SRK Battle Poll VII - The Aftermath


#1

WHEW! Finally, after one full year of keeping this in the backburner, at last I get the chance to post the final results and the ranking of what turned out to be a great Battle Poll in 2008. As usual, the rankings will go in a asecending order (starting from the guys who ended dead last), include small stories for each character…you know, the usual drill.

Excuse me if some stories don’t really fit with the background or personality of some of the characters…some games I really didn’t play, some anime I really didn’t watch, so if some stories are wack, just chalk it up to the random insanity of the stories’ context.

The ranking is determined by the following:

  • Which round the character was eliminated in.
  • How bad his defeat was (the larger the vote margin, the lower they will place)

Here’s hoping we have a great BP this year…which will start sooner than you expect! :wgrin:


#2

#96

Location: Paris, France

Sitting on a table located right next to a bustling street, outside of a fancy caf, the young and brash Griffin mindlessly takes a sip from a cup of coffee as he gazes into nothingness. With people walking all around in their endless banter, Griffin closes his eyes in a moment of reflexion, and shortly after, he opens them again, and notices that another young man is now sitting across the table.

Bout time you showed up.

Heh, sorry, Griffin! Roland was out chasing me again. You know, I just cant shake Samuel L. Jackson off me! First Star Wars, and now this! If this keeps up, my incipient acting career is gonna end before it even starts!

Well, look at Mark Hamil. Guy played Luke Skywalker, and after that, nothing.

Hey, he could voice a mean Joker like no other!

Yeah, that too. Get your act straight, Dave!

David Rice, the youngster before him, takes a look at the menu, and looks awkward, Yo, you could have least told me to meet at a Starbucks! These French words are just too big for me.

Griffin shrugs, Meh, enough of that. Did you bring what I asked you?

David smiles and pulls out a golden necklace from out of his trenchcoat pocket, dangling it before Griffin, The tip was right! You have some good taste if you looked for this at Rodeo Drive. I even stole me some Scarlett Johansson panties, word yo!

Griffin snags the necklace, but makes an unpleasant crook in his mouth, Dayum, youre gangsta. Well, gotta engross my funds with this. Whatcha gonna do?

David stands off, and does a shooting gesture with his hand, Sienna Miller is waiting for me at my penthouse in Dubai! You, on the other hand, can just go play with yourself, trying to live down that Billy Elliot legacy. Peace, fool!

David vanishes in a puff of smoke, and Griffin stares at the necklace, letting out a deep sigh, Oh, the past continues to pursue me! Like Attack of the Killer Tomatoes chases George Clooney! Woe is me!

Griffin stands up, leaves a couple of euros on the table, and walks away, revealing that he is wearing some ballet slippers.

Name: Griffin
Sponsor: AzN_Skater
Origin: Jumper film
Games: Jumper Griffins Story
Company: Brash Entertainment
Won: –
Lost: Deadpool
Fun fact: Griffin is an original character that appeared in the Jumper film and not in the science fiction novel it was based on. The game implies that Griffins parents are killed by David Rices (the protagonist, played by Hayden Christensen in the movie) mother, who happens to be a Paladin (a sect whose job is to eliminate Jumpers and everyone involved with them).

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#95

Location: Phoenix, Arizona

In the bustling US Airways Center, a game between the home team, the Phoenix Suns and the Los Angeles Lakers is now taking place. With the score now tied, Steve Nash passes the ball in the paint to everyones favorite dominant center, Shaquille ONeal! Shaq bounces the ball in his usually awkward way, until a large negro hand slaps him in the wrist. Shaq just holds the ball while shaking his wrist as the whistle blows, letting out a slight whimper.

Oww.

Shaq looks around for the perpetrator, and his sight fixes on a smiling negro man in yellow-and-purple, his former partner and best buddy, Kobe Bryant! Kobe whistles about as Shaq frowns.

YO, KOBE! You be some bitch-ass nigga! I thought youz be bettah than to perform Hack-A-Shaq, shawty!

Kobe goes off on his former ring comrade, Forget you, nigga! I always got tired of seeing you go to the line 36 times a game, and miss 33! The hell is wrong with you, son? Even Magic tried to train you on that shit, and you still managed to send all those bricks at the rim! Fuck yo free throws, nigga!

Shaq stands menacingly before his old pal, Watch the tongue, Kobe. Keep spitting dat hot FIYAH, and Ill make you my bitch worse than what you did to that white ho, best believe!

Kobe points at the line, Why doncha get your lunky ass on dat paint and drop down your FT percentage even more, brubrah?

Shaq lifts his right hand with 4 rings on the fingers, See this fourth ring, Kobe? I got dis bling-bling in Miami! What have YOU done since Ive been gone from LA, dawg?

Kobe huffs and puffs and shoves Shaq merely a couple of inches away, Yeah? Well, I scored 81 points against the Raptors, how bout that shiny, nigga? Hah hahToronto

Shaq responds by shoving Kobe back, Says you, nigga!

The slight altercation turns into a huge brawl, with everyone just shoving each other and not throwing any punches. Bill Walton and Steve Snapper Jones comment from the sidelines.

Well, Bill, it seems we have yet ANOTHER episode of the ongoing Shaq-Kobe feud. I thought they patched things up last Christmas?

These basketball players and their MONEY! Egos collide once again in a battle for the ages!

I wonder why theyre just shoving each other. There are lots of black people down there. Where are all the guns and knives and such?

OH HEY! Ron Artest is down there nowand hes clocking out some chairs at the Lakers! THATS the old spirit!

Uhhhhe just decked your son Luke, Bill.

Yeah, well, he needed to man up anyway.

PHOEEEEEEENIIIIXXXXX BASKETTBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLL!!!

Name: Shaquille Rashaun ONeal
Sponsor: Evilsamurai
Origin: Louisiana State University (that is a college, not a game, people)
Games: EA NBA series, NBA Jam series, Shaq Fu
Company: EA Sports, Midway
Won: –
Lost: Michael Jordan
Fun fact: Aside from his other media appearances (such as being an actor, rapper, whatever), Shaqs other vocation is beinga police officer! Actually a member of the reserve squad for the L.A. Port Police and the Miami Beach police, Shaq is entitled to assist in arrests, but not actually perform them. His title of Deputy Marshall also allows him to track down sexual predators on the Internet.

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#94

Location: Palace

The Protagonist flicks his fingers over a bunch of sand lying on the palaces marble floor, apparently bored out of his mind, making up several figures out of the grains of sand as he lies his chin on his hand. The splendid sideshow is interrupted by the huffy Meister, who kicks the sand away.

Jesus, man, the last thing we need around here is MORE sand. We already have plenty of it out there as it is!

The fashion-challenged Protagonist lets out a deep sigh, OK, whats next in line, oh great commander of mine?

Meister flips out his clipboard from behind his back as his sight wanders about aimlessly, Let me see, your name was…uh…er…hmmm.what was your name again, lassy?

The Protagonist frowns, You can call me whatever you want, just dont call me Lassie!

Meister shrugs, OK, whatever, boy. It seems your buddy boy Edgar is stirring up some more shit out thereas well as some sand, heh heh. YOUR mission is to stop him from doing so, of course.

The nameless hero raises an eyebrow, I thought that was already established from the start?

Meister points out his pen at the Protagonist, Yeah, just like your name, but you dont see me reminding that, either, huh? Just use your awesome sand-morphing gimmick there and kick his grainy ass, OK?

The Protagonist gathers the bunch of sand in one of his hands, absorbing it into his body, Hey! I want some credit at least! Im not like those voiceless robots Link and Crono! Cut me some slack, eh?

Meister laughs out heartily, At least those two got involved in major blockbuster hits! Look at us, kid! Were just a cult hit at best! You know what a cult hit means, boy? Thats a pretty name for a flop! And your performance in the Heaven Clash tournament was nothing to write home about, either!

The Protagonist lowers his head, Geez, sorry, man…

Mesiter pats the heros shoulder, Dont worry, kid. Its alright. Now lets just get back to business and hope we get inserted in XBOX Live somewhere, ya dig?

The Protagonist shrugs his shoulders, I guess theres no other way for a nameless hero!

Name: The Protagonist
Sponsor: The Chief
Origin: Phantom Dust
Games: –
Company: Majesco
Won: –
Lost: Trevor Fitzroy
Fun fact: You can actually choose between 13 different pre-given names for the Protagonist at the beginning of the game (Alpha, Ice, Age, Key, Gin, Glen, Cruz, Lo, Air, Duke, Beard, Silver, and Green). If you choose neither of these options, The Protagonists name is changed to Nanashi instead (which basically translates to No Name).

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#93

Location: Konohagakure

Neji Hyuga and Rock Lee, two members of Team Guy, peacefully rest in the forest that surrounds the ninja village of Konohagakure. Neji just tosses some rocks around in the ground, while Lee spends his time running around the place, the training machine that he is. Not before long, the third member, Tenten, walks into scene carrying a small basket.

Hi, guys! Lunch is ready!

Neji sneers as he crushes a rock with his hand, Lunch?! Stupid wench, we were supposed to have BREAKFAST! You were to bring that food 4 hours ago, and you come waltzing in like it was early in the morning? Whats the matter with you?

Tenten blushes in embarrassment, I-Im sorry, you guys! I was just having this placid talk with the lady at the ramen stand, the hours just flew on by!

Lee flashes a thumbs-up as his shiny teeth let out a bright glimmer, No prob, Tenten! Well accept the food anyway, seeing as we are STAAAAARVING right about now!

Tenten smiles shyly, OK, here ya go, guys! Bon appetite!

Tenten opens up the basket to reveal the contents, which happen to be greasy cheeseburgers. While Lee looks modestly enthusiastic, Neji is less than amused, What the hell is this?! Stupid broad, we specifically asked for RICE CAKES! Where did you drag this crap from, Burger King? And it looks half-assed, as well!

Tenten plays with her fingers nervously, Uhhhhh.sorry, Neji. The combos at the hamburger stand were just too tempting to pass by. They STILL look better in the pictures, though.

Lee starts gulping down the burgers in quite the voracious way, until he suddenly stops and his eyes grow dim, These burgers.taste.weeeeeird.

Neji grabs one of the burgers, looks at it closely, and snarls at Tenten while throwing the burger away, Damn it all! You got us TOFU burgers?!? You couldnt even get us the REAL thing!!! Damn it, Tenten, you freakin suck at EVERYTHING!

While Lee punches his chest to pass down the tasteless burger, Tenten furiously grabs the basket, Oh yeah? Well, see what I can do! HIIIIIIYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Tenten spins the basket around, and tosses it away.until she finally realizes that she threw it straight into Nejis face, whos boiling head is fairly noticeable through the mess on his face. Tenten slumps her shoulders and lets out a deep sigh.

Maybe I AM in the bottom tier of this village.

Name: Tenten
Sponsor: The Epidemic
Origin: Naruto manga
Games: Several Naruto games
Company: Tomy, Bandai/Namco, and Ubisoft
Won: –
Lost: The Joker
Fun fact: Tentens tactics of using many concealed weapons within her clothing makes her style resemblant to that of Ranma s own character, Mousse.

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#92

Location: Outworld

In one of the usual barren landscapes of the Outworld, the Shokan prince, Goro, chills out with some of his four-armed Shokan brethren, some of them banging on some rocks like they were in a Safri Duo concert. Goro enjoys the company as he lays down on a huge stone.

Ahhhhh! Finally some peace and quiet before yet ANOTHER war with the Earth realm! You know, of all the dimensions we can jump over to, I dont see whats so hot about that Earth. I mean, chocolate covered bacon? WHATS UP WITH DAT?

Stroking the Shokans prince head is one of his more loyal (and more eye-appealing) subjects, Sheeva.

But, my Prince, we also have a concern with the Centaurs! Shouldnt we focus on our quarrel against them?

Relax, babe! Those Mr. Ed bastards are too occupied in Hong Kong trying not to get eaten. Im tellin ya, those Asians will eat just about anything! Even a Shokans gotta shout out to them!

I also hear that Kung Lao is searching out for you.

Man, aint he had enough after I beat the crap out of his great granddaddy 500 years ago? But I do dig the cats hat. Gotta have it for my dome, ya hear?

Sheeva smiles as she kisses the forehead of her beloved prince, Oh, my liege. How much has the world of MK missed you so?

Suddenly, one of Goros followers leaps into scene, Your highness, your highness!

Goro stands up in a storm, looking menacing as he almost walks all over his minion, Damn, fool! Why you gotta be ruining my mojo for? This better be good!

Uhhhit is, sire! It seems like some MK fighters have jumped over to the DC universeand they have conveniently forgotten all about you!

The follower hands Goro over a list, and as Goro reads, he raises an eyebrow.

Im not good at this reading stuff.Sheeva, you handle this!

Goro hands over the list to Sheeva, reads over the list to Goro, whose frown seems more and more prominent as the list goes on.

Wha…? Seriously now, Lex Luthor? Fuck this crossover shit! Im gonna jump over and beat on some DC fools, best believe!

Sheeva interjects, You think Ed Boon would approve of this?

That sucker better not start bitchin again, or Ill stomp a mudhole in his ass and walk it dry! Follow me, my multi-armed subjects!

It seems like Goro is now hell-bent on letting everyone know where he is!

Name: Goro
Sponsor: quiche
Origin: Mortal Kombat
Games: Mortal Kombat Trilogy (PSX version), Mortal Kombat 4 Gold, Mortal Kombat: Deception, Mortal Kombat: Unchained, Mortal Kombat: Shaolin Monks, Mortal Kombat: Armageddon
Company: Midway
Won: –
Lost: Mars People
Fun fact: Goro is mentioned in BloodStorm during a Game Over message which says Who cares where Goro is?.

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#91

Location: Area 0

Swinging through the spotlights located over the ocean, Rad Spencer jumps and flips through the air and finally lands on the ground of enemy territory, and walks inside a room of one of the buildings scattered throughout the enemy camp. He walks up to the super computer located in the middle of the room, and presses some buttons on the keyboard.

Spencer frowns at the puzzle appearing on the huge plasma screen, sigh Hacking isnt what its cut out to be anymore.

The bionic commandos train of thought is cut short as a familiar old face pops up on screen, HEEEEEEEEEEEEERES JOE!

Spencer is taken aback by the sudden appearance and almost drops down on his ass, What the shit?! Joe, stop doing that crap! This HD stuff makes your wrinkles seem all the more baggy!

The old soldier Super Joe rubs his face in concern, Yeah, I know. You would think that in this age of high-tech crap, they would make a anti-aging cream that works but NO! It all has to be about blowing shit up. Shit makes me mad, for real!

Spencer fixes his shades, So, are we ready for our new mission now?

Joe smiles and winks, You betcha, old school boyee! I just hope it doesnt become some generic 3D exploration crap like just about 80% of the market out there. We gotta add that little touch of creativity that made the original so damn cool, ya know what Im sayin?

Spencer nods in approval, I just hope those damn NAZIS dont appear again.

Joe looks visibly shaken, Whoa whoa WHOA! You cant mention that name, fool! Censors and elitists would be all over our ass! Nintendo didnt like it back then, and apparently neither does Microsoft or Sony! So can it!

Spencer fiddles with his bionic arm, Huh, I guess those guys are no different than the Naz—I mean, the Badds, then. Anyways, their leader still looks like Hitler, anyway, so its all good in the hood!

Joe frowns, Whatcha rantin about now, noob? Get the heck outta here, ya nerd!

Super Joe cuts off transmission, as Spencer shakes his head.

Maybe theyll get it right on the FOURTH remake.

Name: Nathan Rad Spencer
Sponsor: jae hoon
Origin: Bionic Commando (arcade version)
Games: Bionic Commando (NES/GB version), Bionic Commando Rearmed, Bionic Commando (XBOX 360/PS 3 version)
Company: Capcom
Won: –
Lost: John Rambo
Fun fact: In some dialogues during Bionic Commando Rearmed, it is revealed that Rad Spencer was once married until his wife ditched him (which is mentioned constantly by fellow soldiers in the neutral areas).

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**#90 **

Location: Narshe Mines

Hidden deep within a cave inside the Mines of Narshe, Umaro and a small group of Moogles dance their hearts away in a merry party, with Umaro gleefully chomping down on imp meat as the Moogles spin around almost in synchrony. Mog, the surrogate leader of said group of awefully cute creatures, walks up to his yeti friend.

Yo, Umaro! You seem to be in a gloomy mood. What gives? This is a pretty tight Moogle party, doncha think?

Umaro looks down and mumbes, Aark oorg.

Huh? You want a female couple? Well, gee, thats hard to tell, big guy. I havent seen a yeti woman around here for eons now. Care to accept some suggestions?

Umaro nods, Arooo eek!

OK, how about that blond bombshell, Celes? Like that ho, my big furry friend?

Umaro tilts his head side by side and kind of shakes his hand in a so-so fashion, Raa gaa blu.

Fine, so how bout that Terra broad? Like that crazy Esper chick?

Umaro nods happily and claps, Oooh abah trag!

But if that doesnt fill your bill, how bout that little dame, Relm?

Umaro raises an eyebrow in confusion, Aroo?

Mog laughs it off, I kid, man, I kid! Being a pedo just isnt your style. OK, you knowI think I know the perfect couple for you! It looks feminine enough, and has some nice white hair to go with it!

Umaros eyes open wide and nods anxiously, Raau ip?

Yeah, whats the name? Yeah, Setzer! Guy looks fruity as hell, and could EASILY pass on as a woman! Hows that sound, big fella?

Umaro frowns, breaks the imp bone he has in one of his hands, and menacingly towers over his moogle friend.

Uhhh.maybe you would want Strago instead?

Seconds later, a weary moogle is launched through one of the cave walls down the mountain. Never mess with a sasquatchs short temper!

Name: Umaro
Sponsor: Ibanezninja
Origin: Final Fantasy VI
Games: –
Company: Square Enix
Won: –
Lost: Demitri Maximoff
Fun fact: Umaro is one of the two secret characters present in FF VI. You can recruit him by going into the Narshe Mines in the World of Ruin, infiltrating his lair, and retrieving the Terrato/Midgarsomr Magicite from a skull inside his room. This will trigger a battle against Umaro, and upon defeating him, you will be able to take him in (Mog needs to be in the party for this to work, though).

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#3

Wow for a second there I was worried there would be no BP this year. :smile:


#4

I am so hype for this year.
I already got my team picked out and ready to roll.


#5

So there’s fanfiction to show off who won or not too? Awesome.

Can’t wait to participate this year. This’ll be good.


#6

#89

Location: Wood of Sharp Teeth

The reknown witch Dynaheir takes a peek over a tree to watch for incoming enemies as she carefully creeps back to her hiding place. She looks down towards her guardian, the ranger Minsc, who although imposing as he might seem, sits down peacefully, caressing his pet hamster Boo gently in his hands.

Dynaheir lets outs a deep sigh, Cmon now, Minsc. Let that stupid rat be and lets get out of this place. Those gnolls are no joke, and will sniff out our tracks!

Minsc frowns, Boo is not a rat! He is the ONLY miniature giant space hamster in the realms!

Dynaheir rolls her eyes, Yeah, yeah, he can be the great cajuna of gerbils for all I care! But seriously, Minsc, lets get a move on. Even Edwin is pursuing us as we speak. Theres no time left! Get your bulky ass UP!

Minsc puts Boo close to his ear, and then looks at Dynaheir, Boo says we shouldnt take that path, as we might run in with some rabid weasels.

Dynaheir raises her arms in frustration, Oh, great! I bet a couple of measly weasels are a LOT worse than a whole army of gnolls! Look, Minsc, youre a ranger, and that big-ass sword of yours is no kitchen knife. Along with my magic, I bet even BOO could kick those weasels asses. Now lets go before I kick yours!

Dynaheir storms off around a bush, as Minsc tries to reach out for her, Uhhh, no, my lady! Boo says the weasels are THAT way! You shouldnt go where the weasels are!

Dynaheir flips Minsc off without even turning back, Heres some weasel for ya!

But as it turns out, Dynaheir walks up to a clearing where dozens of gnolls are expecting her face on, as Dynaheir just slumps her shoulders and lets out a sigh of annoyance, I shouldnt have left the cabin today.

Meanwhile, Minsc smiles as he holds out his pet Boo in his hands, Heh hehthose pesky weasels.

Name: Minsc
Sponsor: ToyRobotTerror
Origin: Baldurs Gate
Games: Baldurs Gate II Shadows Of Amn
Company: Interplay
Won: –
Lost: Noel
Fun fact: In the game Guild Wars Factions, there is a henchman named Aurora with a pet named Hector who performs multiple battle cries resembling Minsc and his pet hamster, Boo.

