Location: Paris, France
Sitting on a table located right next to a bustling street, outside of a fancy caf, the young and brash Griffin mindlessly takes a sip from a cup of coffee as he gazes into nothingness. With people walking all around in their endless banter, Griffin closes his eyes in a moment of reflexion, and shortly after, he opens them again, and notices that another young man is now sitting across the table.
Bout time you showed up.
Heh, sorry, Griffin! Roland was out chasing me again. You know, I just cant shake Samuel L. Jackson off me! First Star Wars, and now this! If this keeps up, my incipient acting career is gonna end before it even starts!
Well, look at Mark Hamil. Guy played Luke Skywalker, and after that, nothing.
Hey, he could voice a mean Joker like no other!
Yeah, that too. Get your act straight, Dave!
David Rice, the youngster before him, takes a look at the menu, and looks awkward, Yo, you could have least told me to meet at a Starbucks! These French words are just too big for me.
Griffin shrugs, Meh, enough of that. Did you bring what I asked you?
David smiles and pulls out a golden necklace from out of his trenchcoat pocket, dangling it before Griffin, The tip was right! You have some good taste if you looked for this at Rodeo Drive. I even stole me some Scarlett Johansson panties, word yo!
Griffin snags the necklace, but makes an unpleasant crook in his mouth, Dayum, youre gangsta. Well, gotta engross my funds with this. Whatcha gonna do?
David stands off, and does a shooting gesture with his hand, Sienna Miller is waiting for me at my penthouse in Dubai! You, on the other hand, can just go play with yourself, trying to live down that Billy Elliot legacy. Peace, fool!
David vanishes in a puff of smoke, and Griffin stares at the necklace, letting out a deep sigh, Oh, the past continues to pursue me! Like Attack of the Killer Tomatoes chases George Clooney! Woe is me!
Griffin stands up, leaves a couple of euros on the table, and walks away, revealing that he is wearing some ballet slippers.
Origin: Jumper film
Games: Jumper Griffins Story
Company: Brash Entertainment
Fun fact: Griffin is an original character that appeared in the Jumper film and not in the science fiction novel it was based on. The game implies that Griffins parents are killed by David Rices (the protagonist, played by Hayden Christensen in the movie) mother, who happens to be a Paladin (a sect whose job is to eliminate Jumpers and everyone involved with them).
Location: Phoenix, Arizona
In the bustling US Airways Center, a game between the home team, the Phoenix Suns and the Los Angeles Lakers is now taking place. With the score now tied, Steve Nash passes the ball in the paint to everyones favorite dominant center, Shaquille ONeal! Shaq bounces the ball in his usually awkward way, until a large negro hand slaps him in the wrist. Shaq just holds the ball while shaking his wrist as the whistle blows, letting out a slight whimper.
Shaq looks around for the perpetrator, and his sight fixes on a smiling negro man in yellow-and-purple, his former partner and best buddy, Kobe Bryant! Kobe whistles about as Shaq frowns.
YO, KOBE! You be some bitch-ass nigga! I thought youz be bettah than to perform Hack-A-Shaq, shawty!
Kobe goes off on his former ring comrade, Forget you, nigga! I always got tired of seeing you go to the line 36 times a game, and miss 33! The hell is wrong with you, son? Even Magic tried to train you on that shit, and you still managed to send all those bricks at the rim! Fuck yo free throws, nigga!
Shaq stands menacingly before his old pal, Watch the tongue, Kobe. Keep spitting dat hot FIYAH, and Ill make you my bitch worse than what you did to that white ho, best believe!
Kobe points at the line, Why doncha get your lunky ass on dat paint and drop down your FT percentage even more, brubrah?
Shaq lifts his right hand with 4 rings on the fingers, See this fourth ring, Kobe? I got dis bling-bling in Miami! What have YOU done since Ive been gone from LA, dawg?
Kobe huffs and puffs and shoves Shaq merely a couple of inches away, Yeah? Well, I scored 81 points against the Raptors, how bout that shiny, nigga? Hah hahToronto
Shaq responds by shoving Kobe back, Says you, nigga!
The slight altercation turns into a huge brawl, with everyone just shoving each other and not throwing any punches. Bill Walton and Steve Snapper Jones comment from the sidelines.
Well, Bill, it seems we have yet ANOTHER episode of the ongoing Shaq-Kobe feud. I thought they patched things up last Christmas?
