I haven't written anything creative in a while


#1

So please, Comments & Critique is very welcome.


“Forgive me, father. It’s been too long since I’ve come to visit.”

Dan sniffed and wiped away tears that had already begun to flow.

“The most important thing I have to tell you…”

His voice gained a measure of strength, and he bent to lay a bouquet of roses before the weathered headstone.

“I’ve avenged your death. I think you’d be proud of me. I held Sagat’s life in a closed fist – if I had clenched, he would be dead.”

Dan stood and briefly held a tightly balled fist out at shoulder level. His stern gaze was fixed on some far-off point, and his visage seemed to be carved from stone.

His arm went slack and his stony countenance softened.

“Instead I opened it and allowed him to choose to stay on as my pupil and learn from the style that bested him. My style – Saikyo-Ryuu.”

Dan sneered.

“He refused.”

A brief pause, a sigh, and then:

“I did it without anyone’s help. My power, my training techniques, and my style. That’s all I needed. But Father, what should I do now? I’ve spent my whole life pursuing vengeance. The road ahead is bleak for me. I need your help.”

Dan settled slowly into a cross-legged position, facing his father’s grave.

“There must be others like me. Others who have had fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters taken from them. They deserve the choice I had. But they shouldn’t have to go it alone. Not everyone is as strong as I am, after all.”

He stood up abruptly, head held high and eyes bright with newfound purpose. A huge grin blossomed on his face.

“I must dedicate my life to spreading the Saikyo way! Thank you.”

He turned and bowed respectfully before leaving his father to rest.


#2

Hey Saikyo…

Throws jersey at your face

Good work, man. I liked it.


#3

Some minor nitpicks, but I think you got a really good grasp on the character. I could hear cheesy Enka music playing in the background and everything. :tup:

“Dan sniffed and wiped away tears that had already begun to flow.”

– This sentence is redundant. You don’t need to tell us tears are flowing. It’s somewhat implied by the act of him wiping them away.

“The most important thing I have to tell you…”

– Odd sentence structure – “I have to tell you something important.”

“His voice gained a measure of strength, and he bent to lay a bouquet of roses before the weathered headstone.”

– Bent to lay doesn’t work. Layed by itself would work just fine. “His voice regained its strength, and he layed a bouquet of roses before the weathered headstone.”

Dan stood and briefly held a tightly balled fist out at shoulder level. His stern gaze was fixed
on some far-off point, and his visage seemed to be carved from stone.

– You can shorten this a little. “Dan held his fist in front of him, his gaze fixed like stone on the horizon.”

His arm went slack and his stony countenance softened.

– Don’t use stony countenance/gaze twice in the same sentence. You can combine the fact of his arm going slack with the next sentence.

“Instead I opened it and allowed him to choose to stay on as my pupil and learn from the style that bested him. My style – Saikyo-Ryuu.”

– See how this works for you: "He unclenched his fist and looked at his palm. “Instead I opened it and allowed him the chance to learn from the style that bested him. My style – Saikyo-Ryuu.”

“The road ahead is bleak for me.”

– I’d complain that this was cliche, but this IS Dan, so…

Dan settled slowly into a cross-legged position, facing his father’s grave.

– When did he turn away?


#4

Thanks.

[quote=“DaRabidDuckie, post:3, topic:75918”]

Some minor nitpicks, but I think you got a really good grasp on the character. I could hear cheesy Enka music playing in the background and everything. :tup:

:tup:

the point was kinda that he started saying a sentence, then put the bouquet down, then spoke again in a more confident tone. i swear this all makes sense in my head :rofl:

:tup:

I was kind of meaning that he put up a front of emotionlessness, then the following sentence was kind of referencing the previous metaphor. Make sense? meh, I don’t know.

This sentence bothered me anyway. I was trying to find another way to write it but I didn’t want to go over and revise everything first because then I couldn’t say it’s exactly as I wrote it the first time.
:tup:

Yep. :rofl:

:tup:

Thanks, duckie. I’m glad you didn’t find anything you know, major wrong with it. And it’s good to know these little things I can do to improve my writing.


#5

Man yeah, no problem. It’s all about getting everything tighter than the sheet on a marine’s bed. You want to be able to bounce a quarter off your sentences. Workshopping really is the best way to do it… just gotta let people read your stuff and see what they noticed that you didn’t. It’s the most productive way to improve your writing. That said, I think I owe Joe a critique as well for something he wrote. >.>


#6

Good job Saikyo I’m thinking of posting my second half of my story on the other site soon. Maybe I’ll edit my first as well with your critiques.