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#88

Location: Besaid

The pacific island of Besaid. The calm waterfalls pouring down onto small rivers that give way into the sea. The tropic vegetation that surround the prominent hills. The peaceful village were the inhabitants play on the streets and go on with their normal lives. The sun sets up high in the deep blue sky, surrounded by the gentle sound of waves splashing on the shores. Yes, it is yet another tranquil day in the island of Besaid.

YO, BITCH!

An enraged Tidus pounds on his wooden table with great rage! Yuna comes out of the kitchen in a hurry, looking greatly exasperated.

Y-yes dear?

Yo, where mah breakfast at, ho? I dont break my back every day fighting monsters and saving the world from SIN for me to come back home and enjoy some damn good eggs and bacon? Whats wrong with you, slut?

B-B-But, I just came back from the market, andIuh.

Tidus slams the table again with AUTHORITY, Bitch, I DONT WANNA HEAR IT! When the man comes home, he expects to have his STEAK and his BLOWJOB when he demands it! Now serve me my piece of meat and start to get down, cuz Tidus DEMANDS satisfaction!

Y-yes, sweetie. Do you wanna beer to go with all that?

Dumb bitch, that goes without saying! Now get that pretty fanservice ass in gear, and get me mah slippers!

Outside of the house, a couple of villagers confer about whats going on inside.

Oh, such a pity. From a high summoner to personal bitch. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Yeah, who wouldve thought that after all those mushy romantic scenes and miss Yuna risking it all to save that dude from the depths of the Fayth it would end this way? Reality really DOES surpass fiction, eh?

By the way, have you seen miss Yunas staff? I think it went missing ever since she stopped being a summoner.

I think some fruity ass dude bought it cheap off the pawn shop. Said his girlfriend Nessa had some interesting uses for it.

Like ANAL SEX???

Uhhhh, no, man. No one would do such freaky ass shit.

Yeah, I guess not.

The horrors of Viscants deeds CONTINUE!

Name: Yuna
Sponsor: Lobelia Mk. IV
Origin: Final Fantasy X
Games: Final Fantasy X-2, Kingdom Hearts II (as a fairy)
Company: Square Enix
Won: –
Lost: Karin Kanzuki
Fun fact: Yuna has two different colored eyes. One eye is blue, hailing from her Spiran ancestry, and the other is green, depicting her half Al Bhed heritage.

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#87

Location: Dallas, Texas

Inside an abandoned warehouse in the outskirts of Dallas, a group of criminals is hard at work loading crates filled with illegal drugs inside a bunch of trucks lined up to be shipped to the rest of the country. Money is being counted, drugs are being packed, forklifts move everywhere, and armed guards patrol the vicinity. When all of a sudden, a rundown pick-up truck smashes into the warehouse shutter, but apparently still remains intact despite the huge impact.

All the goons focus their attention towards the incoming intrusion, as a single man comes out of the driving seat, dressed in a long turncoat, a cowboy hat, sports a manly beard and his usual expressionless smirk.

HOLY SHIT, its Walker!

Stay sharp, boys! Even though we are heavily armed.lets get him in hand-to-hand combat!

But I got beat up by a girl in fourth grade.

Who gives a shit?! LETS GET THAT SUM BITCH!

As hordes of minions go forth to maul the Texas Ranger, good ole Chuck just flips each and every one of them off their feet, performs mild punches which sends them flying into crates, and sometimes they even flip themselves onto the floor. The last villain finally takes a hint, and grabs his rifle again.

Enough of this PG-13 bullshit! Im gonna pump some caps up yo pale white ass!

But dear Chuck would have none of that, as he spins in severe slow motion, and performs his trademark ROUNDHOUSE KICK OF DOOM, which knocks the criminals head clean off and into one of the drug crates, which magically seals itself shut. With his cold stare still on his face, Norris deeply comments.

I think he finally put his head to work that time.

Jimmy Trivette, Norris fateful lackey, finally comes out of the passenger seat on the truck, brandishing his gun for some unknown reason.

DAAAAAAAAAMN, Walker! Why did you had to kill all these fools? Can you imagine the amount of paperwork were gonna have to do back at office?

Yeah, I know. It makes me sad.

Trivette looks at Chuck out of the corner of his eye, and true enough, his expression remains exactly the same, I dont know about that. I think I gotta send the report through my laptop, I suppose.

Chuck lets out a chuckle, Huh.kids and their Internet.

Name: Carlos Ray Chuck Norris
Sponsor: P. Gorath
Origin: The Wrecking Crew movie (was a karate tournament champ beforehand)
Games: Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris Superkicks
Company: Xonox
Won: –
Lost: Brock Samson
Fun fact: There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live (taken from over 4000 Chuck Norris facts which will probably be reused in the near future by another B-actor).

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#86

Location: Cinnabar Island

Deep within a forest path in the secluded regions of the Kanto region, Brock is resting in the shade of a tree, calmly enjoying the refreshing spring breeze as one of his favorite Pokemons, Geodude, trains by punching a tree trunk repeatedly, having rendered a considerable dent in the tree bark after successive attacks. Brock lets out a sigh of satisfaction.

Ahhhh.life is pretty good down here. A paradise setting, nice weather, and the food aint too shabby, either! What else can make this better?

As if destiny would have had it, one of the many Officer Jennys around the world strolls down the soiled path atop a bicycle, humming a sweet tune, and barely even notices Brock laying down on a side of the road. As if stung by a bee, Brock shoots himself up, and immediately locks his attention on the passing Officer, his mouth drooling like a sweaty dog.

Ohhhhh! Officer Jenny! What a babe! Those tight mini-skirts really rally me up! And those hotties are like a dime a dozen! How could you ever go wrong?!?

Geodude contemplates his master acting like a total tard as he lets out a sigh of disappointment, but as soon as he turns around to resume his training, the rocky Pokemon notices a small rat-like creature floating about aimlessly in a bubble, barely making some mute sounds as it flies about. Geodude has recognized this small Pokemon as the uber-rare Mew, and it was as visible as the daily sun! The dazed Pokemon tries to advert his master, but Brock seems to be in a catatonic state.

Uhhhh.Officer Jenny. The things I would do to you would be illegal in this kid-oriented show, Nintendo be damnuh, darned!

Geodude keeps looking back seeing how Mew basically raves it up by himself dancing to a catchy tune complete with disco lights and all, and the stone Pokemon cant believe Brock is not catching up on this. Geodude keeps tugging on Brocks shirt, but Brock just swats his hand off.

Let it go, Geodude! Im not gonna stand here around and be labeled as gayuh, weird like Ash. Im gonna get myself some ASS.uh, toosh tonight!

Brock storms off to pursuit his beloved officer as Geodude looks back to see how Mew has now gathered a rather large legion of Pokemons in his personal party. Geodude gives himself the facepalm, as it is ANYBODYS wonder why Mew is such a rare catch.

Name: Mew
Sponsor: Infernoman
Origin: Pokemon Red and Blue
Games: Pokemon Yellow/Emerald/Diamond/Pearl, Pokemon Snap, My Pokemon Ranch, Super Smash Bros. series (random appearance within one of the Pokeball items)
Company: Nintendo
Won: –
Lost: Hypno Toad
Fun fact: Comparabale only to SF IIs Sheng Long phenomenon, Mew spawned many rumors and so-called glitches in order to be obtained during the first Pokemon games, however, it could only be normally obtained during some Nintendo promotional events (although it could be hacked via game enhancers like Game Shark or Pro Action Replay).

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#85

Location: Highway

On a deserted and rather rundown segment of the highway, the dedicated soldier Cuff Button sits down, leaning his back against a wall in shambles, slowly reloads his gun as a sexy lady walks in his direction. Cuff seems to be breathing rather heavily, in part thanks to some wounds on his body as he just fought off a legion of monsters, having testified to many deaths in battle. The sassy vixen approaches Cuff, and drops on one knee besides him.

Looks like youre not doing too well for yourself there, eh soldier?

Cheh! Cut the crap, Freia! You may be Edgars favorite whore, but that doesnt mean I should yield to your oh-so quite evident charms.

Freia winks, What makes you think I actually need those to lead you on? Youre pretty easy, Cuff. All men are like that too, for that matter.

Cuff cuts her off and looks aside, Bleh. Talking about having the proverbial sand in your vagina, and you have a LOT from what I can tell.

Freias amicable expression turns to one of concern, Just because I was made out of dust doesnt give you the right to make bad puns like that, jerk!

Cuff shrugs as he slowly gets back on his feet, trembling all over, Hey, if I found a locket with a chick like you in a cereal box, I would go head over heels, too! Guess it worked for Edgar, I suppose.

Freia just pouts and fumes, THAT DOES IT!

With just a flick of her hand, Freia basically makes Cuffs whole body glow red, and shortly after, the hardened soldier falls to the ground, his whole skin giving out fumes as Cuff seems to be burning on the inside worse than a microwave burrito. Freia places a hand on her chin as she contemplates Cuffs broken body.

My my my, you cannon fodder people have no other choice but to resort to your cheesy one-liners to make up for your lack of screen time, eh? Next time, try to do so around your fellow losers, not up against a game-defining villain like me!

Freia pulls her hair back, as she looks at the gloomy skies.

Edgar, my love. Soon we shall be reunited for all eternity in the blazing cosmos, my dear!

With that, Freia vanishes in a cloud of dust, unknown as to where her next location will be.

Name: Freia
Sponsor: The Chief
Origin: Phantom Dust
Games: –
Company: Majesco
Won: –
Lost: Rasputin
Fun fact: As it is, Freia turns out to be just a creation of the antagonist, Edgar, as part of his master plan to recreate civilization from dust. Hey, if you can create the perfect girlfriend out of a bunch of sand, it sure beats one of those plastic dolls!

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#7

#84

Location: Kansas City, Missouri

At the usually dim Kauffman Stadium, the perpetual losers Kansas City Royals are getting basted by the Detroit Tigers, as the fans yawn and snooze at the now-usual scene of failure. Manager Trey Hillman shakes his head in disgust, and the rest of the players in the bench lower their heads in shame as Jose Guillen is struck out by Armando Galarraga and goes back to the bench looking mellow.

Miguel Olivo spits out some tobacco as he looks over at Billy Butler, Man, this job SUCKS! I would rather get traded to the Florida Marlins.they get a lot of losing seasons, but they at least get their act together and win some World Series every now and then!

At that moment, a solemn voice thunders from above, Do not fret, my fellow Royals in disgrace!

Olivo almost chokes on his tobacco, S-Shit! I never realized it was the seventh inning stretch already!

A familiar head looms in upside down from the benchs roof, Ummmno, not that. Its just meBo knows entrances, baby!

Indeed, it was familiar figure Bo Jackson, the baseball AND football superstar who had descended from the rafters to make things right in Kansas City once more! The inactive crowd suddenly springs to life as the legend steps up to the plate, shoving Coco Crisp aside and taking off his cap to salute the crowd. Tigers catcher Gerald Laird whispers to the umpire.

You think this is actually legal? Instead of a pine tar incident, we can call BS on a Bo Jackson incident!

From behind, Bo taps the catchers shoulder, You know, Bo also knows Bud Selig, which means, Bo knows how to make up rules on the fly! Which means, tell that damned pitcher to give me the best he got, cuz Bo knows anal rape!

Laird gulps down something fierce, and asks his pitcher to bring it. Even though the crowd is enthusiastic and the roster actually shows some attention, it doesnt take long for Bo to be struck out rather unceremoniously. As Bo looks at his bat in dismay, he clenches his teeth and throws the bat aside.

My inner negro RAGES, bitches!!!

Taking from his running back days, Bo rushes up to the pitchers mound and totally decks Galarraga with a inhuman tackle that sends the pitcher flying a couple of feet, falling down totally windless. Bo Jackson rearranges his cap as he gets back on his feet.

Bo also knows total rushdown, asshat!

Back at the bench, Billy Butler shakes his head, Well, I guess Bo doesnt know how to win. Kansas City does that to ya, you know?

Mike Aviles nods in agreement, Yeah, at least Deion Sanders knew how to branch out.

Bo Jackson overhears this comment, looks back, and flashes a pearl-white grin.

You knowBo also knows rap! Good rap, at that!

Manager Trey Hillman rolls his eyes, Here we go again.

Name: Vincent Edward Bo Jackson
Sponsor: Ibanezninja
Origin: Baseball and football star at Auburn University
Games: Tecmo Super Bowl, Bo Jacksons Hit and Run, Bo Jacksons Baseball, NFL Street 2
Company: Tecmo, Data East, EA Sports
Won: –
Lost: Terry Bogard
Fun fact: Bo actually made an appearance in the live-action TV series Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman where he constantly punks Supermannot in football or baseball, but in basketball, of all sports! After Clark Kent needs to use his flying powers to catch a ball, Bo claims Bo dont know that!. Nevertheless, Bo pinning Supes down in basketball sure is a funny thing to comment.

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#83

Location: Khentii Aimag, Mongolia

The dawn of the 13th century is upon us, and Mongolia has established a dominant empire that extends throughout Asia, much in part thanks to the brilliant military conqueror, Genghis Khan. On this particular day, Khan was taking a stroll down the rocky plains of Khentii Aimag atop his horse along with one of his generals, Muqali, followed close by a small entourage of soldiers watching over the well-being of their emperor.

Khan takes a deep breath and feels refreshed, Ahhhhh.nothing like the sweet scent of fresh blood in the morning, doncha think, Muqali?

Muqali nods as he has his sight lowered, Yes, I do believe so, my liege. Seeing as how you killed easily a couple of thousand villagers who happened to be on our warpath yesterdaywhich kinda makes it our fifth village this week.

Khan strokes his slim, yet notoriously long beard, Really now? It seemed like just a several hundred to me. Oh well! They all look the same when they drop dead, anyway.

Muqali checks out his bag of supplies next to his horses seat, and realizes with some shock, Huh.my lord? It seems we are out of food for this small reconissance trip.

Khan merely brushes it off, Thats OK, just give me a shard of glass.

Muqali blinks, …glass?

Yeah, glass, Muqali! Didnt you listen? Bring me loads and loads of glass! If you can, bring me the whole damn bar while youre at it! Ill eat that glass like its a bag of chips!

Muqali just cant grasp the concept of what his emperor wants, Does glass have any nutritional value?

Who cares about that?!? Do you really stop and think about the value of some people as you kill them? Nah, you just slit their throats and youre game! So, go fetch me some goddamned glass!

Muqali seems like a deer in the headlights, I believe they make loads of that glass thing several leagues to the west in Mesopotamia.

Khans eyes light up, For real? EXCELLENT! I think we have our new battle course now, boys! We head for Mesopo-whats-his-face, and see if we can conquer some more territories. We can make it six for six this week!

Khan gallops into the sunset, as Muqali shakes his confused head, I just hope this wont stick with our race in the near future.

Name: Genghis Khan
Sponsor: Return of Shiki
Origin: Mongolia circa 12th century
Games: Genghis Khan series
Company: Koei
Won: –
Lost: M. Bison
Fun fact: Like many other celebrities nowadays, Genghis Khans death remains shrouded in mystery. Some claim he died after falling off his horse after sustaining severe wounds in a battle, others say he went sick of pneumonia, and a few others say he was killed by Tanguts. One theory, however, sustains that a Tangut princess whom Genghis Khan took prisoner hid some pliers in her vagina, so when Khan took her as a spouse, it inflicted serious wounds on him. Hows that for sour grapes?

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#82

Location: Emerald Hill Zone

In the peaceful grassy hills of Emerald Hill, a couple of robotic insects are walking around aimlessly amidst the tall grass, and everything just seems peachy and quiet when all of a suddena rapid blue streak just blazes through the sinuous road, totaling the two insects into a scrap heap! A couple of miles later, the blinding blue lightning makes a sudden stop, lifting up some grass leaves on its brake, and it turns out to be none other than the recognized Sonic the Hedgehog.

Sonic dusts his sneakers off, and smiles, If you feel the need for speedthat was a damn fine display, indeed!

Shortly after, Sonics trusty sidekick, the small fox Tails, flies in using his dual tails as a copter, Geez, Sonic, youre as speedy as ever! I dont know why people keep putting you in such limited-space games where you cant run all that much.

Sonic looks up at the deep blue sky, I guess they wanna focus on my other talentsif I run too much, people could stereotype me as a speed demon, and while Usain Bolt can eat my dust and smoke it, I would really like to focus on my other aspects, ya dig?

Tails lands nearby Sonic, and looks pensive, Yeah, speaking about that, now that were employees for Nintendo, do you thinkI dunnoTHEY will give me a chance at my own game by now?

Sonic crosses his arms and raises an eyebrow, What are you saying, man? Ya dont like it here with me?

Tails shakes his head, It aint that. Its just that I feel Ive paid my dues and even Luigi has had his own gamessure, they werent too much of a game, but he still had the spotlight somewhat, and I feel I have earned a shot at a star role myself!

Sonic shakes his hands, Whoa there, buddy. I know Shadow got his own game because hes a sleak black version who tots a gun, but what about you? You could only appeal to those Pokemon loving brats or some fruity-ass furry out there. Are you really even marketable?

Tails frowns, So says a hedgehog! And need I remind you that some foxes have made it big in the industry, like Fox McCloud, and FOX HOUND, and.

Sonic shakes his finger, Look, man, I gotta get outta here since Im teaming up with Mario again for some other Olympic clusterfuck thingy. Ill make sure to speak up with Miyamoto and see if he can include you in that polka dance game theyre making with Luigi?

Tails eyes light up like the sun, Really? You mean it?

Sonic snickers, Nope.not really!

Sonic then speeds up again up a waterfall and vanishes in the blink of an eye. Tails is left all by himself, gloomy as ever.

Aw, fudge! I will always be that assholes sidekick! But hey, if Shadow can make it with a gun.

Tails then pulls out a sawed-off shotgun from out of nowhere, locks and loads.

Maybe I oughta go Columbine on Sonics ass! And maybe theyll even make a E True Hollywood Story out of me one day! WHATS GOOD?

Name: Miles Tails Prower
Sponsor: Remy Saotome
Origin: Sonic the Hedgehog 2
Games: Sonic series
Company: Sega
Won: –
Lost: Miss X
Fun fact: Tails real name (Miles Prower) is actually a play on the phrase miles per hour, going along with the whole speed motto going on in the Sonic series. Now isnt that a clever pun or what???!

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#81

Location: Eastern Air Temple

Located atop three mountains, the Eastern Air Temple resembles a secluded paradise with the vast vegetation that spreads within it, a waterfall flowing down a side of the temple, and with many female monks (known as Airbenders) walking around or training. In one of the corners of the temple, Aang, a young Airbender who happened to be frozen up for a whole century and just now was liberated to fulfill his destiny as an Avatar.

Today, though, that responsibility seems second place as Aang giggles as the female monks walk by.

Tee hee hee.look at those girls, Appa! Man, after watching some ugly old mugs for my first years, this amount of ass makes me hot in the pantsor should I say, robes?

Aangs pet flying bison, Appa, just moans out as it keeps eating some grass, uninterested in Aangs puberty rants. Aang just pouts as he keeps peeking through the hole.

Man, life as an Airbender isnt what its all cut out to be. They should give us less harsh training and more time to do whatever. I already KNOW I got kick ass powers inherited by God-knows-who. I could kick ass even without thinking about it! I should be more focused on practicing my human side, doncha think?

With a slight usage of his airbending sklls, Aang uses a small gust of wind to blow up the robes of the females that pass on by, revealing their panties, as Aang flashes his cocky grin, Even Katara would kill for a booty like that! If she would be more willing to part with such ass.

Yeah, I bet she would.

Aang quickly turns around, and realizes that Guru Pathik is now standing there watching Aangs childish antics, who instantly freezes in shock, AH! Errheh hehH-h-hi Guru Pathik! I was just.uh.practicing my skills for further encounters?

Pathik nods her head in a sarcastic way, I bet you didnow come with me, young Aang. Ill put you in penitence by making you go to the hot springs and watch some naked bodies.

Aang shrugs, That doesnt sound so bad.

Yeah, old wrinkled naked bodies, because were going to the retirement home. Brace yourself!

What?!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Aang begs Appa for help, but the flying bison would just keep eating grass, unaware of the fate of its master.

Name: Avatar Aang
Sponsor: Infernoman
Origin: Avatar The Last Airbender TV series
Games: Avatar The Last Airbender series, Nicktoons Nitro
Company: THQ, Raw Thrills
Won: –
Lost: Vic Viper
Fun fact: Although Aang is mostly based around the concepts of Buddhism and Taoism, the idea behind Aang came from a documentary regarding South Pole explorers, which made the creators think, There’s an air guy along with these water people trapped in a snowy wasteland…and maybe some fire people are pressing down on them… And so, the design for Aang began to flesh out into what we see today.

