post more, mayne. Ducky, you know what it is. Nothing but love, man. So glad you’re doing well and all that bullshit got dealt with. Heidern98 for being a big enough man to throw down money at Hooters so I didn’t kill the waitress. Fuck Dan Marino. Philth, you know what it is. Achan for being the same as me and not being critical of that. Instead, listening and helping me understand some of the shit I’ve been going through over the years. SMB for not tripping that another white guy is calling his wife. lol Pryde for holding it down. Dios, thanks for the hat, man. lol
There’s so many people from here that I can think of that have had a positive impact in my life that have come from this site, so if I haven’t mentioned you, I apologize. I’m pretty drugged up. All the guys that come out to Final Round each and every year to support. People who show up to Evo just to have a good time. The Cannons and Wizard for giving us a place where we can get knowledge of a shared interest and let everthing diversify from there. Shin Blanka and BobSmack and every other EMS member who help with Final Round and give southern gamers who don’t get to go to any other majors a place to play. All the tournament organizers who dragged us through the great times in the fighting game community, through the implosion of arcades, and back through all these new cats coming in because of SFIV. Thank you. Thank all of you.
I hope you guys understand that despite the stupid trolling, despite some of the stupid topics, there’s a pretty good group of people here. I know other folks probably feel like this about other sites, and that’s cool, but I’ll probably post here till I die. I’m glad you guys are here. Take advantage of everything this community has to offer.
I have a long road ahead of me with my health. I don’t know when I’m leaving the hospital. Hopefully soon. I’m going to do my best to be in Vegas. I guess I’ll know when I get the medical bills. lol I hope I can make it and I hope to see new faces and old friends when I get there. I definitely am looking at life a little bit differently now.
You guys take care of yourselves and take care of each other.