These basketball players and their MONEY! Egos collide once again in a battle for the ages!
I wonder why theyre just shoving each other. There are lots of black people down there. Where are all the guns and knives and such?
OH HEY! Ron Artest is down there nowand hes clocking out some chairs at the Lakers! THATS the old spirit!
Uhhhhe just decked your son Luke, Bill.
Yeah, well, he needed to man up anyway.
Name: Shaquille Rashaun ONeal
Origin: Louisiana State University (that is a college, not a game, people)
Games: EA NBA series, NBA Jam series, Shaq Fu
Company: EA Sports, Midway
Lost: Michael Jordan
Fun fact: Aside from his other media appearances (such as being an actor, rapper, whatever), Shaqs other vocation is beinga police officer! Actually a member of the reserve squad for the L.A. Port Police and the Miami Beach police, Shaq is entitled to assist in arrests, but not actually perform them. His title of Deputy Marshall also allows him to track down sexual predators on the Internet.
The Protagonist flicks his fingers over a bunch of sand lying on the palaces marble floor, apparently bored out of his mind, making up several figures out of the grains of sand as he lies his chin on his hand. The splendid sideshow is interrupted by the huffy Meister, who kicks the sand away.
Jesus, man, the last thing we need around here is MORE sand. We already have plenty of it out there as it is!
The fashion-challenged Protagonist lets out a deep sigh, OK, whats next in line, oh great commander of mine?
Meister flips out his clipboard from behind his back as his sight wanders about aimlessly, Let me see, your name was…uh…er…hmmm.what was your name again, lassy?
The Protagonist frowns, You can call me whatever you want, just dont call me Lassie!
Meister shrugs, OK, whatever, boy. It seems your buddy boy Edgar is stirring up some more shit out thereas well as some sand, heh heh. YOUR mission is to stop him from doing so, of course.
The nameless hero raises an eyebrow, I thought that was already established from the start?
Meister points out his pen at the Protagonist, Yeah, just like your name, but you dont see me reminding that, either, huh? Just use your awesome sand-morphing gimmick there and kick his grainy ass, OK?
The Protagonist gathers the bunch of sand in one of his hands, absorbing it into his body, Hey! I want some credit at least! Im not like those voiceless robots Link and Crono! Cut me some slack, eh?
Meister laughs out heartily, At least those two got involved in major blockbuster hits! Look at us, kid! Were just a cult hit at best! You know what a cult hit means, boy? Thats a pretty name for a flop! And your performance in the Heaven Clash tournament was nothing to write home about, either!
The Protagonist lowers his head, Geez, sorry, man…
Mesiter pats the heros shoulder, Dont worry, kid. Its alright. Now lets just get back to business and hope we get inserted in XBOX Live somewhere, ya dig?
The Protagonist shrugs his shoulders, I guess theres no other way for a nameless hero!
Name: The Protagonist
Sponsor: The Chief
Origin: Phantom Dust
Lost: Trevor Fitzroy
Fun fact: You can actually choose between 13 different pre-given names for the Protagonist at the beginning of the game (Alpha, Ice, Age, Key, Gin, Glen, Cruz, Lo, Air, Duke, Beard, Silver, and Green). If you choose neither of these options, The Protagonists name is changed to Nanashi instead (which basically translates to No Name).
Neji Hyuga and Rock Lee, two members of Team Guy, peacefully rest in the forest that surrounds the ninja village of Konohagakure. Neji just tosses some rocks around in the ground, while Lee spends his time running around the place, the training machine that he is. Not before long, the third member, Tenten, walks into scene carrying a small basket.
Hi, guys! Lunch is ready!
Neji sneers as he crushes a rock with his hand, Lunch?! Stupid wench, we were supposed to have BREAKFAST! You were to bring that food 4 hours ago, and you come waltzing in like it was early in the morning? Whats the matter with you?
Tenten blushes in embarrassment, I-Im sorry, you guys! I was just having this placid talk with the lady at the ramen stand, the hours just flew on by!
Lee flashes a thumbs-up as his shiny teeth let out a bright glimmer, No prob, Tenten! Well accept the food anyway, seeing as we are STAAAAARVING right about now!
Tenten smiles shyly, OK, here ya go, guys! Bon appetite!