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#80

Location: Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

In the bustling Wachovia Center, the rowdy Philly crowd rallies behind the Philadelphia Sixers as they try to pull the rug from underneath the Eastern powerhouse, the Cleveland Cavaliers. The NBA megastar of today, Lebron James, runs down the court with the ball in his possession, almost as if he had it bound to him by some strange force, and when the young player makes his way to the basket, he is met halfway by Samuel Dalembert, who barely graces James hand, but the MVP thunders down to the ground as if hit by a lightning bolt.

The refs blow their whistles ordering a foul, and the crowd responds with a sound booing and hissing as James gets up the ground as if unfazed by the hit he just took. In attendance, a single man shakes his head at the whole spectacle: Sir Charles Barkley, a former star of this team who is just now trying to get their act together.

Man, players nowadays are all into that flopping shit. Bitches are pussies, I tell ya. Back in my day, we could basically deck a guy in the face and they would just call it our attention. Just ask Bill Laimbeer!

Not two minutes later, James once again attacks the rim, and is now met by Elton Brand, who even tries to step away from James charge, but once again the young prodigy falls head over heels, and again a foul is called against the Sixers. Barkley stands up enraged from his seat and shouts: THAT STUPID NIGGA FALLS DOWN WITH THE BREEZE! He should man up and take his shots like a MAN! Or what, yo momma isnt here to protest the fouls for ya, Bron?

James looks over at Barkley with a cold stare as the crowd roars in approval of Barkleys taunt. After James scores his two free throws, and runs back to his side of the court, James signals his third finger as if saying he will get the championship ring that eluded Barkley his whole career. Not the one without a short fuse, Barkley promptly rushes the court.

Oh no he just DIDNT!

As James turns around to face the Philly offensive, he is met by a different kind of offense as he gets decked by Barkley right in the face, and then thrown into the post for good measure. Barkley walks to the side of the court, nabs a glass of beer from one of the fans, and takes a sip from it.

UGH! Shit tastes like big salty nuts!

Saying that, Barkley splashes the beer in James face, and the crowd is going nuts! All the players stand in awe as they stand WITNESS.to Barkleys outrage. The refs blow their whistles as if in a parade, and signal for security to escort Barkley out of the building. Barkley goes up to the main ref, stares him down, and smiles.

If youre gonna eject me for something, how about something thats worth it.DAWG?

With that, Barkley headbutts the ref in the face, effectively knocking him out cold as Barkley is now taken ahold by about 4 security guards, as the crowd gives him a standing ovation as he winks at the camera.

And theres more from where that came from, homies!

Name: Charles Wade Barkley
Sponsor: Return of Shiki
Origin: Auburn University
Games: EA NBA series, NBA Jam, Barkley Shut Up and Jam! series
Company: EA Sports, Midway, Accolade
Won: –
Lost: Grey Gargoyle
Fun fact: When you gotta go. At last years New Years Eve, Barkley was arrested under a DUI conviction after he passed a stop sign, arguing he was in a hurry to receive oral sex from his female passenger. Well, at least you have to be honest about it!

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#8

#79

Location: Moscow, Russia

In one of the many pubs located in downtown Moscow, loads of already drunken people shout and dance to cossack music as everyone raises their glasses of vodka in celebration, but there is but one man who does not feel the same joy than the rest. He is a very tall and sturdy man who just sits at the counter, his cold stare looking just empty as he gazes at the wall, his blond hair in his usual buzzcut.

Hmph. Useless.

It was Ivan Drago, the reknown undefeated boxer who had once killed Apollo Creed with his bare hands in an exhibition match and was later defeated by Apollos friend, Rocky Balboa. Now that communism is but a faraway memory and everyone seems to have moved on with their lives, Dragos presence barely even seems to be noticed in these parts, as he grasps his beer bottle tightly.

Ragerising.

As Drago absently turns his head to the left, and notices a peculiarly pink-skinned baldy sitting right next to him. America knows him as Soda Popinski, but Russia has always known him as Vodka Drukenski. This egghead laughs out quite uniquely as he looks at Drago.

Well, whaddya know? If it isnt the once glorious Ivan Drago! How are things going after your first and only loss? Quite the downfall, eh?

Drago sneers at Popinski as he takes another swag from the beer bottle, but keeps getting hassled by the annoying Popinski, who pats his shoulder rather hard, Hey, comrade! Dont be a stranger! Look at me! I got my name changed to cater to young American kids, claiming I drank soda pop! Fancy that! Me, the great Vodka Drunkenski, drinking simple cola! What a tremendous outrage!

Drago simply mutters, I vill break you.

Without doing too much wind-up, Drago punches Popinski who sails across the bar and gets smashed against a table which falls into shambles, but barely anybody notices this incident as everyone seems to be enjoying themselves at the expense of everything else. Drago now looks back and focuses on the usual golf arcade game that always appears at bars worldwide.

You vill lose.

Drago gets up from his stool, and heads towards the golf game, determined to make his legacy shine once more! Even if it is for just a match of skins.

Name: Ivan Drago
Sponsor: Ibanezninja
Origin: Rocky IV film
Games: Rocky, Rocky Legends
Company: Sega, Ubisoft
Won: –
Lost: Alex
Fun fact: There is a Michigan heavy metal band named If He Dies He Dies, inspired by Ivan Dragos famous line when he kills Apollo Creed in the ring.

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#78

Location: The Scrapyard

Down in the Scrapyard, a proverbial slum built out of scrap heap and junk directly beneath the sky city of Tiphares, life could be a tough burden for anyone who lives in this dump where no law is followed more than the usual the strong will survive, the weak shall perish archetype. In one of the many restoration shops, the scientist Daisuke Ido, an old resident of Tiphares fallen into disgrace, is absorbed in work restoring a small maintenance robot, as his surrogate foster daughter, the cyborg Alita, watches the sky city from the window.

I wonder whats up thereyou know, is it certainly better than what we have down here?

Ido absently responds, Yeah, I guess you can say that. If you dont count the politics and running ambitions, that is.

Alita turns around and smiles, I think I wanna go up there some day.

Ido drops his wrench as he gazes at Alita, Dont worryyour destiny is closely linked with Tiphares. Im sure your paths will cross in the near future.

Alita pouts with her usual octopus lips, Theres one thing I dont understand, though

Whats that?

Alita sticks her chest out, Why would you give me these small boobies? I wanted to be portrayed as a full-blossomed sexy lady, not some lolita which every pervert can go gaga over!

Ido almost loses his balance at the comment, Uhhhhwhat? H-hey, those were the only parts I had at hand, so be grateful I put you on that body and not on a rundown blender as originally intended!

Alita crosses her arms and huffs, You have NO idea what a woman wants. I guess thats why youre stuck here in this rundown pawn shop!

Ido once again sinks his head into his work, YeahI get that a lot.

Name: Alita (Gally in Japan)
Sponsor: angelpalm
Origin: Battle Angel Alita manga/anime
Games: Gunnm Martian Memory
Company: Banpresto
Won: –
Lost: Crimson Viper
Fun fact: As some sort of an inside joke, Alita is usually referred to (or lampooned within the manga) as octopus lips, due to her pouty expression that makes her pucker her lips.

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#77

Location: Water 7

At the Blue Station, where ships mostly dock on this island, a man clad in black clothing and a distinguishable cap sits atop some crates drinking some whiskey from a small glass as he absently looks around underneath his caps rim. This man, who hides himself under the guise of a shipwright, is actually a member of CP9, a group of assassins working for the World Government.

As Kaku takes a small sip from his glass, he feels like spitting it all over the ground when he hears a deep voice booming from behind, Slacking off during work? Thats not good business if I do reckon.

Kaku quickly hides his glass and the flask with the booze, but as it turns out, the sonore laughter that quickly follows can only mean that one person is behind all this.

Blueno, cut it out! You know we cant be seen together. Theyll start to suspect, man!

A rather large, yet apparently calm man walks into Kakus presence, his hairstyle resembling big bull horns, as he delivers another flask to Kaku, I heard your booze stash has been growing quite slim lately, so I passed on by to replenish you and see how stuff was hanging along.

Kaku shrugs, Nah, nothing much. Still waiting on that order to seize the Pluto blueprint and get that ho, Nico Robin. Man, the mere thought of it makes my blood BOIIIIILLL!

Blueno notices something about Kaku, but barely flinches an eyebrow as he mutters along, Hmmmmwell, just try to stay low for a bit, OK? And rememberwith your alternate identity, you cant really pass unnoticed, you got that?

Kaku sneers, Yeah, yeah, you dont have to remind me all the time! And dont you dare make fun of it! Being a giraffe happens to be very, very sexy, if you ask me. That long neck makes the ladies look at YOU!

Blueno rolls his eyes and sighs, Yeah, I bet. Just.dont act too weird when you do so, OK?

Blueno then walks away and waves at Kaku, who remains puzzled, What does that big lug want anyway? Anyways, his alcohol is surely the good stuff! MmmmI cant get enough of this after all the cheap stuff they give me around here.

Kaku then notices how some ongoers look at him weird and virtually run the hell out of there as soon as they catch a glimpse of the secluded Kaku. It was not until later that Kaku realized he had inadvertingly morphed into his giraffe form while speaking with Blueno, and everyone was watching a giraffe man drinking some booze. All in a days work!

Name: Kaku
Sponsor: The Damned
Origin: One Piece manga/anime
Games: One Piece series
Company: Bandai
Won: –
Lost: Minato Arisato
Fun fact: Although he is merely 23 years old, Kaku likes to end his sentences with the suffix -ja, which is a characteristic of old people.

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#76

Location: Kiev, Ukraine

Inside an abandoned factory in the outskirts of Kiev, once again our hero, secret agent James Bond is in a tight bind being tied to a metal bed, and with a deadly laser cannon looming over his bodywhich, by the way, does not display his signature tuxedo, but is rather left with only a thong, as Bond sadly comments even while keeping his cool.

I can tell this bed is pretty cold., Bond replies with a gloom as he watches his now less-endowed crotch.

In a room right next to the one where Bond is, a generic evil warlord who wears a generic silver jumpsuit and has a bionic eye, laughs out mockingly at the sight of his sworn enemy tied up to his soon-to-be death bed, Gyah hah hah! Greetings, Mr. Bond! Seeing as you ALWAYS seem to have a trick up your sleeves, I decided to remove you of such minutiaeas well as everything else! That way, you can NEVER escape your inescapable fate! MWA HA HA HA HA HA!

One of the bad guys generic soldiers asks casually, Ummm, so why didnt you remove his undies as well, sir?

The evil villain slams his fist against a table, FOOL! What do you think I am, some gay pervert? I have NO NEED to see Mr. Bonds private parts! Now, if YOU are so eager to see his family jewels, be my guest, you helpless faggot!

The soldier lowers his head in a sound depression, Man, I was just saying.

Meanwhile, Bond smiles even in the light that the laser cannons beam is still slowly tracing up the metal bed in between his legs, By the heavens, why do they always make these laser beams so bloody slow? If it were faster, I would have probably gone down with a bad case of split personality.

But in that moment, a laser beam of his own shoots from Bonds crotch and destroys the laser cannon! He also aims for the cuffs binding him down, and they pop open quite easily as Bond jumps to his feet and fixes his hair.

If, that is.

The soldier seems strangely glad at this odd turn of events, See? I told you so!

The generic villain makes a rant and stomps his leg, FOOLS! Get after him! I want his head on a platter!

The few soldiers who are escorting the evildoer leap into action, but Bond does a quick number out of all of them with a little help of some weird pelvic thrusts that accompany each laser shot coming out of his crotch. After doing them away, Bond enters the room where the villain is now cowering in fear.

Howhowcould you?

Spare me the small talk, chap. Just tell me where my tuxedo is, and I might spare the thought of using this little gadget for some other interesting purposes.

The megalomaniac quickly points out a small closet where Bonds tuxedo is being stashed away before being captured. A few minutes later, Bond comes out of the building fixing his neck tie and slowly walks away, the whole factory going up in flames. Unfazed by the chaos going on behind him, Bond contacts someone via his radio watch.

Qyou sure did a number with that secret weapon of yours. Just next time, dont make it so bloody tight on the tool. My ladies would weep at such a loss!

Name: James Bond
Sponsor: Evilsamurai
Origin: Casino Royale novel
Games: James Bond series
Company: Parker Brothers, Domark, Interplay, Nintendo, Electronic Arts, Activision
Won: –
Lost: Guile
Fun fact: James Bond, was named after an American ornithologist, a Caribbean bird expert and author of the definitive field guide book Birds of the West Indies. Fleming, a keen birdwatcher, had a copy of Bond’s field guide at Goldeneye. Of the name, Fleming once said in a Reader’s Digest interview, “I wanted the simplest, dullest, plainest-sounding name I could find, ‘James Bond’ was much better than something more interesting, like ‘Peregrine Carruthers.’ Exotic things would happen to and around him, but he would be a neutral figure an anonymous, blunt instrument wielded by a government department.”

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#75

Location: Megalopolis

In this huge city, lined with skyscrapers and apartment buildings, the streets are bustling with activity as hundreds of citizens walk down the sidewalks, each carrying their own conversation, and several cars pack the streets in a small traffic jam. One of said people walking down these streets is a young, well-built man who wears a bandanna and looks like he was warped out of the 80s.

I guess peace really HAS came to stay, doncha think?

This man, a former cop on the force named Axel Stone, comments this to his partner, a sexy yet tough lady called Blaze Fielding, who seems to be caught off-guard by Axels comments.

Huh? Are you being nostalgic again, Axel? I thought we were already past that stage when we beat Mr. Xs ass for like.the 8th time? Its kinda hard to keep track when you beat such a generic bad guys ass like that.

Axel scratches his head, making him look uncomfortable, Yeah, butback then Blaze, we were literally GODS! Police wouldnt EVER do shit, and all these hapless citizens had was us cleaning up the streets for them, wave after wave of nameless thugs just waiting to get beaten up like an Asian slave monger.

Blaze tilts her head a bit, I suppose youre rightyou know, back when beat-em-up games were actually worth a dime? I heard Metro City was pretty busy back then, too, but hey, WE had some kickass music and some neat combinations, eh?

Axel lets out a deep sigh as he is looking rather gloomy, Ahhh yesI always seem to practice my Grand Upper every now and then. Damn, that punch kicked ass. It was like an improved version of a donkey punch, but actually lethal! Oh, I miss those days.

Axel takes a look at the people around, and all of a sudden, he feels something snap within him, HOT DAMN, I cant take this anymore! All I see is droves of enemies coming to get me! I must release this tension, NOW!

Without saying anything more, Axel just instantly punches the first person who crosses by, as Axel screams out loud while performing the punch and looking all menacing as he finished. Some people stop their walk and look at Axel with horrified looks, as Blaze stops, looks down, and shakes her head.

AxelI REALLY understand your grief, believe me. But.Can you tell me WHY did you have to deck a blind one-legged old woman?

Axel immediately looks down, and true indeed, an old lady appeared quivering on the floor, as Axel holds his breath in shock.

I never realized it, I swear!

A deeo monotone voice sounds behind Axel, Getting in trouble again, Axel?

Axel and Blaze turn around to see their old friend Adam Hunter standing before them, who has his arms crossed and is looking rather menacing.

Ohhi, Adam! How has life on the force been treating you?

Pretty good, they even gave us social security now! But Im afraid YOURS is a different story, Axel. Youre gonna have to accompany me down to the station.

Aw, cmon Adam, cant you just overlook this tiny incident?

Wish I could, Axel, but last week you clocked a 7-year old boy, a Mormon, and a mime. You REALLY need some time under the shadow to cleanse your thoughts.

HEY! Im the white guy here and youre the black guy.WHEN DID THINGS GO WRONG AROUND HERE?

Axel is escorted to the police car, still trying to give some explanations, as Blaze just covers her face in shame.

Name: Axel Stone
Sponsor: Ephidel
Origin: Streets of Rage
Games: Streets of Rage series
Company: Sega
Won: –
Lost: Megaman
Fun fact: Axel obviously bears some striking resemblances to famous rocker Axel Rose, lead singer of the band Guns N Roses.

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#9

#74

Location: Antilia

In a Orbital Frame factory located in an industrial area in the Antilia region, the general of BAHRAM, Nohman, stands full of pride before his own pride and joy, the legendary Orbital Frame, Anubis, as it is stranded in a maintenance duct for some minor repairs and refueling. He is approached by one of his subordinates, the ever-so-gloomy Viola, who looks up at Anubis with some disdain.

I dont see what all the fuzz is about this Orbital Frame, sir. It just looks like a run-of-the-mill mech to me, as a matter of fact.

Nohman chuckles, And that is where you are wrong, my precious soldier. After all the clean-up is due, this Orbital Frame will kick so much ass, all the other Orbital Frames will be shitting out of their MOUTHS once this beauty is done with them.

Butcan it stand its own against Jehuty?

Nohmans joyful expression turns into a soured sneer, What about it?

Well, it IS pretty powerful, and a sentinent Frame, and the pilot isnt too shabby either, and.

Alright, ENOUGH! That is just about all the kissing up I can tolerate. That little punk and that smartass A.I. is NOTHING compared to what Anubis can do. Its sheer power and amazing abilities are enough to compensate for whatever disturbing understanding those two freaks can have.

Viola looks at Nohman with some concern, Soare plans still on for our next invasion?

Nohman puts his hands behind his back and nods, Indeed, they are. Get your Frame ready, my little Viola. Well be hunting down and conquering some planets better than any Imperial or Saiyajin can ever do! Not get a move on!

Viola nods, bows, and takes her leave, as Nohman rubs his chin, I wonder if I can pimp this thing up with some nice speakers and a DVD player.

Name: Anubis
Sponsor: Septimus Prime
Origin: Zone of the Enders
Games: Zone of the Enders series
Company: Konami
Won: –
Lost: Space Godzilla
Fun fact: Once considered the most powerful Orbital Frame in the Z.O.E. universe, Anubis played a pivotal role in the first Z.O.E. and its true power is shown by the time the sequel rolls around, making it quite the menacing figure.

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#73

Location: Planet Veldin

Nearby the house of the intrepid mechanic Ratchet, the young Lombax works on his spaceship, as the tiny robot Clank is deep into reading some sort of magazine as Ratchet tinkers with his ship.

Say, what you got there, old buddy?

Huh? Oh well, just a magazine featuring the Top 100 Robots. They also had the Top 100 Lesbians Who Were Most Likely To Do Threesomes last month, but I supposed I missed out on that, but THIS seems to be a lot more interesting for me, at least.

Sowhat does it say?

Well, it has such personalities like C-3PO, the Terminator, Bender, Sentinel, but most of all, its got this sexy beast, Optimus Prime on the cover! Damn, I wish I could see him again in the next Heaven Clash tournament, our time together was soooo damn short.

Ratchet picks up a wrench and gets back to work, Well, what did you talk about with the guy?

Nothing much. I only kept admiring how he could be able to talk so smoothly over that bothering mouthpiece of his. Hey, do you think I could become an awesome Transformer some day?

Ratchet peeks over the side of the ship, Huh? Arent you happy with the current enhancements you have? You are pretty much a walking arsenal by now. What makes those guys so damn cool?

Clank blows out some fumes (literally), Are you kidding me?! Those guys can transform into some pretty slick shit! They even defy the laws of physics! Megatron could transform from a huge robot into a small gun that can fit into the palm of your hand! I can onlyget bigand stuff.

Ratchet now grabs a screwdriver, and points it at Clank, You worry too much about the image, pal. Have you ever heard about the whole thing about Good things come in small.

At that moment, Ratchet hears a pretty sickening clash and screeching sound, and when he immediately looks back, he sees that Clank has tried to transform himself intosomething, but has turned out pretty sour and now has no shape whatsoever.

Ratchet shakes his head, So what are YOU supposed to be?

I dunnoa 32X?

Name: Clank
Sponsor: Remy Saotome
Origin: Ratchet & Clank
Games: Ratchet & Clank series, Secret Agent Clank
Company: Insomniac Games, High Impact Games
Won: –
Lost: Pikachu
Fun fact: In the Resistance series, you can earn Clanks backpack by achieving certain objectives that vary from each game. The first Resistance also has Clank as an unblockable bangle for use in online multiplayer mode.

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#72

Location: Tbilisi, Georgia

In the middle of God-knows-where amidst this random ex-Soviet country, theres a hidden meeting going on in an underground base deep within a secluded forest. Inside these underground facilities are a bunch of reknown personalities in the fighting worldexcept different. For these are the ALTERNATE versions of fighting characters that no one really asked for!

