Boston, MA – Get a load of Sir Jizzalot over here. Sure, double pun intended. You know, when you really stop and think about it, the human body is a modern (and ancient) marvel, however, it is not without its’ disappointing limitations. For example, if you could somehow abstain from entering a pussy for 3 months (yes in a row), or, in this guys’ case, jack-hammering all over yourself on the regular, you’d like to think you could really save up and launch a big boy. Now, perhaps it’s due to my lack of having any degree to speak of (although my application to get certified in Reiki is currently under review at the University of Phoenix) but I don’t understand why we can’t have one giant sperm shoot out the size of an Atlantic Salmon. But, nope, it doesn’t work like that, and to me, that’s not really fair when you consider how patient I was during my research.
Anyway, imagine my surprise when, after 2 years of writing for free at the Critically Unclaimed blog, Wicked Improper, I received an email with an image, appropriately titled “Jizz Boy” to my inbox. Ladies and Gentlemen, I’d like to introduce you to a young man named Colin who apparently really enjoys America’s other favorite pastime. After today, he will no doubt be called such clever nicknames as “The Boston Wrangler”, or perhaps “Captain Trouser Broth.” Now, I don’t know if he was having a shrimp salad at The Barking Crab and doused himself with garlic aioli, but an inside source claims that his shirt was the recipient of a drone strike, a confirmed Whitehawk Down directly from the tip of Colin’s helmet. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Colin suffers from the same symptoms as the other 3 billion guys on the planet, and, you’ll forgive me for not having the medical term handy, but to the layman, you may recognize the term “blowing loads.” Obviously, you never know when the mood is going to strike, but, as men, we’re just trying to navigate the waters of this thing called “life” while our dicks are basically on call 24/7. Looks like Colin dialed in a favor to himself this morning and made the mistake of not choosing one of his other 45 t-shirts.
Colin, if you’re not meeting with HR right now about your hygiene (specifically, the 200 million little Colin’s you splashed all over yourself), you just won a $10 gift certificate to Dunkin’s. Email firstname.lastname@example.org to claim. Use that same email address if your lawyer wants to send me a cease and desist letter.
We are Wicked Improper. We are BostonStrong. We are ColinStrong. We are JismStrong.
Follow Colin on Twitter at SirJizzalot