Tenten opens up the basket to reveal the contents, which happen to be greasy cheeseburgers. While Lee looks modestly enthusiastic, Neji is less than amused, What the hell is this?! Stupid broad, we specifically asked for RICE CAKES! Where did you drag this crap from, Burger King? And it looks half-assed, as well!
Tenten plays with her fingers nervously, Uhhhhh.sorry, Neji. The combos at the hamburger stand were just too tempting to pass by. They STILL look better in the pictures, though.
Lee starts gulping down the burgers in quite the voracious way, until he suddenly stops and his eyes grow dim, These burgers.taste.weeeeeird.
Neji grabs one of the burgers, looks at it closely, and snarls at Tenten while throwing the burger away, Damn it all! You got us TOFU burgers?!? You couldnt even get us the REAL thing!!! Damn it, Tenten, you freakin suck at EVERYTHING!
While Lee punches his chest to pass down the tasteless burger, Tenten furiously grabs the basket, Oh yeah? Well, see what I can do! HIIIIIIYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Tenten spins the basket around, and tosses it away.until she finally realizes that she threw it straight into Nejis face, whos boiling head is fairly noticeable through the mess on his face. Tenten slumps her shoulders and lets out a deep sigh.
Maybe I AM in the bottom tier of this village.
Sponsor: The Epidemic
Origin: Naruto manga
Games: Several Naruto games
Company: Tomy, Bandai/Namco, and Ubisoft
Lost: The Joker
Fun fact: Tentens tactics of using many concealed weapons within her clothing makes her style resemblant to that of Ranma s own character, Mousse.
In one of the usual barren landscapes of the Outworld, the Shokan prince, Goro, chills out with some of his four-armed Shokan brethren, some of them banging on some rocks like they were in a Safri Duo concert. Goro enjoys the company as he lays down on a huge stone.
Ahhhhh! Finally some peace and quiet before yet ANOTHER war with the Earth realm! You know, of all the dimensions we can jump over to, I dont see whats so hot about that Earth. I mean, chocolate covered bacon? WHATS UP WITH DAT?
Stroking the Shokans prince head is one of his more loyal (and more eye-appealing) subjects, Sheeva.
But, my Prince, we also have a concern with the Centaurs! Shouldnt we focus on our quarrel against them?
Relax, babe! Those Mr. Ed bastards are too occupied in Hong Kong trying not to get eaten. Im tellin ya, those Asians will eat just about anything! Even a Shokans gotta shout out to them!
I also hear that Kung Lao is searching out for you.
Man, aint he had enough after I beat the crap out of his great granddaddy 500 years ago? But I do dig the cats hat. Gotta have it for my dome, ya hear?
Sheeva smiles as she kisses the forehead of her beloved prince, Oh, my liege. How much has the world of MK missed you so?
Suddenly, one of Goros followers leaps into scene, Your highness, your highness!
Goro stands up in a storm, looking menacing as he almost walks all over his minion, Damn, fool! Why you gotta be ruining my mojo for? This better be good!
Uhhhit is, sire! It seems like some MK fighters have jumped over to the DC universeand they have conveniently forgotten all about you!
The follower hands Goro over a list, and as Goro reads, he raises an eyebrow.
Im not good at this reading stuff.Sheeva, you handle this!
Goro hands over the list to Sheeva, reads over the list to Goro, whose frown seems more and more prominent as the list goes on.
Wha…? Seriously now, Lex Luthor? Fuck this crossover shit! Im gonna jump over and beat on some DC fools, best believe!
Sheeva interjects, You think Ed Boon would approve of this?
That sucker better not start bitchin again, or Ill stomp a mudhole in his ass and walk it dry! Follow me, my multi-armed subjects!
It seems like Goro is now hell-bent on letting everyone know where he is!
Origin: Mortal Kombat
Games: Mortal Kombat Trilogy (PSX version), Mortal Kombat 4 Gold, Mortal Kombat: Deception, Mortal Kombat: Unchained, Mortal Kombat: Shaolin Monks, Mortal Kombat: Armageddon
Lost: Mars People
Fun fact: Goro is mentioned in BloodStorm during a Game Over message which says Who cares where Goro is?.
Location: Area 0
Swinging through the spotlights located over the ocean, Rad Spencer jumps and flips through the air and finally lands on the ground of enemy territory, and walks inside a room of one of the buildings scattered throughout the enemy camp. He walks up to the super computer located in the middle of the room, and presses some buttons on the keyboard.