Being the best out of the bunch, Shin Akuma stands up at the round table amidst the other characters and clears his voice (which was quite the impossible task) before addressing the rest of the group.

Ladies and gents, we are gathered here today to speak about the rightfully position we have earned in fighting games throughout the eras! We want the fighting game universe to recognize our importance despite the fact that most of us consider to be cheap sprite swaps. What the fuck is that all about? WE HAVE FEELINGS, TOO! And we can kick ass with the best of them!

Shadow Charlie crosses his arms, and after 3 minutes, his eye glimmers, See what I did there? Yeahno. I hate being perpetually stuck in this dark shade!

Right next to him, Shadow Lady nods, and a missile just fires out of the back of her head, and makes some wall explode in the distance, This isnt doing jack for my sexy reputation with the horny fanboys. How am I LOGICALLY composed to fire missiles and create drills out of my hands? That makes no sense!

Riot of Blood Iori and Leona just sit there with their heads lowered mumbling nonsense and looking around eratically like some stray dogs. Orange Hulk just looks terribly pissed as he smashes a chair with his pinky finger, They just gave me a shitty color and try to pass me on as quicker. WTF, I dont even have my normal versions Super Armor, what is Hulk without Super Armor? A damn pussy is what he is!

Mephisto crosses his arms and nods as some of his pet demons flutter around him, Everybody thinks Im Mephistobut Im just Blackheart with a new purple color of sorts. I dont even have any new features to me!

Red Venom slams his fist on the table, leaving afterimages trailing behind his arm, I fuckin HATE people calling me Carnage! Fuck that psycho asshole! I may be broken, but I take hits like a bitch!

Evil Ryu just sits there looking depressed or something as he looks at his fist, Wheeeesomeone found it quite funny to give me a tan and some of Akumas moves. Satsui no Hado is SOOOO much fun.NOT!

Dark Sakura is sitting right next to him and just rests her head on her hand, You have it nice. I just get to be called Sunburned. It wasnt MY fault that I fell asleep at the tanning bed!

Suddenly, one of the walls crumble into shambles as everyone looks back, and the huge mighty Zangief, now with jet black skin and some creepy red eyes, stomps into the scene, flexing his iron muscles, I AM THE REEEEED CYCLONE!

Human Smoke shakes his smoke around, and takes a peek, Holy crap, Gief is on some wacky vodka again!

Mega Zangief opens his mouth, and a cloud of blue flame spews forth as the whole room seems to catch fire and everyone runs about in shock. Gief then grabs poor Special Colored Sakura and piledrives her. He nabs EX Kyo and headbutts his face in! He then suplexes Masked Sub Zero right into a table!

As chaos and carnage ensue, EX Rikuo just kind of sulks in the corner, The only thing I have is a super which happens to be my old low Fierce.

Name: Mega Zangief
Sponsor: Wolfkiller
Origin: Marvel Super Heroes vs. Street Fighter
Games: Vs. series, SNK vs. Capcom: Card Fighters Clash series
Company: Capcom, SNK
Won: –
Lost: Mike Haggar
Fun fact: The inability for Mega Zangief to block! I mean, I know this makes him some sort of unstoppable powerhouse, but if he goes up against some beam-happy opponent, I dont see how he could last for long.

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#71

Location: Amazon Jungle, Brazil

In the hot, humid depths of the vast Amazon Jungle, amidst the dense vegetation of the habitat, the beast Blanka scurried among the bushes and leaves, between snakes and spiders alike, looking rather refreshed and liberated, seeing as this was his homeplace for so many years after his plane crashed as he was a little boy. Despite having tasted the civilized world more than once, the jungle still held a place deep in his heart, and he just loved hanging around in the jungle.

That is, until Blanka unsuspectedly gets caught in a net out of nowhere that presses Blanka against a tree, and the net itself starts to press really hard on Blankas body, threatening to slice and dice Blanka into little green cubes. Fortunately for Blanka, his sharp teeth and claws does the trick on this odd net, but that is just the beginning of Blankas worries.

Suddenly, Blanka has to dodge some plasma bullets coming out of nowhere that literally torch everything it comes into contact with. He hops and dashes for as much as he can possibly remember, until he feels a sudden choke on his neck, again with nothing before him that would cause such an effect. When Blanka tries to claw himself out, he definetly feels hes hitting something, and more sooner than later, a humanoid creature emerges from thin air, electricity running all over its body, covered with some sort of special helm.

In a move out of despair, Blanka just swats the mask right offwhich reveals a pretty ugly reptilian face with four jaws. This is the Predator, a hunter from outer space in search for the perfect game for him to hunt. Needless to say, the Predator has Blanka in quite a predicamente here…

Uwoo woo whoo wha who waaaa (Damn! And I thought I was uglywho the fuck is this vagina face?)

The Predator definetly seems more pissed with his helm off for reason, and now screams out loud, which means, Hey, dickhead! You know what its like to live with a face like this? My other Predator comprade wanted a piece of that black chicks ass in AvP, but instead she just blew him off. What a tragedy our life is, merely dedicated to the hunt!!

Blanka sees that the Predator is rambling on some nonsense he cant really understand, so he once again makes an attempt to break free of the Predators grasp, and unintentionally activates something on his wristguard, and some red symbols start appearing on it, which the Predator notices and is apparently shocked about. Blanka notices some sort of rhythm to the sounds emanating from the contraption, as both beasts look at each other and mutter at the same time.

AW CRAP!

A mushroom cloud covers up a better portion of the Amazon Jungle, as swarms of birds just fly off from the trees into the distance. Nothing better than carrying your own time nuclear bomb with you!

Name: Predator Warrior
Sponsor: Diek Stiekem
Origin: Predator film
Games: Predator series, Alien vs. Predator series
Company: Activision, Konami, Capcom, Atari, FOX Interactive, Superscape, Eurocom, Rebellion
Won: –
Lost: Samus Aran
Fun fact: Jean Claude Van Damme was scheduled to be the Predator during the first film, and even some shots were filmed with Van Damme as the Predator. However, Van Damme was eventually dropped (with some alleged charges that he injured a stunt double), and the role was taken up by Kevin Peter Hall.

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#70

Location: Tokyo-3

Walking down the somewhat deserted streets of Tokyo-3 (a rebuilding of the original Tokyo, which had been totally destroyed during the events of the Second Impact), Rei Ayanami, the emotionless girl, and Shinji Ikari, the ever-so-shy young man. Since Rei is introverted like any social outcast, and Shinjis knees always seem to tremble when trying to talk to someone, both teenagers rather take licks at their ice creams, not muttering a single word.

Finally, Shinji, noticing the deep tension between the two, decides to break the ice, Uhhhhheh hehummm.nice day we got here, eh? No crazy Angel attacks, no city going totally bonkers, no mech trashingI suppose its all good, right Rei?

Rei doesnt even bother to turn around to dignify a reply, so Shinji just feels flabbergasted and turns right back, lowering his head.

I meanI just wish my father would just stop this war mongering nonsense. Hes always been so absorbed into making these EVAs and trying to ponder the existence of humankind itself. We are not his toys to be played around with! I hate him for not giving my mother and I the sufficient attention! I hate him for

At that moment, the only thing Shinji feels is a direct slap to the face, and falls frail like a leaf to the ground, his ice cream splattering all over the concrete. Shinji just trembles as he looks up at Rei standing all angry over him.

Yougrow a set of balls.

Huh?

And with that said, Rei delivers a nice swift kick to Shinjis crotch, who now just rolls on the ground like a wounded dog, holding his family jewels, as Rei slowly walks away.

What a pussy…, Rei whispers as a unfamiliar grin runs through her mouth.

Name: Rei Ayanami
Sponsor: cain[e]
Origin: Neon Genesis Evangelion manga/anime
Games: Neon Genesis Evangelion series
Company: Gainax, Bandai
Won: –
Lost: Saya
Fun fact: Rei is said to be made out of the salvaged remains of Shinji Ikaris mother, Yui Ikari after she was absorbed by Unit-01. This is further implied later in the series when Shinji notices Reis motherly attitudes towards him, and his fathers constant attempts to manipulate her, just as he tried to manipulate Yui.

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#10

#69

Location: Tohno Mansion

The full moon slowly rises atop the dark night sky, shining everything with its enchanting light as it illuminates the shady Tohno Mansion, a mostly Western-style residence that resembles an old European mansion of back in the day. In one of the secluded rooms of the mansion, a tall, good-looking young man with wavy hair and sporting a pair of small glasses enters the dark room, unfazed by all the darkness that surrounds. This man, Michael Roa Valdamjong, is a dark being who switches body rather often to see who can be his next host.

Roa then notices a small, black dog, covered entirely in a jet black color, almost as if it was a shadow itself, sporting some glowing red eyes run straight toward him. Despite its fearsome appearance, the dog playfully approaches Roa, who fiddles with the dog almost as if they had known each other for years.

Still playing the man of many pets, eh Fabro?

Roa calls out to someone in the dark, and surprisingly enough, Roa finds an answer in the void.

Yeah, well, having so many souls of so many creatures inside my body, its pretty tough to keep control of all of them.

A tall, thin young man walks out of the shadows, his hands tucked inside what seems to be a typical Japanese male school uniform, smiling at Roa. At that moment a flying black duck just jets past Roas eyes, as he looks puzzled, Whoayoure not kidding. I certainly hope you can get this whole creature thing controlled by the time we decided to take Shiki down so I can gain possession of his body and control the world!

By that time, a black giraffe also walks by, and by now, Roa is getting pretty freaked out at the reaches of Neros power, who crosses his arms and frowns, You know, its still ass that the Church decided to give me such a hard-to-spell name. Why couldnt they just name me Vampire no. 9 and be done with it?

Roa speaks after catching what seems to be some black monkeys out of the corner of his eye, Look, my old friend, even though you seem to be like the dark version of Noahs Ark all rolled into one, you cant use this room as your personal zoo! People are bound to find out about our little scheme going on here!

Some black penguins start waddling all over the place as Nero shrugs, Hey, alchemy is bound to do this shit at you. YOU try to domesticate over 300 beasts. Not even that crocodile dude could control so many animals! Just give me some more time to work on it, OK?

Before Roa walks out, he turns around and whispers, They dontyou knowdrop shadow dookie bombs every once in a while?

A shadow elephant walks by and makes its loud distinctive sound as Nero winks, You have NO idea!

Name: Nrvnqsr Chaos
Sponsor: Warpticon
Origin: Tsukihime
Games: Melty Blood series
Company: TYPE-MOON
Won: –
Lost: Olan Durai
Fun fact: His name is supposedly pronounced as Nero, and was given to him by the Church as a play on the word Gematria, a system which assigns a numerical value to the alphabet.

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#68

Location: San Dimas, California

At a simple garage in the suburbs of San Dimas, some loud and incoherent music can be heard blaring out of some improvised speakers that is disturbing at best. Bill S. Preston and Ted Logan practice their somewhat lacking heavy metal skills by grinding on their electric guitars with little degree of success, only in making some rambling noise and hurting some eardrums in the process. After certain pieces, the grungey duo just screams and woos for shits and giggles.

YEAAAAAAAAH! Thats what I call some radical tune, dude!, Bill screams out while doing the horns sign with his hand.

FAR OUT DUDE!, Ted says while doing some headbanging. I think we got some bodacious future in store with the Wyld Stallyns and all, brother!

Oh man, ya think so, dude?

Nah, not really, Ted says as he calmly puts down his guitar. I am gonna go ahead and make some serious history by making the Matrix trilogy, dude! Youll justfade into obscurity and be some wack actor of sorts, man.

Bill looks puzzled, even moreso, Huh? Where did you find this out, dude?

Back when we were travelling in that phone booth time machine, man! Dude, it was totally awesome! I changed this surfer lingo of mine to some monochromatic robot voice and somehow Ill be the BOMB, dude!

Bill opens his mouth in awe, Yo, man! And what was I doing all that time?

You were directing some rather bogus Ben 10 TV movie, dude. NOT COOL!

Ben 10? Man, that shit is totally bogus. Wheres my stash of weed?

Ted winks and flashes the thumbs-up, Before that time comes, hook me up with the green, DUDE!

Name: Ted Theodore Logan
Sponsor: Evilsamurai
Origin: Bill & Teds Excellent Adventure film
Games: Bill & Teds Excellent Adventure adaptations
Company: LJN, Atari, Capstone
Won: –
Lost: Mr. Saturn
Fun fact: In the sequel Bill & Teds Bogus Journey, when asked what the meaning of life is, Bill & Ted reply with the lyrics of Every Rose Has Its Thorn by Poison

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#67

Location: San Salvador, El Salvador

In the hot and humid heat of this Central American jungle, a small column of smoke rises from the treetops, revealing that a small bonfire has been made in one of the clearings. Rightfully so, in an abandoned village deep within the jungle, two single soldiers have remained, cooking up a meal in the middle of the rural setting. One is a slender female with a long brown ponytail and slightly armored. The other individual is a rather robust man, who carries a bionic arm that seems to be carrying quite a wallop. It is Lt. Linn Kurosawa and Major Dutch Schaefer taking a break from their current mission.

Kurosawa mildly asks as she scrambles some of the snake meat on the frying pan, Sir? Shouldnt we quench the smoke so we dont reveal our location to the enemy?

Dutch just takes a swag out of his cigar, Dont vorry, Lieutenant. Not ah soul remains in de vicinity that can catch vind of us. Not anyvun smart, that is.

Kurosawa smiles as she bites some of the meat off a stick, Always the man with the plan, eh Major? I always wondered where you got that weird accent?

Vhy do you ask?

I dunnoit just springs to my attention everytime you talk.

Dutch unloads some burnt bullets from the clips in his bionic arm, You knov vhat dey say. Real men are not defined by their vords, but their actions. Havent I kicked enuff butt to ensure some respect around here?

Oh, no doubt, Major! I just miss your one-liners, I guess.

Dutch meditates for a while, and then picks up a discarded gun that probably belonged to some of the locals before they ditched this place, Heat seekers. Pretty sophisticated for ah bunch of half-assed mountain boys.

Kurosawa seems alerted by this statement, Huh? You mean that something is cooking up behind the curtains again?

Dutch stands up and throws his cigar away, Vhy not? Aliens, robots, terrorists, lavyersYou knov hov dis goes. Same old, same old

Kurosawa also stands up and stretches herself, I guess I do. So, do you think we can deal with this menace alone this time?

Dutch locks and loads his bionic arm, If eet bleeds, ve can kill eet.

And so, Dutch and Kurosawa begin their mission again. Hopefully, they will be able to get to the chopper at the end!

Name: Major Alan Dutch Schaefer
Sponsor: Diek Stiekem
Origin: Predator film
Games: Predator, Alien vs. Predator
Company: Activision, Capcom
Won: –
Lost: Abraham Lincoln
Fun fact: Arnolds quote of GO! GET TO THE CHOPPER! has often been lampooned and is often used by Scott Van Pelt during the broadcasts of ESPNs Sportscenter, especially during baseball commentary

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#66

Location: Zephillia

In a small cabin located within the village of Zephillia, Lina Inverse, the reknown Bandit Killer, is having a merry time counting the loot she had just recovered from some thieves up in the mountain range. Sitting in one corner of the room is Naga the Serpent, Linas rival in magic and at the same time, a close friend, so to speak. Linas eyes are literally sparkling at the sight of so much gold, but Naga seems hesitant.

Are you sure we shouldnt return these belongings to their rightful owners?

Linas expression of joy quickly turns into one of annoyance, How many times must I tell you, Naga? This is more like a donationa generous contribution to our cause, a cause to save the world of yet more evil criminals and dark magicians!

Naga touches her chin conspicuously, So that means we will return these goods someday?

Errrr.yeah, something like that.

Great! For starters, have you ever considered doing yourself a boob job?

Lina feels as if a dagger pierced her heart with the quickness of a lightning bolt, Uhe-excuse me?

Yeah, cuz you got a LOOOOONG way to go before you can compete with THESE bad babies right here!, Naga claims as she shakes her breasts in a rather playful manner. This flabbergasts Lina to no end.

No way! Get outta here with that stuff! Men dont pay attention to breast size, anyway!

Naga laughs out mockingly, Yeah, you keep telling yourself that, girl, and someday, it just might be true!

Suddenly, a villager barges into the cabin, peeking from the edge of the door, Errrr.miss Inverse?

Lina furiously turns around, her eyes ignited in a blazing rage, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT? Cant you just knock first?! Or must I totally burn you down to smithereens!?!

The nervous villager now almost totally hides behind the door, IIm sorry, miss! But it seems your sister Luna is looking for you!

Linas angry expression quickly turns into one of fear, W-w-whaaaa? Luna is looking for ME?! Oh, God, I gotta get out of here. Catch you guys later!

With a instant finger snapping, Lina conjures up a jetpack on her back, and totally flies off into the distance, as Naga blinks in amazement.

And she even left all the loot here. Such a shame!, Naga giggles as she begins to shove all the treasure into a bag.

Name: Lina Inverse
Sponsor: angelpalm
Origin: Slayers manga/anime
Games: Slayers Royal, Slayers Wonderful
Company: Kadokawa Shoten, Banpresto
Won: –
Lost: Felicia
Fun fact: In the custom map Scenario Defense of the Ancients in the computer game Warcraft 3 one of the playable heroes is modeled after Lina Inverse with many of her moves such as the Dragon Slave and the Laguna Blade.

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#65

Location: Freighter Atlantis

In the cargo docks of the huge freighter Atlantis, the reluctant pilot, Leo Stenbuck, sits down and chills out at the cockpit of a Orbital Frame called Jehuty. The way they met could easily be seen as a fluke of destiny, but even though they spend a lot of time working in conjunction against the forces of BAHRAM, even in their spare time, they find it hard to separate from each other.

Leo is eating some fruit when A.D.A. (Jehutys self-aware A.I.) blares through the speakers, You better not drop any seeds on the seats. This is high-quality paint job, if you know what Im sayin.

Leo nods as he throws one of the eaten fruits out of the cockpit, Geez, dont act all butthurt. You know, for a computer A.I., you sure do bitch a lot. Are you sure they didnt insert some female personality in your programming?

A.D.A. calmly replies, Stop rambling like a macho. We need to get this done with so we can get to Mars, penetrate the Aumaan fortress, and achieve my mission.

Leo lies back, Geez, relax for a bit, will ya? All you machines think about is achieving your missions. Just chill! Well be at Mars in no time. These space cruisers make travelling so damn easy.

War will not wait to claim more victims.

Indeed, but if we rush this, we might just be running into a trap, and well be as good as canned tuna. And we dont want THAT to happen either, now do we?

Why so concerned all of a sudden?

Leo scratches his head lazily, Well, lets say Ive grown more attached to you than I do with my other appliances. I had a nice relationship with my microwave once, but ever since I forgot my spoon in my frozen dishwell, lets say that the experience was SHOCKING, to say the least.

My, to be compared with a microwavethat would almost be flattering if it werent so dumb.

A red alarm blares through the whole docks as lots of pilots rush to their combat positions. It seems an enemy attack is in turn barely approaching Mars. Leo sits up straight again, and activates some controls in the panel, Seems like the welcoming committee has arrived. Arent you glad we came to Mars already?

Indeed, but there is still some work to do.

Leo smiles as the cockpit door closes and Jehuty rockets itself into the heat of battle once more.

Name: Jehuty (A.D.A.)
Sponsor: Septimus Prime
Origin: Zone of the Enders
Games: Zone of the Enders series
Company: Konami
Won: –
Lost: Amuro Ray
Fun fact: The name of Jehuty, just like Anubis, seems to stem from an ancient Egyptian god, possibly a combination between Djehuty (considered the heart and tongue of the main Egyptian god Ra) and Andjety (precursor of Osiris).

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#11

#64

Location: Siberia, Russia

In the freezing snowy plains of Siberia, the blizzard falls mercilessly on the gray background and the cold pierces to the bone. Amidst a dried-up forest, the fearless wrestler Zangief goes ahead with his training by wrestling down a bear while STILL wearing nothing but some briefs and wrestling boots. After he piledrives the bear down to the ground, Zangief flexes in celebration, but his training partner, Rainbow Mika, doesnt seem to share his enthusiasm, being wrapped in over 20 coats and looking more like a burrito than a wrestler.

WWow, Mr. Zangief! Your strength has ggotten over incredible levels! Iis this the training you went through to be so good at SF IV?

Zangief flashes a pearl-white grin, but then scratches his cheek in confusion, I really dunnoI mean, my grappling skills are still as fine-tuned as ever, and having that Ultra FAB was pretty neat, but who wouldve thought my freakin LARIAT would be such a resorted weapon of mine? I mean, what were the odds, eh?

Mika takes a look at her behind, Hmmmmaybe if I train my ass a bit more, it can also become a real fearsome weapon in some of those online SF IV patches?

