I Almost Killed A Man Over Chili


fuck the crazy story thread, this isn’t crazy enough, just full of enough scotch bonnet sauce and rage to warrant it’s own thread (fuck you drunk enough that it does)

So I tell my roommate I am making chili and he can have some when it’s done. He immediately goes downstairs and opens my fucking crockpot and starts to pour himself some chili. Naturally I lose my shit in a calm way and politely tell him that its not ready until 10pm (8 hour cooking time). He proceeds to tell me I told him in front of his friend I told him to have chili right now. He starts fucking SHAKING and screaming at me for my fucking chili.

Now I admit, it’s damn good chili. And I am cooking a special turkey chili this time, for Father’s Day. But needless to say, when you offer somebody food, they should at least have the common fucking neanderthal sense to at least make sure IT IS FUCKING DONE COOKING FIRST before they dive the fuck in.

So I am still raging now, but to save a wall of text, he fucking lost his shit on me about not being able to instantly have my chili, so I had to put him in a chokehold while i hit him in the face repeatedly with a cordless phone while asking him if I had to hit “1” on the phone to ask the police why my roommate was trying to fight me for chili.

I had already hit the 9 and the first 1.

why can’t I has normal roommates?

also, why isn’t I normal?




Meh, sometimes passive aggressiveness is the way to go. Uncooked beans = diarrhea and bubbleguts. Shoulda just let him have it.


He really fucking loves chili. O__o


(Oh, hey. I was wondering where the hell you’ve been.)

Sigh. SoVi3t. I can’t explain why you’re so defective*, exactly, but you really need to learn to stop self-incriminating yourself. Seriously.

I only want the best for you after all.

Well, that’s not true.

I only want to be the first to be able to say “I told you so” after you disappear for a while and then come back, complaining about how you were “almost” (read: actually) molested after being sent to jail for something you decided was cool to blab about on SRK.

Same difference, though.

*Psst. I think it has something to do with you probably being an alcoholic. Just a guess.


im gonna nominate Tweleve for “cheer me up” post of the thread already…

can’t go wrong with a Simpsons jpg

edit: png my bad


I almost killed a man over tissue paper. Get on my level Sovi3t.


I’m surprised there was no dry humping(at least) involved since this is one of sovi3t’s stories.


In Russia, they charge you money for TP at a restroom. ON A TRAIN. I can honestly EASILY see that happening.

He didnt even eat the chili. And I made him shake. Or possibly his cocaine addiction did that.


ps-it’s weird posting without Clu posting right after


my roommates gf is here, and I thought about it, but she looks like a granny

…how did you know I was drinking?

seriously though, would you go to a BBQ and just grab a steak off the grill with your bare hands and start mowing down? Or would you ask the dude BBQing if it’s done, or wait for him to throw it on a plate, or if you’re American enough, hope to God your host can afford to give you a hotdog or maybe even some spam or half a hamburger.


You Should’ve beat him down and pour the chili on him when it was done…VERY done. You know, to make sure it was hot enough.



that would have been a tremendous waste of my chili. People be willing to go to jail and FIGHT ME for my chili.

fun fact: i have never once made chili and ate the whole thing myself

edit #1: i tried

edit #2: this thread ain’t a thread until RockBogart post a gif in here


Back in my “experimental” days, while having the mother of all munchie binges, I pushed my friend’s 6 year old sister into a wall when I caught a wiff of some fried chicken.
Normally I prided myself on overcoming the “stigma” of black people’s irresistible attraction to fried chicken (I eat baked chicken thank you very much), but I don’t know which “product” it was (there were a few) or maybe it was all of them, but all inhibitors were turned off and I attacked dat bucket o’ chicken like a priest going after a 5 year old boy all while these jungle drums were beating inside my head (no shit).
That little girl made the mistake of actually trying to get in my way and get herself some chicken… she left a sizable hole in the wall after I knocked her out of the way.

The rest is a greasy blur, but my friends filled me in on the details about how I was in the corner stuffing my face and swatting randomly in the air.

Ah the good ol’ days.


Put your balls on his face when he is sleeping. You put them on everything else in your house…


You “almost” killed him.

You didn’t kill him.

Waste of thread.


chili’s not done for 2 more hours now (cuz he opened the fucking lid)

I will change my sig if you never use a pony avatar again <------------------------- shots fired

Is there a good recipe for baked chicken? I ask this in the most serious manner ever.


no you didn’t


I never cared about your sig. Sorry.


oh my mistake

change your fucking avatar


It was/is turkey chilli. Who gives a fuck? Im sure thats what he thought.


Lol are you afraid of AppleBloom or something bruv?