Spencer frowns at the puzzle appearing on the huge plasma screen, sigh Hacking isnt what its cut out to be anymore.
The bionic commandos train of thought is cut short as a familiar old face pops up on screen, HEEEEEEEEEEEEERES JOE!
Spencer is taken aback by the sudden appearance and almost drops down on his ass, What the shit?! Joe, stop doing that crap! This HD stuff makes your wrinkles seem all the more baggy!
The old soldier Super Joe rubs his face in concern, Yeah, I know. You would think that in this age of high-tech crap, they would make a anti-aging cream that works but NO! It all has to be about blowing shit up. Shit makes me mad, for real!
Spencer fixes his shades, So, are we ready for our new mission now?
Joe smiles and winks, You betcha, old school boyee! I just hope it doesnt become some generic 3D exploration crap like just about 80% of the market out there. We gotta add that little touch of creativity that made the original so damn cool, ya know what Im sayin?
Spencer nods in approval, I just hope those damn NAZIS dont appear again.
Joe looks visibly shaken, Whoa whoa WHOA! You cant mention that name, fool! Censors and elitists would be all over our ass! Nintendo didnt like it back then, and apparently neither does Microsoft or Sony! So can it!
Spencer fiddles with his bionic arm, Huh, I guess those guys are no different than the Naz—I mean, the Badds, then. Anyways, their leader still looks like Hitler, anyway, so its all good in the hood!
Joe frowns, Whatcha rantin about now, noob? Get the heck outta here, ya nerd!
Super Joe cuts off transmission, as Spencer shakes his head.
Maybe theyll get it right on the FOURTH remake.
Name: Nathan Rad Spencer
Sponsor: jae hoon
Origin: Bionic Commando (arcade version)
Games: Bionic Commando (NES/GB version), Bionic Commando Rearmed, Bionic Commando (XBOX 360/PS 3 version)
Lost: John Rambo
Fun fact: In some dialogues during Bionic Commando Rearmed, it is revealed that Rad Spencer was once married until his wife ditched him (which is mentioned constantly by fellow soldiers in the neutral areas).
Location: Narshe Mines
Hidden deep within a cave inside the Mines of Narshe, Umaro and a small group of Moogles dance their hearts away in a merry party, with Umaro gleefully chomping down on imp meat as the Moogles spin around almost in synchrony. Mog, the surrogate leader of said group of awefully cute creatures, walks up to his yeti friend.
Yo, Umaro! You seem to be in a gloomy mood. What gives? This is a pretty tight Moogle party, doncha think?
Umaro looks down and mumbes, Aark oorg.
Huh? You want a female couple? Well, gee, thats hard to tell, big guy. I havent seen a yeti woman around here for eons now. Care to accept some suggestions?
Umaro nods, Arooo eek!
OK, how about that blond bombshell, Celes? Like that ho, my big furry friend?
Umaro tilts his head side by side and kind of shakes his hand in a so-so fashion, Raa gaa blu.
Fine, so how bout that Terra broad? Like that crazy Esper chick?
Umaro nods happily and claps, Oooh abah trag!
But if that doesnt fill your bill, how bout that little dame, Relm?
Umaro raises an eyebrow in confusion, Aroo?
Mog laughs it off, I kid, man, I kid! Being a pedo just isnt your style. OK, you knowI think I know the perfect couple for you! It looks feminine enough, and has some nice white hair to go with it!
Umaros eyes open wide and nods anxiously, Raau ip?
Yeah, whats the name? Yeah, Setzer! Guy looks fruity as hell, and could EASILY pass on as a woman! Hows that sound, big fella?
Umaro frowns, breaks the imp bone he has in one of his hands, and menacingly towers over his moogle friend.
Uhhh.maybe you would want Strago instead?
Seconds later, a weary moogle is launched through one of the cave walls down the mountain. Never mess with a sasquatchs short temper!
Origin: Final Fantasy VI
Company: Square Enix
Lost: Demitri Maximoff
Fun fact: Umaro is one of the two secret characters present in FF VI. You can recruit him by going into the Narshe Mines in the World of Ruin, infiltrating his lair, and retrieving the Terrato/Midgarsomr Magicite from a skull inside his room. This will trigger a battle against Umaro, and upon defeating him, you will be able to take him in (Mog needs to be in the party for this to work, though).