Zangief gives Mika the thumbs-up, Definetly! You have a nice ass going on there, kid! Fuck those gay rumors about me, that booty is fine as hell, girl!

Mikas eyes lighten up like a shooting star, R—Really? Geez, thanks Mr. Zangief!

Zangief winks, Now, how about we make a bonfire and get cozy, eh honey bee?

In that moment, a bear wearing a ranger hat pops out from behind a tree, And rememberonly YOU can prevent forest fire—

Before he can keep on talking, Zangiefs buggy eyes open wide, and he just turns around and smacks Smokey the Bear with a spinning Lariat, URIYAAAAAAA!

Then, at his feet, Zangief notices a small bear speaking at him with rolling eyes and a hypnotizing voice, Hi! Im Teddy Ruxpin, and I want to be your friend!

With no hesitation, Zangief grabs the little demonic bear, takes to the air, spins him around, and piledrives him on the snow, shattering it to pieces! But before Zangief can catch a break, he notices another smartass bear wearing a green hat and a necktie trying to nab his food rations, Hey hey hey Booboo! Looks like we scored big on the borschtz here! Im SMAAAAAARTER than the average bear!

FOR MOTHER RUSSIA!

Zangief grabs the annoying Yogi Bear and takes the fucker for a ride with a series of grappling holds ending with a Spinning Piledriver that totally leaves the mischiveous bear in a bad, distorted shape. Zangief is looking pretty agitated right now, and soon enough, he catches wind of some small, colorful bears walking around with some cute symbols on their white bellies singing some catchy songs.

CARE A LOT, WE CARE A LOT!

Zangief pounds his chest in infinite rage, I AM THE REEEEEED CYCLOOOOOOONE!

Zangief chases off the Care Bears, as Mika is left dumbfounded, This forest is worse than the one from the Blair Witchs Project!

Name: Zangief
Sponsor: fatherbrain
Origin: Street Fighter II The World Warrior
Games: Street Fighter series, Versus series, Card Fighters Clash series, Pocket Fighter
Company: Capcom, SNK
Won: –
Lost: King Ghidorah
Fun fact: In Mobile Suit Gundam: Gundam vs. Gundam (thats a lot of Gundam, eh?) series, also developed by Capcom, the ZZ Gundam earns the nickname of Zangief after having an original attack which resembles the Spinning Piledriver.

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#63

Location: Dream Depot

In this dreamy world of flying stars and happy plants and lots and lots of pastel colors, everything seems to be just fine and dandy all over this world full of fun and games. But certainly two individuals are not all shits and giggles. They are sitting beneath an apple tree. One of them is a chubby and short man wearing a yellow and blue overall outfit. The other is the exact opposite: tall and scrawny, and also wearing an overall. They are the alteregos of the Super Mario Bros.: Wario and Waluigi.

Wario lets out a deep sigh as he rubs his pepper-sized nose, Ya knowbeing an evil copy of a series protagonist is no easy job, Im tellin ya. You have to eventually develop your own personality, or else you risk being under their shadow, forever!

Waluigi rests his chin over both his hands, You can say that because YOUR original is Mario. I have to be the copy of his worthless brother, Luigi. Imagine being the clone of someone who no one cares about in the first place!

Wario shakes his head in regret, Yeah, that definetly DOES suck big fat Italian plumber meatballs. Its like having an evil clone of Jar Jar Binks.

Waluigi slams his fist on the ground, lifting some grass leaves, And at least YOU have some games of your own! I only get to appear in those useless party games. Am I not good enough to be in the platform games? I mean, for real??!

Wario shrugs his shoulders, Its hard to say. Fans are pretty fickle these days. Before you know it, theyll be making games about Goombas and stuff.

Waluigi stands up in a furious rage and shakes his fist, Well, I wont stand for this no more! Im gonna go straight to Shigeru Miyamotos office, and DEMAND a stellar role in some game!

Wario looks up, Even if its a karaoke game?

Yeah, sure, why not? …Er?

Wario makes his classical cynical chuckle, See? I knew you werent cut enough for the big leagues, bro.

Waluigi stomps it out, CURSES! I will have it my way, even if I have to kidnap whatever Princess is in the spotlight right now!

Toadette skips along singing a cute tune as Waluigi stares at her in annoyance. Wario raises an eyebrow to see how Waluigi will react, but his evil brother just sits back down.

OK, maybe until the NEXT princess comes along…

Name: Waluigi
Sponsor: Arcadefire
Origin: Mario Tennis
Games: Mario Party series, Mario Kart series, Super Mario Strikers, Dance Dance Revolution Mario Mix, Super Smash Bros. Brawl (cameo)
Company: Nintendo, Konami
Won: –
Lost: Luigi
Fun fact: Waluigis costume serves as an alternate outfit in Paper Mario, as well as a hidden disguise for Luigi in Super Smash Bros. Brawl.

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#62

Location: Green Hell Island

An extended green marsh spreads out as far as the eye can see, with trees and a small shrine covering all the horizon outline. Some ruined wooden boats remain stranded in the mucky waters, and flamingos abound everywhere, tip-toeing amidst the vast vegetation that spreads throughout the swamp. In one of the trees branches that surround the marsh, the wild jungle girl Cham Cham hangs out with her brother, the masked warrior Tam Tam, both of them eating on some juicy fruits.

Cham Cham kicks her feet beneath the branch, Tam Tam, why do men look at me so weird?

Even though Tam Tam wears a mask, his emotions can easily be seen through his mask, and right now, he seems pretty confused, Hm? Why you say this, Cham Cham?

Cham Cham takes a bite out of her orange, When I take trip to big gray jungles, old men stare at me with big eyes. It make me feel bad. They be creepy!

Tam Tam frowns a bit, No pay attention to bad men. They only want body of yours. Sick old farts they be!

Cham Cham touches her chin in a thoughtful manner, Hmmm. You think it because of these legs of mine? Or maybe my tiny chest?

Tam Tam blushes a bit, How am I suppose to know? I am your brother! I no see that in you!

But you still man, no?

N-No! It no work like that!

Then, you beyou knowweird?

Tam Tam is now starting to get a little fumed, Hey hey! Tam Tam love pretty ladies! But you not one of them! Brother and sister are no no! All sorts of wrong!

Cham Cham drags in a little closer to Tam Tam, Why you no touch and see?

Tam Tam almost falls down the tree from the shock, You crazy! You sick little girl! Me gone! Me gone GOOD!

Tam Tam drops from the branch and becomes lost in the bushes. Cham Cham pouts in frustration, Tam Tam be such a coward. No fun at all!

A few instants later, Cham Chams pet monkey, Paku Paku, climbs up the tree and stands right next to her. Cham Cham seems pleased at the sight of her beloved companion, Oh, Paku Paku! Where you been? Cham Cham worry when you go away.

Without saying much, Paku Paku just clinches on to Cham Chams body, mainly her breast area. Cham Cham smiles as she caresses the monkey, Aw, Paku Paku. You do think Cham Cham be pretty, right?

Paku Paku nods as he buries his face into Cham Chams breasts. Cham Cham smiles and hangs on a vine, Then, lets go, Paku Paku! Off to some more adventure!

Paku Paku flashes a sinister grin as Cham Cham and him swing off into the distance.

Name: Cham Cham
Sponsor: Sinistar71
Origin: Samurai Shodown II
Games: Samurai Shodown RPG, Samurai Shodown IV Special, Samurai Shodown VI, Card Fighters Clash series
Company: SNK
Won: –
Lost: Yoko Littner
Fun fact: Cham Cham made her debut on the same year as another catgirl Darkstalkers Felicia (by Capcom). Coincidentally, Cham Chams alternate color scheme is very similar to Felicias own default palette.

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#61

Location: The Urahara Shop

What seems like to be a mere convinience store, happens to be none other than the Urahara Shop, a place where people who are spiritually aware can purchase things directly from the Soul Society itself. At the counter, Yoruichi Shihoin, a brown-skinned female with long black hair, sits and reads some manga while chewing on gum. Wandering around is her boss, the old Mr. Hat and Clogs, Kisuke Urahara who, as usual, is rambling about in his incoherent speech.

Hey hey hey, pretty girl! Slacking off on the job again? Youll get no vacations if you keep this up!

Yoruichi absently flips the pages of the manga, Its not like I get too many days off, anyway. I dont think I even have Christmas up for grabs. What a load of crap THAT is!

Urahara shakes his finger at Yoruichi, Now now, young lady. Dont talk to me in that grave tone of yours that makes you sound like Chyna. We could be expecting the visit of some Soul Reapers at any moment, or even worse.the IRS! Man, spirits are one thing, but taxes are a true bitch!

Yoruichi peeks over the manga shes reading, Maybe if you bothered gathering some REAL money instead of training that loser Ichigo, you would actually have some funds, which I doubt because Im not even on your payroll, you old coot!

Now, listen here, missy…!

Uraharas rant is cut short when the door can be heard opening and the bell being ringed. Urahara makes his way to the entrance, yet turns around and points at Yoruichi, Now, stay where you are, kiddo! Im not through chewing your pretty ass off yet!

Yoruichi rolls her eyes as Urahara gleefully skips towards the entrancewhich turns out to be bittersweet since he is met halfway through by the new visitor, a sunglass wearing man donned in a particular uniform of what is called the Soul Reapers: Tetsuzaemon Iba of the 7th Division. He points his sword menacingly at Urahara.

At last, I find you, old man! Time to pay your dues!

Urahara backs off a little, W-Whoa! Easy there fella! You must know, Im not alone! Yoruichi! Come out here!

But when Urahara turns around, nothing but a black cat is seen walking around the counter, meowing shamelessly. Urahara is furious amidst his sheer nervousness.

Oh, you little bitch!

Enough chit-chat! Die, Urahara!

Urahara and Iba engage in a fierce combat, while the cat apparently ALSO chews gum and keeps reading the manga. Such an odd world we live in!

Name: Yoruichi Shihoin
Sponsor: The Epidemic
Origin: Bleach manga/anime
Games: Bleach series
Company: Sony, Sega
Won: –
Lost: Taokaka
Fun fact: Yoruichis voice tone tends to be very deep, which leads many characters to believe that she is a male, calling her by the name of Mr. Yoruichi.

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#60

Location: Angel Grove High School

Dozens of teens run around in the campus courtyards carrying their backpacks and speaking some random gossip to each other as the school bell rings, indicating the end of yet another day of hard school work in Angel Grove, a city which for some reason ALWAYS attracts big bad monsters to its mist. Sitting on one of the benches is the pony-tailed martial artist Tommy Oliver, who throughout history has been a ton of Rangers, but right now, he plays the part of the oh-so-cool Green Ranger. He is a reading a book when his friend, Jason Lee Scott (currently the Red Ranger) approaches him with caution.

Tommy notices his pal coming along, and salutes, Yo Jason, whats up there, dawg?

Jason looks hesistant, Ummmm.hi, Tommy.

Aw, cmon man, Im not gonna make fun of your sexuality anymore, dude. Just sit down here and hang around with me!

Jason now seems a little bit more confident, Oh.OK! Thanks a ton, Tommy!

Jason sits beside Tommy as he closes his book and puts a hand on Jasons shoulder, You know, Jason, I have decided to set my priorities straight in life, and I know that poking some fun at your gayness IS entertaining from time to time, but Ive decided to focus on more important things, ya know?

Jason raises an eyebrow, Huh? What are you talkin bout, Willis?

Tommyyyyyyyy!

Tommy raises his hand at the sight of his incoming girlfriend, Kimberly Hart (currently the Pink Ranger). As soon as they meet, Tommy starts making out with her (tongue action and all), with Jason feeling a little bit uncomfortable. Then Timmy turns around, Hey, Jason, where you come from, can you actually feel a pair like these? Or do you have to date one of those fat geeks with the man boobies?

Tommy then grabs a handful of Kimberlys titties, as she just giggles, Oh, Tommy, stop that! Not in front of all the people!

Sorry, baby, just wanna know something here. Oh, and Jason, do your dates actually have this nice ass? Or are they usually hairy and full of pimples? That shit must be nasty, yo!

Saying that, Tommy also grabs firmly on Kimberlys buttcheeks, again prompting a playful slap from his girlfriend, Hee hee heeTommy! I like it when you do that, but can you save that for our own quality time?

Well, babe, you see, I had to show THIS *** that it aint cool to like the cock when you can have the best tits and ass the business can offer. I mean, whats so great about taking a dick up the ass. Heres a hint: it ISNT! Get the fuck out, ya queer!

Jasons eyes are on the verge of tears as his face flushes red, I HATE YOU, YOU SON OF A BITCH!

Jason storms off crying, as Kimberly seems concerned, Aw baby, arent we giving our public a bad image of lust and dubious morals?

Tommy shakes his head, Nah babe, theyll grow into it.

Name: The Green Ranger (Tommy Oliver)
Sponsor: maxx
Origin: Mighty Morphin Power Rangers TV series
Games: Mighty Morphin Power Rangers series
Company: Bandai
Won: –
Lost: Cecil
Fun fact: Although Tommy and Kimberly Hart (the original Pink Ranger) were a pretty hot item during the first seasons of Power Rangers, it is revealed in a Christmas special of the Power Rangers Zeo saga that, in the future, Tommy actually marries Katherine Hillard (the new Pink Ranger) and have kids.

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#12

The Shaq one made me lol! :rofl:


#13

#59

Location: Kame House

The sea waves flush constantly on this very small island located in the middle of the ocean, where a single wooden house colored in pink stands barely a couple of feet away from the water. Inside the house, the small warrior Krillin is watching TV, sitting on the floor. His little daughter, a blonde baby named Marron, who tries to grab ahold of things appearing on TV, which makes Krillin giggle. His wife, the android No. 18, emerges from the kitchen door.

Krillin, didnt you go with Master Roshi to run the errands at the city?

.Nah, Im sure hes doing just fine accompanied by the sea turtle. Hes a little bit out there, but hell do fine.

Yeeeeaaaaaah, Im sure hell do just great walking around town with a goddamn turtle by his side. Then again, with all the animal people walking around, who knows.?

Krillin laughs it off, but then No. 188 turns more serious than usual, And werent you gonna go training with Goku?

Krillin looks astonished, Are you serious about that?! Im not even fit to lace Gokus boots, much less train by his side! Besides, Ive been killed one too many times. It aint pretty! And I dont want Goku blowing my head off by just sneezing, either.

No. 18 shakes her head in dismay, Ahhhwhy did I have to marry such a weakling? I dont know WHAT I was thinking.

Krillin winks, Its because I use my chi for some more inventive purposes now, remember honey?

No. 18 lets out a sigh, Yeah, I guess that is a creative way to use whatever miserable amount of power you have left. Cant deny you look pretty cute while you do it, as well.

Krillin shrugs, Hey, I have to be up for SOMETHING, now that those Saiyans keep hogging the spotlight! Now how about we go for round 2.?

No. 18 smiles, and then pulls out a nasty looking whip, This timeI go on top. Any objections?

Krillin sinks his shoulders, Its tough being the bitch of this relationship.

Name: Android No. 18
Sponsor: Arcadefire
Origin: Dragon Ball Z manga/anime
Games: Dragon Ball Z series
Company: Bandai
Won: –
Lost: Tron Bonne
Fun fact: Although some people find it confusing that No. 18 can give birth to children even though shes an android, the fact is that even she confirms that some parts of her body are still human, so you can, um.guess which parts are actually hers.

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#58

Location: Fuyuki City

In a regular house within the suburbs of Fuyuki City, an apparenty run-of-the-mill Japanese city, a young man called Shiro Emiya is in his workshop, focused on repairing an old VCR unit that was sent to him a couple of days ago. Using some old tools that belonged to him for some time, Shiro is being accompanied by a young lady who seems to be trapped in the Dark Ages, as she is dressed in a full suit of armor and wields some ancient sword of sorts. She claims to be her servant from afar, the knight known as Saber.

Shiro absently comments, Man, who even uses a VCR nowadays? You think these people would actually go out and buy some DVD player or something instead of hanging with this piece of crap and deal with those stupid tapes.

Saber lets out a sigh of annoyance as she looks out the window, Master, we should be out there fighting the forces of evil that lay in wait! You should realize your destiny as being the true Hero of Justice!

Shiro leaves his repairing for a while as he turns towards Saber, Yeah yeah, Ive seen this plot before: Normal kid who leads a boring life turns out to be the successor to some unworldly fate, possesses secret powers, and is bound to save the world from whatever demonic force that may take over it. Cmon, isnt that played out by now?

Saber frowns as she shakes her fist at Shiro, But this time the threat is REAL! Your father realized what was in stake when he took you in after the city burned down, and he knew that you were the only one who could follow in his footsteps! Now take up your sword and lets go out there and fight some DEMONS!

Shiro looks taken aback by Sabers reaction, Whoa, slow down there, girl. Why all the sudden rush to just take a sword and run around the streets looking for demons? We would get arrested in a heartbeat for acting like a pair of psychos!

Sabers eyes lighten up with a fiery passion, Maybe the local authorities have also been taken over by the dark forces! We must also cleanse this corporation of the evil influence that afflicts it!

Shiro looks even more puzzled, I know that the cops are somewhat dirty and stuff, but as to be influenced by unknown forcessounds kinda farfetched to me.

Saber takes her sword out of her scabbard and points to the sky, Onward, my Master! Let us rescue Fuyuki City from the malevolent forces of evil! TO VICTORY!!!

Saber rushes out of the door, as Shiro blinks in sheer perplextion, Cant my accomplices be a little more sane than this??! Im tellin ya.

Name: Saber (Arturia Pendragon)
Sponsor: 4neqs
Origin: Fate/Stay Night graphic novel
Games: Fate series
Company: TYPE-MOON
Won: –
Lost: Wolverine
Fun fact: As you may have figured out by the names of her moves, Saber is actually based on some legends created around the historical figure of King Arthur (Excalibur being Arthurs legendary sword, Avalon being the scabbard of Excalibur, etc.). Specific subjects and figures like Merlin, the Knights of the Round, and Camelot, are also part of Sabers backstory.

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#57

Location: ZECT HQ

In the modern facilities of ZECT, both Souji Tendou and Arata Kagami, the two both up-and-coming Kamen Riders, walk down the steel halls, each looking pretty full of themselves as they walk side-by-side. Souji is whistling while Arata polishes his nails on his jacket. Arata turns around and says, Soooohow many Worms did you beat today, Souji my boy?

Tendou laughs it off, Look, man, if Worms were like cockroaches, ya better call me the fuckin Raid cuz those bitches drop like flies, baby!

Arata, also known as Kamen Rider Gatack, gives a chuckle, and fixes his jacket, Yeah, well, better eat your heart out newb, cuz I just beat 20 IN A DAYS WORK. Some Riders just break a mad sweat by killing just 3 of them, let alone 20!

Tendou points out at Arata, Aaahhhh! The defeated dog barks the loudest! Grandmother always said, The early bird counts their eggs before they hatch! Errrr.or was it The only good Worm is the one that gets caught by an early bird? Its really hard for me to tell, ya know?

Arata rolls his eyes, I betbut there is only one way we can solve this!

Tendou smiles, Indeed! ENGAGE!

Tendou and Arata both go for their special belts, and amidst a fancy section of transformation, emerge as their respective Kamen Riders, with Tendou being the famed Kamen Rider Kabuto! They both strike extremely cheesy poses as they talk to each other.

TENDOU! You shall not succeed! I shall become your NEMESIS!

Do not dream silly dreams, Kagami! The power is YOURS.I mean, MINE!

Office personnel are astonished and shocked to see two Kamen Riders just talking to each other while pointing at each other, flexing, pointing towards the heavens, doing stances, and just look like overall goofs. Arata finally replies, ENOUGH TALK, Kabuto! Time to finish this in true Kamen Rider style!

Tendou rubs his chin, …Do we take the Riders and just speed into the sunset, like Top Gun?

No, you idiot! In a fight clearly to the death!

Wow, isnt THAt some serious business?

Arata throws some small cherry bombs, which somehow creates big firework explosions, which although dont even explode close to Tendou, he just flies into the air and spins like a top, falling kinda awkwardly. Tendou prepares his counterstrike, with those typical anime streaks crossing behind him, but before he launches his super attack, a stern voice shouts from somewhere.

THATS ENOUGH, YOU TWO NUMBNUTS! Stop your sentai shit and get back to work! This isnt some goddamn Power Rangers academy, so stop with the silly crap!

It was their direct superior officer, Shuichi Tadokaro, a very strict military man who didnt want screw-ups in his division. His looks were so fierce, it made even both Kamen Riders nervous, and bow in apology. Were sorry, Mister Tadokaro!, both say in unison.

Tadokaro slaps both Riders over the top of their heads and fumes, Stop talking, you dipshits, and back to some Worm ass-kicking for the both of you! MOVE MOVE MOVE!

Tendou bows before making his dramatic exit, Walking the path of heaven, the man who will rule over everything!, and strikes another silly pose.

Name: Kamen Rider Kabuto (Souji Tendou)
Sponsor: maxx
Origin: Kamen Rider Kabuto TV series
Games: Kamen Rider Kabuto
Company: Bandai
Won: –
Lost: Rob Lucci
Fun fact: During the 35th anniversary of Kamen Rider, some special episodes were hosted to make a homage of the series. In episode 23 (Rider Kicks) the group watches and Yamato narrates the variations of Rider Kicks during the course of the years. Yamato mentions about the Rider Double Kick of Kamen Riders 1 and 2, Kamen Rider V3’s V3 Kick, Kamen Rider X’s X Kick, and Kamen Rider Super-1’s ten various kicks. In the end, Kagami stands up and does his own Rider Kick (he even shouts the attack name) and falling into his seat with Yuzuki looking. Tendou and Kagami ask Yamato, “Who are you?”

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#56

Location: Midgar, Sector 7

Beneath the huge plate that covers the sky, withholding the city of Midgar, there are several slum sections that try to get by under their lowly life conditions imposed onto them by Shinra, the energy company that runs the city. In one of these slums, Sector 7, is a small bar to which many of the disgruntled inhabitants resort to for a good drink. Its name is 7th Heaven, and its owner is a cute young lady by the name of Tifa Lockhart.

This evening, 7th Heaven doesnt seem to be so lively, thanks to the random inspections done by Shinra, but Tifa is hard at work cleaning up the counter. Just when he orders up the glasses, a familiar face drags into the tavern. Its Tifas childhood friend and ex-SOLDIER, Cloud Strife, who seems exhausted after a busy day of fighting off Shinra forces as a part of his duties as a member of the resistance group, AVALANCHE, a team of which Tifa is a member, too.

Cloud crashes on a stool next to the counter, as Tifa gladly walks up to cheer her friend, Hi, Cloud! Man, you look like the dumps! Hard work today?

Cloud just lowers his head and mumbles, How long must I endure this? The Mako energy in my bloodit burns my veins.

Tifa winks as she leans forward, Well, big boy, you can rest alllllll you want, because Ill be right here for you, for whatever you need

Oblivious to this, Cloud keeps ranting, .Where is he? Sephiroth. Ill get you one day.

Tifa thins about it a bit, and then blantly shakes her ginormous breasts right in front of Clouds face, Come on, Cloud. Im feeling kinda hot in here. How about you and I close the joint and go take some drinks elsewhere?

Cloud just waves absently, What he did to Aeris. Can never forgive. I will kill Sephiroth. And free myself of SOLDIER.

In that moment, the leader of AVALANCHE, Barret Wallace, pops up behind Cloud, DAAAAAAAMN nigga! You got dem fine tittays dancin in front of yo dumb ass, and you rather be emo bout it? Fuck that nigga, you done fucked up!

Barret smacks Cloud over the head with his gun-arm, effectively knocking him out cold. Barret the turns to Tifa, and winks, Hey babe, forget this whiny-ass cracka and come with me, and Ill take you to heaven, baby!

Tifa smiles, Well, they say that once you go black, you cant go backIm all in, dawg!

Thats whats up, byotch!

Barret and Tifa walk out of 7th Heaven, as Cloud remains groveling on the floor, Sephiroth. This is all YOUR doing. I will get you for this.

The theme of the 7th Heaven TV series starts playing in the background as the scene fades to black.

Name: Tifa Lockhart
Sponsor: Dragonsama
Origin: Final Fantasy VII
Games: Before Crisis Final Fantasy VII, Crisis Core Final Fantasy VII, Dirge of Cerberus Final Fantasy VII, Kingdom Hearts II, Ehrgeiz, Itadaki Street Special, Itadaki Street Portable
Company: Square Enix
Won: –
Lost: Chun Li
Fun fact: It seems that for the longest time, Tetsuya Nomura (lead designer for FF VII) had a pretty hard time defining if he would give her a dress or a mini-skirt. Thankfully, they went for the skirt on Tifa, and the dress on Aeris.

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#55

Location: North High School

Birds chirp and the sun rays shine down quite extensively on the now-empty classroom, as a single female student, Haruhi Suzumiya, remains sitted on her deak, laying her chin against her hand, playing with her pencil as she gazes at the distance. Her friend, Kyon, enters the room with his hands in his pockets, and looks at the thoughtful Haruhi with a smile.

Thinking of some more brilliant plans to recruit more members in our brigade, chief?

Haruhi turns around and smiles, Yeah, Ive thought of a few.

Kwon fixes the tie of his uniform, So? Are we just gonna walk up to their doorways, knock, and just ask them for their voluntary assistance?

Haruhi winks, Not only did I speak to them, they are already here, willing to start working as soon as possible!

Kwon looks astonished, Huh? Really? Theyre here? Geez, boss. You sure are quick!

Haruhi giggles, You know me! And heeeeere they are!

First, an easily recognizable man wearing a ripped white gi, a black belt, and a red headband comes walking in with a duffel bag over his shoulder. He drops the duffel bag with a sigh, Im not really a man for employee work. Id rather be my own boss.

Haruhi berates the wandering warrior, Ryu, Like you would even HAVE a job to begin with! Just thank me, ya bum! And maybe you can buy some shoes, for once!

Ryu shakes his head and looks away, Why is it that EVERYONE has to bring up that shoe crap? I ONCE had red slippers, ya know! Its just that they gave me a bad case of sore feet, thats all.

The second member comes in, which turns out to be a giant bulky man, wearing only a pair of boxer shorts, his hands and feet were all taped up, and he had an eyepatch. He looks at Ryu and sneers, Why do I have to be paired up with THIS guy? I think Ive made it PRETTY clear that we dont get along.

Ryu crosses his arms and makes an unpleasant grunt, Look, Sagat, just because youre all pissy about that scar on your chest, doesnt mean you have to act all grumpy around me.

Sagat grinds his teeth, Why, you little!

The two are separated by an unseen force, shown in the form of some gladiator deity of sorts, as a young man wearing a school uniform trenchcoat walks in, and fixes his cap, Now now, boys, dont play rough, or Ill beat BOTH your asses to the ground, and you wouldnt even know it!

Ryu and Sagat turn towards the cocky Kujo Jotaro, and exclaim in unison, Yeah, you should be the one to talk, since your Stand does all the job for ya!

Jotaro cracks his knuckles, Hey, bitches. Dont get me pissed, or youll be pissed ON!

The three fighters argue among each other as Kyon looks confused and scared, Hey, Haruhi, where did you dig up THESE freaks?

Haruhi toys around with her pencil some more, I dunnosomething to do with some thing called Battle Poll and stuff, hosted by some weirdo called Lantis. Now what will they think of next?

Kyon looks interested, That sounds cool! Think we can participate one day!

Haruhi smiles at Kyon, In my world, never say never, Kyon!

The two laugh it off as Ryu, Sagat, and Jotaro still quarrel.

Name: Haruhi Suzumiya
Sponsor: Bowling Pin
Origin: Haruhi Suzumiya light novels
Games: Suzumiya Haruhi series
Company: Bandai, Banpresto, Kadokawa Shoten, Sega
Won: –
Lost: Diablo
Fun fact: The creator of Haruhi, Nagaru Tanigawa, said that the idea for the character came during a sleepless night at the beginning of the 21st century.

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#14

#54

Location: Orbonne Monastery

Within the walls of this partially ruined monastery, is the hideout for the princess of Ivalice, Lady Ovelia Atkascha, in seclusion from the evil ambitions of Duke Larg. Keeping watch at one of the balconies is the Holy Knight, Agrias Oaks, a woman endowed in a precious suit of armor, but always on the lookout for the enemy and a possible ambush. Lady Ovelia herself joins Agrias shortly after, looking dreadfully bored.

Ahhhhh. Agrias, why did you have to take me all the way out to this dump? I swear, this is no fun at all. Being in middle of some God-forsaken hill and surrounded by nothing but rocks and treesit kind of gets to ya, you know? I miss the night parties, and the social reunions, and.

Agrias cuts her princess off without taking her sight off the horizon, My Liege, please! We didnt come all the way out here for you to have a picnic! We are here to protect you from all those who are conspiring against you! This is no stroll down the park, you know?

Ovelia crosses her arms and frowns, Hmph! You say that because YOUR idea of fun involves staying on guard for 3 days straight without moving a muscle. Wheres the fun in THAT?

Agrias finally takes a break and looks down at the floor, UhhhhI am also human, you know. Its not like Im a senseless drone who just takes orders and has no fun ideas. Its just that the situation is too critical at the moment to actually tempt the idea of some parties.

Ovelia hunches over to Agrias and pats her on the shoulder, Its OK, we have guards swarming the surroundings. I bet we can easily catch wind of any enemy force trying to raid the place, dont you think? In the meantime, what do you say about we party all the time?

Agrias fiddles around with her sword, Geez.well…sure, why not? It wouldnt hurt to nab a drink or two.

Ovelias face becomes overridden with joy, FANTASTIC! Hit the music, guys!

Alicia and Lavian, Agrias companion knights, appear carrying a barrel of beer, screaming collectively, LETS GET IT STARTED IN HERE!

The night comes along, and the Monasterys usual silence is replaced by a loud ruckus of music and screaming as the soldiers party to their hearts content amidst much celebration and drinking. Agrias ends up drinking from the barrel itself, totally forgetting about her style or class as she basically ends up being wasted all over the floor. After a while, Ramza Beoulve, also one of the men responsible for the protection of Lady Ovelia, runs into the lively room, and looks shocked at the whole mess.

What the fuck is going on here??!

Agrias lunges herself at Ramza, who catches her because she is more drunk than enthusiastic, Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey Ramza! Whats up, fo shizzle? You want some of that good stuff, eh? EH? Dont be such a damn pussy, and drink up, ya fool!

Ramza looks annoyed as he shoves Agrias off, You know. That would be pretty good.if it werent for the fact that the princess got fuckin KIDNAPPED BY DELITA A FEW MOMENTS AGO, you dumb bitches!

The music suddenly stops, as all the knights gathered around stop in their tracks, and everyone looks at each other with a frightened shock, as Agrias just stands there in disbelief.

Well.FUCK!

And having said that, Agrias just pukes all over the floor.

Name: Lady Agrias Oaks
Sponsor: The Epidemic
Origin: Final Fantasy Tactics
Games: Final Fantasy Tactics The War of the Lions
Company: Square Enix
Won: –
Lost: Lokken
Fun fact: Theres a side event in the game in which you can celebrate Agrias birthday. In order to see this event, the player has to keep Agrias and Mustadio in their party, as well as Agrias’s companion knights, Alicia and Lavian. If Ramza and his party reach a city or a town, but not a castle town, on the 1st of Cancer, Mustadio buys Agrias the Tynar Rouge lip rouge for her birthday, and hints at a hidden affection for her. It costs 50,000 Gil, but player must need at least 500,000 Gil to activate this quest. This event is for PSP version only.

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#53

Location: Science Patrol HQ, Tokyo, Japan

In the distant year of 1993 (hey, it WAS distant back in the 60s, OK?), the Science Special Search Party is in charge of the protection of the Earth from outer space threats likeyou knowusually ginormous space monsters that may come about and cause some ruckus on the planet. The Science Patrol is a specialized unit that has the most advanced weaponry to fight against the alien threatswhich of course, dont mean shit, but still, they possess what could be the ultimate weapon the outer space justice fighter, Ultraman!

It was a boring day at HQ as many of its members just hang around wasting their time: Daisuke plays some NES, Mitsuhiro listens to some rad CDs, and the famous deputy captain, Shin Hayata, fiddles around with his computer, which now has the magnificent MS-DOS program. Certainly, the latest advances in technology, but their time of recess is cut short when the alarm is set off.

Daisuke angrily comments, Oh, goddammit! These fuckin space monsters sure pick the worst moments to show up and stir some shit!

Mitsuhiro quickly bolts for the door, Come on, guys, we gotta roll! Or else Captain Toshio is gonna have our asses for lunch!

While Daisuke and Mitsuhiro make way to the exit, Hayata stays calm and pulls out his Beta Capsule from his pocket, smirking, Guess someones gotta get dangerous, eh, big boy?

Outside the facilities, Daisuke and Mitsuhiro have to bear witness how some lizard-like monster is totally destroying Tokyo, as Mitsuhiro shoots at the creature to no avail. Daisuke rolls his eyes, Seriously, man, you think that fuckin pee shooter is gonna work against a 50-feet monster? Get real, dammit!

Mitsuhiro looks cohabited, But…I modified this gun to be as potent as a laser cannon, I dunno why its not working!

Daisuke grinds his teeth, Because it never HAS, dumbshit! The Science Patrol really gives us some shitty weapons to face towering monsters. Its like shooting dried peas at a tidal wave!

Right then and there, a towering figure just paces over the effortless duo, and just stands poised to face the monster. Its the huge heroic figure, Ultraman! But before he deals with the creature, Ultraman makes it his business to just start a choreography of Michael Jacksons Smooth Criminal. Daisuke and Mitsuhiro stare in disbelief.

I knew he was a fuckin showoff, sneers Daisuke.

By the Ultraman finishes the dance, he notices that his star symbol on his chest is already blinking red, meaning he took too much time dancing his ass off than dealing with the threat.

Aw crap, Ultraman thinks to himself, as he could never move his mouth for some reason. Quickly taking note of the matter, Ultraman does some weird poses, picks his noses, and flicks a flying booger at the monster! And not just any boogera FLYING PLASMA STAR CRASH BOOGER, no less! Surely enough, the monster dies amidst much fireworks and explosions. Ultraman poses to finish off his deed.

You know, he really does look classy for a 50-feet faceless alien dude, Mitsuhiro confers with Daisuke.

Whatever it is, Im moving from fuckin Tokyo by next winter. Fuck this whole giant monster crap. Would rather move to Detroit than here!

Daisuke!

What?

Too soon!

The police duo argues as Ultraman flies into the distance, waiting to save the world one more time!

Name: Ultraman
Sponsor: maxx
Origin: Ultra Q TV series
Games: Ultraman series (seriously, theres a huge bunch of fuckin games for this guy)
Company: Banpresto, Bandai, Bec, Kodansha
Won: –
Lost: Captain Falcon
Fun fact: Despite his awesome power, Ultramans glaring weakness is his duration time. Since Ultraman can only subsist with pure solar energy, being on Earth means that his energy gets constantly leached out. This grants him only 3 minutes to dispose of any creature he fights against before he is in serious trouble (although he has found some ways around this time limit, such as flying to outer space to recharge himself with solar energy)

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#52

Location: Panorama

In this towering facility, a shady figure slips between the shadows, trying hard not to be seen by anyone. Going up and down some stairs and behind some pillars, this somber soldier tries to sneak in some supplies he illegally obtained in the market, but his treachery is soon foiled by the appearance of a man in front of a doorway.

Hello there, Chunky.

The corrupt soldier stops dead in his tracks, trembling with fear, Hehhehh-h-hi Edgar! Why up so late?

Edgar slowly steps towards Chunky, I would like to ask you the same thing, Chunky. What are you smuggling around this time?

Chunky is now pretty much sweating cold, Uhhhhh.I-Its nothing, Edgar! Really! Just let me off the hook, will ya? I swear I will never do this again!

Edgar then stops in his tracks and gazes at Chunky, I have been waiting for you. You have many questions and though the process has altered your consciousness, you remain irrevocably human. Ergo, some of my answers you will understand, some you will not. Concordantly, though your first question may be the most pertinent, you may or may not realize, it is also the most irrelevant.

Chunky now looks totally at a lost, .What the fuck?

Edgar raises his finger as to interrupt his rebellious subordinate, Your life is the sum on the remainder of an unbalanced equation inherent to my will. You are the eventuality of an anomaly, which despite my sincerest efforts I have been unable to eliminate from what is otherwise a harmony of mathematical precision. While it remains a burden assiduously avoided, it is not unexpected, and thus not beyond a measure of control, which has led you, inexorably, here.

Chunky now starts to look annoyed, Geez, man, I live here!

Edgar strokes his chin, Precisely. As you are undoubtedly gathering, the anomaly is systemic, creating fluctuations in even the most simplistic equations.

Chunky angrily throws down his hidden box of supplies, You know what? Fuck this shit! Ive had enough of this psycho babble! It aint worth what I got! You can take those supplies and stuff it up your ass, Edgar!

Chunky storms off in rage, as Edgar creates a pipe out of some sand, Ahhhdenial. The most predictable of all human responses.

Name: Edgar
Sponsor: The Chief
Origin: Phantom Dust
Games: –
Company: Majesco
Won: –
Lost: Aokiji
Fun fact: The Edgar you see in the game isnt actually the REAL Edgar, but a copy of himself that the original Edgar made when his health started to decline. Now, will the real Edgar please stand up?

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#51

Location: Mos Eisley

In the spaceport town located on the planet Tatooine, many diverse alien creatures pass on by, either on foot or in hovercrafts, pass by as several starships come and go in the deep blue sky. This town is mostly just low-grade concrete, stone, and plastoid structures, yet most definetly harbors some wretched galactic scum. Unknown to many, two of the most dangerous scum happens to be in one of the docks. They are the evil Sith lord, Darth Vader, and his apprentice, Starkiller.

The particular dock in which Vader and Starkiller are at happens to be empty, aside from their decoy ship, as Vaders heavy breathing sound fills the room, with Starkiller crossing his arms and tapping his foot.

Seriously, old man, if you were badly burned like that, couldnt they have given you a less loud breathing thing? It gives me the creeps after about an hour of hearing it.!

Darth Vader slowly turns around to confront his pupil, All in due time, young Padawan. Do not forget our mission at hand. We must crush the Rebel resistance movement here in this town. We must do it as swiftly and quietly as possible.

Not with the way YOURE breathing, we wont!

Remember! You are only but yet another senseless plot device thought up by George Lucas to senselessly milk the Star Wars cow from here to high hell! I bet scrubs like you come a dime a dozen, and God knows how many apprentices Im gonna get stuck with throughout the ages! So SHUT IT!

Starkiller looks deeply astonished by this remark, Geez, you didnt have to lay it down like THAT! Sheesh, you can be more brutal than the Emperor!

Darth Vader then stands motionlessly, and then indicates something with his hand, I sense a small battalion of misfists just around the corner. You think you are up to the task of defeating them?

Starkiller makes an annoying blur with his mouth, This is almost TOO easy! OK! Time to put my nifty red lightsaber to use and fuck some freaks UP!

As soon as Starkiller comes out with his lightsaber, he starts mowing down fools like he was a Mexican gardener, and Force-pushing everyone to the wall. Starkiller is feeling pretty full of himself, until some pretty woman comes up to him with a weird bun-like hairstyle, looking all fumed up.

Hey, you, villain!

Starkiller looks around, and then back to the woman, Who? Me?

Yeah, you! What gives you the right to just go up and kill my men? If you belong to the Empire, then dont think Ill forgive you!

Uhhh.its not like I care all that much. I just have a fun time killing people with awesome Jedi powers!

Oh? So youre some twisted psycho who is like a little boy given a nasty toy or something? How childish! A thing like the Force isnt something you can play with! So mind your manners and be gone, wretch!

Does Starkiller have to choke a bitch?

Starkiller gripes his hand, and curiously enough, the young lady starts choking out before she passes out due to the lack of air. Having cleared everything from the Rebels, Vader comes out, feeling pretty full of himself, until he notices the woman sprawled out on the ground.

You.took her out, too?

Yeah, she was kinda in the way, ya know. Pretty annoying, too. Too bad I had to choke her pretty ass into submission, heh heh.

Shes my daughter, Leia, you fool!

Come again?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Starkiller scratches his head in annoyance, Here we go again.

Name: Starkiller (Galen Marek/The Apprentice)
Sponsor: AzN_Skater
Origin: Star Wars The Force Unleashed
Games: Soul Calibur IV
Company: LucasArts, Namco
Won: –
Lost: Rei
Fun fact: The name Starkiller is a homage to Annikin Starkiller, the original name of the character that eventually became Luke Skywalker.

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#50

Location: The Ark

Somewhere deep within a mountain range, at the base of an inactive volcano, an old spaceship is incrusted, and has been that way for several million years now, but even so, this abandoned place looks pretty livelyand it is so due to many huge robots that inhabitate the place, the heroic Autobots! A huge red-and-blue Autobot stands out from the rest, and rightfully so, as it is their leader, Optimus Prime.

Prime takes a look around the vicinity, and nods, Seems like yet another peaceful day without those blasted Decepticons trying to ruin everything.

Ironhide stands by his side and compliments, Dont worry Prime, if we ever get in a pickle, all we need to do is put The Touch in your tape player, and you always go ballistic on them fools!

Optimus rubs his chin, Hmmmmm.yeah, I always wonder why that happens? Do I have a thing for 80s hair metal? At least it isnt rap.

Jazz crosses his arms and frowns, I resent that comment.

Optimus shrugs, Anyway, Im glad you guys are behind me 100%, it really makes me feel up to the job of being the leader of the Autobots. Unlike those young punks Ultra Magnus and Hot Rod, who think they can run shit as tight as I do it. And I run a pretty tight ship, eh?

Ratchet chuckles it off, Yeah, Optimus, but its not like youll ever DIE! I mean, imagine if that would happen? Everyone would up and go apeshit about it.

I know, Ratchet. God forbid they would kill off someone like ME! Man, they would revive me with the quickness. What, they wany my two-bit version Ultra Magnus running the show? Yeah, I didnt think so. Anyway, guys, its time for some Energon quality time, so lets TRANSFORM AND ROLL OUT!

All the Autobots transform into their vehicle forms, and Optimus Prime, of course, transforms into his trailer form, but Bumblebee is left perplex, You know, Optimus, I ALWAYS wanted to know where your trailer box always goes when you transform?

Optimus just brushes it off, It goes up to the storing garage in What the fuck you care-ville. Come on! We are the Autobots! Half of what we do is not even supposed to make sense! So, lets make a roll for it!

The Autobots drive off into the distance, as some obscure Weird Al Yankovic song plays in the background.

Name: Optimus Prime
Sponsor: Dragonsama
Origin: Transformers animated series
Games: Transformers series (not counting Beast Wars since that is a different kind of Optimus Prime), DreamMix TV World Fighters
Company: Ocean, Activision, Takara, Hudson Soft, Atari
Won: –
Lost: General Leo
Fun fact: Case you didnt know, Optimus Prime has a special loathing for rap music (as seen in the episodes Blaster Blues and Quest for Survival in the G1 series), loves basketball (as seen in The Master Builder), and even likes soap operas (gets distressed when the soap opera he watches is interrupted by a news flash in Prime Target)

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#15

#49

Location: Los Angeles, California

After a press conference, the governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger, goes backstage, all smiles and sunshine after delivering a speech about the current migration issues. His collaborators and assistants congratulate him, shaking his hand and patting him in the back, as Arnold heads for his dressing room to prepare the next public event at City Hall. Unbeknownst to him, a police officer follows close by. His stare is icy cold and his movments seem stiff and monotone. Arnold turns around, and looks puzzled at the man following him.

…Robert? Robert Patrick? Is dat ya?

This, however, may not be Robert Patrick, as it is the T-1000, a highly advanced liquid metal assassin. He analyzes that the situation has called for a more friendly approach, but no smiles can be seen from this emotionless android.

Hey, Arnold, whats up? Looking classy as usual…

Not as much as ya, old friend! God, ya havent aged a year! How do ya get through, buddy?

Special implants. You know how it goes.

Arnold nods, I see. Ive beeb thinking of doing some Botox myself. Do ya think it will make me look fake?

Absolutely not. Changing the subject, have you seen this boy?

The T-1000 pulls out a picture of which he believes to be John Connor. Arnold takes a close look, then bursts out laughing, What, ya mean ya havent heard about Eddie Furlong? Dat kid is neck-deep into some serious drug issues, Im tellin ya. Cant quit dat weed, ya know what I be sayin.

The T-1000 takes a look at the own picture he showed Arnold, and tilts his head, Smoking marijuana, eh? Not very commdable for the future leader of the humans.

.Excuse me?, Arnold asked with some suspicion, but the T-1000 just brushes it off.

Just forget it. Where is John Connor now?

John Connor. Oh, well, have ya asked dat before? Heh heh, ya sure are beyond the times, old pal. Hes now Christian Bale!

Christian.Bale?

You know, Batman? That magician dude? American Psycho? Just because yar last films have been pure trash, doesnt mean ya have to be out of the mill, pal!

The T-1000 continues with his icy cold stare, Then I should go encounter him… To fix the future as we see fit. Farewell, Mr. Schwarzenegger.

As Arnold turns around, the T-1000 fades into a puddle of liquid metal, and dissolves itself into the ground. Unknown to him was that Arnold had pulled out some shades from the coat of his suit, and put them on, one of his eyes shining red.

Ill be back.maybe in ze White House…?

Name: T-1000
Sponsor: Wolfkiller
Origin: Terminator 2 Judgment Day film
Games: Terminator 2 Judgment Day, T2 The Arcade Game, Terminator 2 Judgment Day Chess Wars
Company: LJN, Flying Edge, Midway
Won: –
Lost: Alien
Fun fact: The role of the T-1000 was originally meant to be played by rock singer Billy Idol, but a car accident prevented him from fulfilling his duties. Another case scenario was to have Michael Biehn (actor who played Kyle Reese in the first Terminator movie) fill the role, under the argument that Skynet was able to clone him, but the idea was ditched, considering it would have created far much confusion.

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#48

Location: Planet Mars

On the noticeably red surface of the planet Mars, a lone spaceship flies from the stratosphere onto the red dust that covers the planet, slowly burning down its boosters as it slowly approaches the ground. The design is based on the Vic Viper fighting vessel, although it is essentially an Orbital Frame instead of a full-fledged spaceship. The pilot of this model is Rock Thunderheart, who from his cockpit, surveys the area.

Hmmmit seems the BAHRAM base is not here.must be on the other hemisphere or something. Oh well, got the gas to spare, so lets go!

In that moment, Rock notices how the earth trembles, and all of a sudden, huge Moai heads surge from the depths, standing tall and imposing over the Vic Viper. Rock stares in awe at the whole awesome sight, SHIT! The fuck is all this random BS???!

More surprising than that, is that the Moai heads open their mouths, and concentrate a great deal of energy in their mouths, starting to fire energy beams that the Vic Viper eludes accordingly. Rock decides to jet the Viper straight into outer space to avoid the Moai heads altogether, but suddenly spots several rows of enemy ships flying towards him.

What?! They are not BAHRAM forces. Whats going on here??!

The enemy ships take on strange linear formations and move in odd patterns which makes it easy for the Vic Viper to shoot them down. Rock laughs it off, Why send dozens of ships just to be mowed down like moths to the flame? That sounds pretty stupid!

Once the Viper does away with the legion of cannon fodder ships, Rock notices a vastly greater ship in the distance, coming forth with all guns blazing and missiles shooting all over. The Vic Viper has to employ some fairly impressive manuevers to avoid the firepower. Rock then notices a glowing core in the middle of the battleship, and focuses all its artillery on the center, and soon enough, the huge vehicle goes down in flames, with subsecuent explosions crippling the ship to a bunch of junk.

Rock simply smirks at the incoming attack, How do you build such an overwhelming starship with such a glaring weakness? That sounds like a huge waste of time!

From the middle of nowhere, a single bullet crosses the vortex of space. Rock doesnt notice it because its so small, but once that small shell touches the Vic Viper, it blows up in a single atomic explosion! Recordings taken from the last transmission of the Viper hails this single quote from Rock:

BULLSHIT!

Name: Vic Viper
Sponsor: Septimus Prime
Origin: Gradius
Games: Gradius series, Zone of the Enders The 2nd Runner, Parodius series, Wai Wai World, Konami Krazy Racers, Pop N Music 11, Air Force Delta Strike, Dance Dance Revolution series
Company: Konami
Won: Avatar Aang
Lost: Guile
Fun fact: The Vic Viper also appears as a monster card in the Yu-Gi-Oh! card game. Although not very powerful in its own right, it can be enforced with additional Option cards that work just like in the game It doubles the attack power of the Vic Viper.

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#47

Location: White Base

In the huge spaceship that presently navigates around the Earths orbit, a huge space colony spreads out within the confines of the White Base, with people leading relatively normal lives in such a peculiar scenario. Never ignoring the ever-latent chance that enemy forces might assault the ship, several Gundam units are always ready in store to be used against hostile entities. One of the pilots of said units, Amuro Ray, is now currently on town, walking down the streets and looking pretty sure of himself.

That is, until, he meets face to face with his fiercest rival, Char Aznable, who is also prancing his good looks around town, wooing whatever chick he may find in his way. The two stand there, in the middle of the street, looking at each other with icy cold stares, as you could cut the tension with a knife.

Char.

Save it, Amuro. You know you cant beat me. So why even try??!

I will not rest my soul until I have proven to you that I am the better warrior here! And your pride will also be in shambles!

Says you, you jest! But it shall be YOU who will leave here with nothing but shame and disgrace!

Lalah Sune, one of the know acquaintances of both Amuro and Char, tries to step between the two, Please, guys! Can we lower down the hormone levels for just a second? There is no need for this senseless bloodshed! You are friends, you should act like such!

Amuro shakes his head, No can do, Lalah. This is our own destiny, that which we must fulfill in order to see which one is right, and which one is wrong!

Come forth, Amuro!

At your lead, Char!

The two Gundam pilots rear back their fists, and Lalah can do nothing but turn around and hope for the worst. But instead of locking their fists in deadly combat, the two former friends throw what seems to be tops on the pavement, as both Amuro and Char seem overly excited at the sight of both tops clashing against each other several times.

BEYBLADE TIME, bitches!, Char shouts with a passion.

OH YEAH! Can you feel the HEAT?, Amuro pumps his fist with determination.

This is better than piloting those Gundams, eh Amuro?

I would actually put it along with eating brownies with pizzas, but yeah, I agree. FIGHT TO THE FINISH!

The two pilots cheer their respective tops, as a small crowd gathers before them to cheer for whatever reason they find pleasing, as Lalah slumps her shoulders, Well, at least they wont kill each other.unless the Beyblade becomes SERIOUS BUSINESS!

Name: Amuro Ray
Sponsor: cain[e]
Origin: Mobile Suit Gundam anime
Games: Mobile Suit Gundam series, Dynasty Warriors Gundam series, Super Robot Wars series
Company: Bandai
Won: Jehuty
Lost: Alex
Fun fact: In the Super Robot Wars series, Misato Katsuragi (of the Neon Genesis Evangelion series) has some sort of crush on Amuro. This is an inside joke created by the fact that Amuros voice actor (Toru Furuya) is the same actor that does the voice of Sailor Moons Tuxedo Mask, while Misatos voice actress (Kotono Mitsuishi) is the same actress that does the voice of Sailor Moon herself.

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#46

Location: Pallet Town

In the outskirts of the small and easygoing Pallet Town, atop a small grassy hill, a huge electric shock temporarily lights up the sky, as a burnt and shocked Caterpie falls to the ground in defeat. It was caused by a victorious Pikachu, who jumps up and down in celebration, as the opposing trainer attends to his wounded Caterpie. With constant squeals of PIKA! PIKA!, the rodent Pokemon jumps into the arms of his own personal trainer, Ash Ketchum.

That was great, Pikachu! Another battle won! You seem to be the solution to ALL battles, even if the opponent is resistant against lightning! You defy the basic plot elements itself, Pikachu!, Ash expresses with joy as he strokes the head of his beloved Pokemon.

Pikachu nods in glee, as Misty, Ashs eternal sidekick, looks on with curiousity, hugging her Togepi, Hey, good match there, Ash.

Without even turning back, Ash keeps his focus on Pikachu, Thanks, Misty! Oh, Pikachu, I dont see the reason for you to evolve, you kick as much ass as 50 Raichus put together.

Pikachu nods in agreement, as Misty draws in even closer, a strange lazy look in her eyes, You know, Ash. You look pretty hot in that new cap of yours. You have that sort of dorky boyish charm to you, as well.

Ash just keeps tossing Pikachu up into the air and catching him, laughing and giggling like a little kid, as Misty lowers down her shirt from the shoulder a bit, Ive also grown a little bit, grown some hair in weird places, and well, I thought that, you know, since weve been together for so long and all.

But Ash continues to be totally oblivious to Mistys advances, as he rolls on the grass with Pikachu in his arms. Misty looks confused, and points out, Hey, Ash! My parents are not home, either, so why dont we go to our place and.

.Huh? What do you want, Misty? Pikachu and I are going on yet another adventure! There are so many Pokemons out there and I gotta CATCH EM AAALLLLLL! Lets go, Pikachu!

Ash darts off, and Pikachu remains looking at a distraught Misty. Pikachu simply shrugs, and follows off after his master, PIKA-------CHU!

Name: Pikachu
Sponsor: Lucretz
Origin: Pokemon Red and Blue
Games: Pokemon series, Super Smash Bros. series
Company: Nintendo
Won: Clank
Lost: Mega Man
Fun fact: The name Pikachu is a portmanteau of the Japanese words pikapika, an onomatopoeia for electric sparking, and chu, which is the Japanese onomatopoeia for a mouses squeak.

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#45

Location: Tristram

In what seems to be a regular medieval town, the archbishop Lazarus watches from the window of his cathedral how the inhabitants of Tristram walk down the streets, going on with their measly, insignificant lives. Once a holy man of God, Lazarus sneers at the bypassers as he turns around to face a lively bonfire which happens to reflect a devil face in the flames: that of the Prime Evil of Hell, Diablo!

Lazarus drops on one knee before his new, evil master, My Lord, all these souls in this town await for you to recruit them into your army of darkness, and finally allow you to take over the world!

Diablo thinks about it for a while, then replies in his ominous voice, Yeah, well, Im certainly not gonna do it under the CONVENTIONAL waysyou know, heavy metal music, Teletubbies, World of Warcraft, the Internet.I gotta do this my OWN way, ya know what Im sayin? Be my old evil self, and not subject myself to the perspective of the common folk.

Lazarus hastily stands up, But, master! You have been trapped in the Soulstone for so long! Dont you think you need to be liberated and cause some havoc from time to time?

Certainly, man! But I dont want people to just say that Oh, here comes the devil, with his big red horns and his huge ass pitchfork, hes gonna do some evil wicked stuff. No man, I gotta be totally unexpected, like coming out of left field, and then BAM! Scare those motherfuckers out of their pants!

Lazarus raises an eyebrow, My Liege, I dont think such a plan would work.

You think so too, huh? Yeah, its a tough crowd nowadays. People dont get scared about SHIT now. Think its too much CGI? Back when they were using corny special effects, the message went through, but even with photo realistic technology, the spirit just isnt there! What about the good times, eh?

Ummm.Master?

Yeah, what is it?

I have a charity event right now, so I gotta go. If I catch some kids running about, Ill be sure to rip their livers out and offer them in sacrifice to you, hows that?

OK, sounds great, dude! You have the right idea! Make me proud and bring me those little bitches! ROCK ON!

As Lazarus puts his holy garments on and exits the cathedral, he just rolls his eyes, Man, even the devil himself gets bitchy all of a sudden. Now, who am I gonna worship?

Name: Diablo
Sponsor: fatherbrain
Origin: Diablo
Games: Diablo II
Company: Blizzard Entertainment
Won: Haruhi Suzumiya
Lost: Demitri Maximoff
Fun fact: Rumor had it that in the first Diablo game, there was a cow level, which in fact, never existed (kinda like the Sheng Long code from SF II). It did eventually make its way to Diablo II, with your character fighting against hell bovines (kinda like how Akuma was made from all that Sheng Long mess).

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#16

#44

Location: Las Vegas, Nevada

At a famous nightclub in the very popular Las Vegas strip, surrounded by tons of bright neon lights and shiny signs, tons of photographers and the occasional paparazzi swarm at the red carpet in the entrance as soon as a white limo pulls up. Lights flash off like crazy as a sassy catwoman steps out of the limo and waves to everyone in attendance. Its the famous musical star, Felicia, who poses for the cameras a little bit, then rushes into the club and translated to a private lounge.

Felicia lets out a sigh of annoyance as she drops her purse and her mink coat, Geez, what a bunch of pricks. Hasnt Miley Cyrus walked out naked this week yet?

Felicia hears a couple of guitar strings being played erratically behind her, which would probably creep out everybody else, but not to Felicia, who seems rather more infuriated, RAPTOR! Stop being all random and creepy, will ya?

Lord Raptor, the erratic Aussie rockin zombie, stops grinding on his partially-alive electric guitar, and frowns, Well, EXCUUUUUUUSE me, princess! Maybe if you would dedicate yourself more to your musical career, I wouldnt be washed up like this! I need some music in my life, ya dig?

Hmph. You have been pretty much washed up ever since the Darkstalkers series got canned. You should branch out and be doing more with your life, for real! Wheres my dosage of coke?, Felicia demands as she searches her purse.

Sheesh.you only appeared in MvC 2, and youre already feeling like high maintenance. Not even Anakaris had such a power trip.

Yeah, but Anakaris doesnt have a set of THESE!, Felicia claims as she points at her breasts. Thats what makes me different than you and the rest of you DS hasbeens.

Ahhhh yes.the sex sells oxymoron. I bet that would apply pretty well for your sex tape with Jon Talbain. Now that shit was NASTY!

Felicia snorts out some coke from her nose, Yeah, well, I was pretty wasted that time, OK? I was under some emotional crisis due to my break-up with Queen Bee, all right?

Raptor shakes his head, Why go to the other side when you have legions of men begging for your pussy, I will never know.

Hah, bunch of fuckin furries, the whole lot of em. Oh, why is my life so trash? The showbiz is a frail mistress. FRAIL, I SAY!

Raptor looks visibly concerned, Hey, hey.now dont go around popping in those pill cocktails or puking up everywhere and shit. Cleaning up your mess is about as nasty as cleaning your litter box!

I CANT STAND IT! I JUST WANT TO DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEE!

Suddenly, Felicia grabs an electric shaver, and starts doing a number on her head.and her arms.and the rest of her body, for that matter. Bundles of hair fly everywhere as Raptor stares in disbelief, and after about 20 minutes of shaving, Felicia finally looks in the mirror in her newfound bald glory.

Ahhhhh.its a new me, doncha think? Finally, FREEEEEE from the restraints of society!

Raptor smacks his forehead, What is this, Sleepwalkers? This is too oddballs for me.

Name: Felicia
Sponsor: Sinistar71
Origin: Darkstalkers The Night Warriors
Games: Darkstalkers series, Vs. series, Pocket Fighter, Super Puzzle Fighter II Turbo, SNK vs. Capcom: Card Fighters Clash series
Company: Capcom, SNK
Won: Lina Inverse
Lost: Brock Samson
Fun fact: Initially, Felicia was intended to be the sexy female of the Darkstalkers series, whereas Morrigan would be the cute female. However, as both designs fleshed out, it became clear that Morrigan would have a more sexy approach, so Felicias design was altered accordingly.

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#43

Location: Osaka, Japan

In the wake of yet another King of Fighters tournament, the streets of Osaka are filled with enthusiastic fans, willing to see their favorite fighters in competition! Separated from the audacious crowd by a police barrier, the squealing fans roar everytime they catch a glimpse of a famous warrior pass on by. However, no reaction is made when a slender lady wearing a purple Japanese schoolgirl uniform and a mouth scarf. One of the fans whispers:

Doesnt that lady look conspicuously like Iori?

Another fan just bursts in rage, Dont you ever say that! Iori is so damn cool, why would he feel the need to dress in drag??? Youre sick, dude! A VERY DISTURBED INDIVIDUAL!!

As the argument continues in the crowd, the ever-so-enigmatic Miss X continues to slither her way into the female dressing room, where the conspiring female chuckles to herself, NowIll finally figure what in blazes do the women always speak in the bathroom about! And more importantly, why do they NEVER go alone? I have to figure that out!

As Miss X peeks around the corner, he finds Athena Asamiya, Mai Shiranui, and Yuri Sakazaki speaking amicably amidst each other, each of them dressed in their battle outfits, ready to give it a go. They all seem to be in high spirits and ready for action, as they smile and laugh.

.So yeah, Kensou is just standing there, mumbling like a fool, but even though he looks like a complete nerd, hes just so cute when he blushes!, Athena confesses with a giggle.

.Oh yeah? Well, even though Andy never wants to commit, I got the guy by the balls everytime I pull a fake baby trick on him!, Mai shamelessly comments as she covers her face with her fan.

Athena raises an eyebrow, Dont you guys use birth control? That guys consciousness is SOOOOO messed up!

Mai chuckles, Yeah, isnt it great?

The trio joins in a sound laugh, and once they calm down, Yuri catches her breath and comments, Well, for my Robert, he is…RICH!

Mai taps her folded fan against her thigh, .and?

What do you mean, and? Does something else matter?

I guess not!, Mai laughs off, and is soon joined by the other two females as Miss X just stands there, in disbelief.

What ARE these trivial matters? They are nothing more than cackling hens! What a waste of time! Im soooooo grateful I dont mix with any of the KOF bimbos. Those bitches are damn crazy!

But Miss Xs deep voice gives her away, as Mai, Athena, and Yuri advert of the peeping Tom. Hey, who are you, slick?, Athena comments with a pout.

Miss X suddenly grows instantly nervous W-Who.m-m-me? O-oh, Im n-n-new in this.tournament.and I was just wondering.w-w-w-where can I get me some tampons?

Mai inspects Miss X from heads to toe, Saaaaaay.you look awfully familiar, doncha think, ladies?

Yuri strokes her chin as she catches a glimpse of Miss X, Yeah, that red hair.and that ample shoulder.could it be.?

No, it cant! Bye!, and with that, Miss X just darts out of the room like a rocket. Once outside the dressing rooms, Iori removes his mouthpiece to catch some breath.

Damn these women and their attempts to overthrow us! But someday, after I kill Kyo, I will come back and.

But Iori instantly loses his breath after he notices that indeed, his rival, Kyo Kusanagi, was just walking along as he catched wind of Ioris weird fashion taste. Iori is at a loss for words as Kyo looks at him in utter shock.

Ummmmmmmm.its not what it looks like, Kyo! I swear.this is not really ME!

Kyo looks at Iori with some disdain, You know, Yagami.I thought your obsession with me was just delirious, but right now.damn, you crossed the line. You crossed the line HARD, good sir! GOOD DAY!

Kyo turns around and runs off without looking back. Iori sighs, looks down, and then stretches his dress.

I must admit…I DO look damn fine in purple, yeah baby!

Name: Miss X
Sponsor: angelpalm
Origin: SNK Gals Fighters
Games: SNK vs. Capcom Chaos (appears as Ioris female transformation by Demitris Midnight Bliss super)
Company: SNK
Won: Miles Tails Prower
Lost: Karin Kanzuki
Fun fact: It is pretty funny how Iori/Miss X tries to hide from the wrath of his former teammates (Eiji Kisaragi, Billy Kane, Mature, and Vice) by wearing some silly sunglasses in SNK Gals Fighters. This game REALLY reveals a humorous side to Ioris usual dark self.

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#43

Location: Kagatsuchi

Underneath a huge plate, above which humans happily live without a care in the world, are the slums of Kagatsuchi, where a tribe called the Kaka inhabitates. Usually composed of lycanthropes, a single member has emerged to try and make things right for her people, to earn the money necessary to achieve her goals. To do so, she must defeat Ragna the Bloodedge and win the prize.

This is what the young Taokaka is set out to do. But before she does so, she goes to a local clinic and visits a pretty famous doctor: her name is Litchi Faye Ling. She dresses pretty scantily to be a doctor, but Taokaka pays it no mind.

Taokaka sits on the doctors table as Litchi writes down something on her notepad. Taokaka scratches her head, …So, they say you can tell what people really need by just looking at them, eh?

Litchi smiles, Yes, and I can tell from the likes of you, that you are looking for money to remove the plate above your peoples town, eh?

Taokakas beady little eyes almost open twice as wide, .WOW! How could you tell that?

Litchi places the tip of her pen near her mouth, Well, lets see.everyone needs money these days, so thats a no-brainer. And secondly.the city above DOES cover up quite a bit of space, but hey, that means the rain cant get ya, huh?

Taokaka grinds her claws against the table, Yes, but my people would like very much to see a starry sky someday. I will make it happen! I just have to beat this Ragna character, and everything will be settled!

Oh, really? That sounds a lot easier than what it really is. Ragna is no joke, if you plan to beat him so easily based on such a poetic ideal…

Taokaka springs up from her sitting position, getting all in Litchis face, Taokaka will do it! Taokaka will do it for people! You just see! Taokaka is AWESOME!

Litchi looks around, Uhhhh.OK, but before I do thatI gotta heal you of all those wounds that freak with the insects did to you, right?

Taokaka does not notice that indeed, her legs are filled with insect bites and rashes, and slowly slithers back to the table, Uhhhh.yeah…sorry bout dat.

Litchi smiles again, and takes out her medications, thinking to herself, You should know your importance very soon…

Name: Taokaka
Sponsor: Sinistar71
Origin: BlazBlue Calamity Trigger
Games: –
Company: Arc System Works
Won: Yoruichi Shihoin
Lost: Rob Lucci
Fun fact: Not much to say here, except that Taokakas design strikes me more as creepy than actually cute. Yikes!

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#41

Location: Giha Village

After several wars have ravaged the earths surface, the people of the planet had no other choice but to live underground, where risk grows exponentially as villages underground are in danger of being wiped out by earthquakes or landslides. Down here, people continue to dig down like moles, and who knows what secrets the earth lies beneath.

Meanwhile, in a shooting range at Giha Village, one of said underground towns, Yoko Littner, a scantily-clad young lady, shoots some beer cans standing on some wooden posts in the distance with the accuracy of a hawk with her sniper rifle. Sometimes, it doesnt even really take her that much aim. She just points and shoots, and the cans go flying. She is soon joined by her small friend, the always shy digger Simon.

Yoko smiles as she shoots a can again, Hey, Simon! Whats up, little man?

Simon cant avoid having his face turn beat red, H-Hi, Yoko. I see youre practicing your shooting.as usual.Dont ya think youre good enough?

You can never tell, squirt. All these beasts lurking about, you cant afford to be careless! Thats why I gotta refine my skills.

Are.your gun skills.all that is important to you.?

Yoko lowers her rifle and turns at Simon with a compassionate look, Of course not, silly. I care for everyone that lives here.and you, too, of course.

Simons face now virtually fumes, R-R-R-Really? You really mean that?! Am I really that important to you.!

Why, sure, little man! Why wouldnt I? Youre my best friend in the whole world, after all!

Simon cant stop hearing bells in his head as he thinks to himself, WOW! She must really, really like me! Ive been fateful to her all this time! Surely it mustve paid off! Now, I must move in and.

Then Yoko goes back into her aiming, and blurts out, But your brother Kamina is the MOST important person to me.

Suddenly, Simons bells becomes the sound of shattering glass, as he seems dumbstruck, Uhh.come again?

Yeah, you know, KaminaI think Ive fallen for himhe is just so dorky, hes cute! And hes always so apassionate about everything…

But.he has told you off several times, and been so rude, and.

Sorry, kid, but thats the way it is! Love is just like thata whole Russian roulette of emotions! Youll know someday.

Simon slaps his forehead so hard, Damn, friend zoned at such a young age? This is gonna do WONDERS for my self-esteem.

After turning away, and walking a bit, Simon thinks, Maybe I should dig a hole empty enough for me to sink under.

Simon walks into the distance as Yoko keeps firing at the cans, a sweet sound for a broken heart.

Name: Yoko Littner
Sponsor: Windlord0
Origin: Gurren Lagann manga/anime
Games: Gurren Lagann
Company: Konami
Won: Cham Cham
Lost: Terry Bogard
Fun fact: After the first season, Yoko goes from being a wild gun-totting lady to an elementary school teacher in a matter of no time. Of course, you cant keep a good gun down, so she soon returns to action.

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#40

Location: Abiad

A rural village sits peacefully in a quiet valley, where the country folk pace around, leading their normal lives of being farmers, with no care in the world. The mountains stand tall, the sun shines down brightly, the wind blows refreshinglyand conspiracies are going down on how to take over the kingdom of Darien! Gathered within a secret meeting place under the guise of a barn, were the four children of missing King Garacaius to see who would seize the land.

Elsin of Aramon struck his fist against the wooden table, shaking all the cups atop it, Here ye, here ye, my fellow siblings! This is not the time and place for us to discuss this! We should settle for a peaceful arrangement to seek the equal distribution of our fathers lands!

Kirenna of Veruna simply laughs it off, If it were THAT simple, we would not be gathered here, o brother of mine. Its all or nothing now! Monarchy is just that cool!

Thirsha of Zhon shakes her head, I guess that means we should move ALL our troops, do battle with each other, until the kingdom is reduced to ashes simply by our ambition. I guess whoever wins, everyone else LOSES!

As the three brothers argue with one another, they realize they had passed on the fourth sibling: Lokken of Taros, who just fiddles around with his sword until he notices all eyes being placed on him.

I was just suggesting a game of backgammon.then again, JUST SAYIN!

Kirenna stands up and objects, Heritage is of no consecuence! Only the strongest one shall remain standing!

Elsin raises his arm in objection, Then, my skilled magicians shall take care of the company! Their dark magic shall make the heavens TREMBLE and the earth ERUPT in flames!

Thirsha cuts off both of them, My impressive arsenal shall make a rain of arrows fall upon you, just like when we were young and had to joust in order to shotgun the bathroom!

As the other 3 brothers discuss, Lokken merely steps out of the barn calmly, without anyone even noticing. After he does so, he looks up and nods at someone. Shortly after, the barn gets crushed by huge flaming rocks having been launched by catapults! As wood and stone fly everywhere, Lokken just takes a deep breath and smiles:

Politicsthey never get anywhere! Men of action always get to fuck the prom queen, baby!

Name: Lokken
Sponsor: Warpticon
Origin: Total Annihilation Kingdoms
Games: –
Company: Cavedog Entertainment
Won: Agrias Oaks
Lost: Abraham Lincoln
Fun fact: Its pretty amazing how this game still has a pretty solid fanbase despite the fact that their creators (Cavedog) have tanked ever since and the online feature being disabled as a result. I guess that when a passion gets that big, it kinda lingers around.

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#17

#39

Location: Gotham City

Deep within an abandoned amusement park (why everything in Gotham seems to be abandoned, I will never know), in the confinement of a rundown fun house, a woman dressed like a harlequin (actually named Harley Quinn) prances around, twirling like some warped ballet dancer, picking up some still-edible remains of popcorn and hot dogs from the trashed stands on a rather banged-up platter, and not before long, she serves the rather haphazard mess to a man who looks like a clown, but with a very disturbing aura to him: the Clown Prince of Crime, the Joker!

Here ya go, Mr. J, compliments of the house!, Harley proudly states as she kisses her fingers in an exquisite fashion. But the Joker remains oddly silent and deprived of his trademark evil grin, as he just fiddles around with a marble on the table. Harley blinks in disbelief, Is everything all right, Mr. J? You allergic to popcorn or something?

Joker flicks the marble far away with a simple motion of his fingers, Isnt it just SICKENING, Harley, how everyone seems to be riding on my coattails all of a sudden? The Internet just DESTROYED one of my classic lines, wrestlers and rock singers alike come out in MY attire, and every criminal out there wants to hop along on the comical insantiy bandwagon. I invented this trend, and by God, I should be the one upholding it!

Harley pumps her fists, Yeah, Mr. J! But.that simply demonstrates your influence not only in the criminal underground, but also in pop culture as a whole! Your face should be in, like.the $30 dollar bill or something!

The Joker stands up, and paces around with his hands behind his back, Bah, who cares? Maybe I should give my gimmick a turn, maybe I should become a VERY serious assassin and just kill everyone and leave roses or some other trademark stuff by the bodies, or do you think thats a little bit too overdone?

Harley makes a disgusted frown, Not only that, Mr. J, it TOOOOOOTALLY doesnt fit your style. Why resort to be generic villain no. 329010020?

The Joker rubs his chin in deep thought, then spots a couple making out at ground level just outside the fun house, by the roller coaster. The Joker narrows his eyes, then his patented insane smile flashes on his face once more, as he pulls out his uber-long revolver, takes aim, and fires straight at the head of the female, which in turn, also pierces the mans brain, too. The couple falls to the ground in such a way that the man sits on the floor with his legs open, and the females head falls atop his crotch.

The Joker laughs uncontrollably as he gazes at the dead couple, Now THAT is what I call giving some head! HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH!

Harley claps, Finally! Youre back, Mr. J!

The Joker blows the smoke off the barrel of his very long revolver, First, dinner. Second, breakfast. Then, just maybe, the WORLD! HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH!

The maniacal chuckle of the Joker revibrates throughout the empty halls of the amusement park, as a warning sign for ALL of Gotham City!

Name: The Joker
Sponsor: fatherbrain
Origin: Batman comics
Games: Batman series, Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe
Company: Sunsoft, Konami, Ubisoft, Travellers Tales
Won: Tenten
Lost: Deadpool
Fun fact: Although he may appear AND act insane, the general theory regarding the Joker is that he is actually a genius and decides to act the madman part out of amusement. His main purpose apparently (aside from perpetually antagonizing Batman) is to simply squeeze a laugh out of the ever-so formal Batman.

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#38

Location: Mamiya Village

In this crazy, post-apocalyptic world, where everything seems to be just a barren wasteland rampant with huge and disgusting thugs, a small village stands on where a nice, peaceful town used to be. Even though salvaged from the ruins, this town, leadered by the courageous Mamiya, still has its comfortable tone to it. Despite appearing tired and bothered, the villagers also seem intent on moving on with their lives.

In one of the improvised huts, a young lady, known as Airi, is seen putting some towels in hot water, as a man lies in bed, looking to be completely condemned. He is Rei, the Star of Justice, and just a few hours ago, he went up against the much feared Raoh, and got away from it with a death sentence on his back. As Airi tends to her brother, her eyes fill with tears.

Brotherplease dont leave me. Who is going to tell me stories of their adventures after youve gone?

Rei smiles, and puts a hand on his sisters face, Dont worry, Im tougher than this. They wont get to me so easily. I still have some ways to go before I die.

But.brother.!

Rei slowly gets up from bed, Im fine, look! I can still move! Raoh will never see me fall! I will promise you this as much, Airi.

Reiplease listen.

Rei then painfully gets up and starts walking to the window, Airimy dear sister. Before I goI want you to see the world with me. Something beyond this dump, this dead land. I want you to see the green pastures, the vast blue sea, the snow-covered mountainsit will be a glorious trip for us both, Airi

Airi seems to be looking down, Brotherwhat Im trying to say is.

But before she knows it, Rei is already outside of the hut, on the streets, giving a speech for the few ears that would pay any attention to him, And then, we can rebuild this village to its former glory, become a haven for weary wanderers, where not violence but peace will reign, and we can forget our killing ways, to finally find the true blessing that life will bring us!

Getting pumped up by his newfound vigor, Rei suddenly feels his arm being tugged by his sister, Airi, who now seems annoyed, BROTHER!

Uhhyes?

Kenshiro said you only have 3 days to live! So why dont you rest and put your silly dreams away?

Even in this God-forsaken land, crickets can be heard chirping, as the villagers shake their heads and leave. Rei is left dumbstruck.

Well.fuck me!

Name: Rei
Sponsor: cain[e]
Origin: Fist of the North Star manga/anime
Games: Fist of the North Star series
Company: Enix, Sega, Toei, Banpresto, Bandai, Arc System Works
Won: Starkiller (The Apprentice)
Lost: Wolverine
Fun fact: Despite being mortally wounded by Raoh and given only 3 days to live (and a new hair color to go with that death sentence, go figure), Rei still musters enough strength to go ahead and beat up his rival of the Fang Clan, Juda, before kicking the bucket. Fist of the North Star characters always die like troopers.

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#37

Location: Shibuya, Japan

In which could be considered a typically busy and bustling Japanese region before, nothing but silence and tranquility now reigns in Shibuya. Barely a sound can be heard through the empty streets as the wind howls through the buildings, cars being stranded in the streets, and pieces of paper flying everywhere. In the middle of a usually packed crossroads, a single sassy woman stands pretty full of herself.

Ahhhhnothing like some peace and quiet after days of car horns and insults. This town should thank me for relieving them of such stressful days, with my sleeping spell!

Saya stretches out, and out of sheer boredom, shoots a nearby empty car to pieces. She laughs out as the bullets rip through the hood and windows, This is just WAAAAY too fun! Road rage without the legal backlash! I LOVE IT!

But at that moment, a familiar figure, similar to her, emerges from behind a parked truck, and aims at Saya, Thats as far as you go, Saya!

Saya turns around to come face-to-face with Xiaomu, a fellow werefox who also likes to tot guns, flirt, and overall be extremely sexy, Why, hello there, little one! You sure did take your timeI already did a number on this city, so dont go ranting on how youre gonna stop me.

But Xiaomu is not losing aim at her rival, Oh yes, Im gonna stop you alrightstop you from doing the same thing all over Japan! This is just desserts of what you did 10 years ago!

Saya rolls her eyes, Youre still bitter about that? If I said I was sorry, would you let it go?

Xiamous face boils an intense red, Of course not, you hag! By the end, I mean you will die here! By my hand, no less!

Saya shakes her finger in a no-no fashion, Tsk tskif thats the case, I should call for some backup! KATANA! Come here!

A strange-looking lady comes from within a nearby store, and Xiaomu stares at her, Who is SHE?

Dont you know? Shes my clone.

Xiaomu raises an eyebrow, She certainly looks NOTHING like you.

Well, clones dont necessarily have to be carbon copies of oneself. They just need your genetic code, and youre good to go!

Xiaomu shrugs, So why do I care?

Saya and Katana embrace one another in a rather suggestive manner, Well, there is NOTHING we dont do apart. We do EVERYTHING together.I believe you know what I mean.

Saya spanks on Katanas ass, which startles Xiaomu, but almost immediately slaps some sense into her, Im not falling for that cheap porno trick! That may work against horny teens, but not me! So youre coming with me!

Saya and Katana frow in the exact some way, Oh, youre no fun! Well see if youre in the mood, next time!

Saya and Katana dance around each other, and before Xiaomu can realize whats going on, they both have vanished from her sight. Xiaomus partner, the heroic Reiji Arisu, runs to her side, Hey, Xiaomu! You OK?

I guess so. Why do you ask?

Well, I saw you discussing with that Saya chick, and I realized you were talking some sense into her, and.

Xiaomu looks down in shock, Reiji, why is your zipper down?

Uh? AAAH! Well.n-n-nothing r-really, hee hee. Y-you wouldntunderstand. Its am-en thing! OK? Bye!

Reiji runs out of sight, as Xiaomu shakes her head, Men are all the same.

Name: Saya
Sponsor: Windlord0
Origin: Namco X Capcom
Games: –
Company: Namco
Won: Rei Ayanami
Lost: Chun Li
Fun fact: Saya is usually a flirting sassy lady, but she can also be pretty good with the nicknames, as seen with the protagonists of the game she calls Reiji Arisu boy and Xiaomu little one, and rather sees them as pets.

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#36

Location: Saturn Valley, Eagleland

In a placid valley hidden deep within some mountains is a small town where everything seems to be shaped round like flying saucers. And if you thought THAT was the strangest sight around here, the population consists of small beings (barely the size of a basketball) with round faces, big noses, whiskers, and small hairs sticking out of the top of their heads, all of them moving in strange motions.

It is in this bizarre location where the psychic children, Ness and Paula, arrive in their quest to defeat the alien Giygas before he gains enough power to conquer the world. Ness looks confused at the sight of the strange beings, while Paula seems quite frankly enchanted with such creatures.

AWWWWWWWW, Ness! Look at them! Arent they SOOOO cute?

Ness scratches his hair underneath his cap, If you say so. I quite frankly havent heard or seen these things before. Maybe theyre a new species?

One of the Mr. Saturns turns around to the young couple, and just jumps up and down erratically, OH! Strangers, zing! Have you come to our annual dance festival, zoom zoom?

Paulas eyes lighten up, Ooooh, dance festival?! I LOOOOOOOVE dancing! Dont you love dancing too, Ness?

Ness shrugs his shoulders, If you call what I do dancing. Mom always told me I looked like a blob of jello when I danced.

Another Mr. Saturn arrives, Excellent, Dakota! Come with us now, boing! The party is about to start, ding zoom!

All the Mr. Saturns congregate around a small plaza as Paula literally drags Ness along, as another Mr. Saturn stands on a rock overlooking the rest of the odd creatures to lead the bunch, All right, everyone! Ready to get it down, boing ding!

The rest of the Mr. Saturns dance and jump around in a non-organized fashion in what seemed to be a display of approval, as the host Mr. Saturn nodded in agreement, Very well, then lets begin!

The lone Mr. Saturn puts on a tape recorder, which instantly blares out, GONNA TAKE YOU FOR A RIDE.GONNA TAKE YOU FOR A RIDE.GONNA TAKE YOU FOR A RIDEGONNA TAKE YOU FOR A RIDE!

Ness frowns, Now THAT is something repetitiveif I hear that for just 2 minutes straight, I would probably go crazy!

But the Mr. Saturns dont seem to care as they now dance in a very organized fashion, as the music changes to, BEATS BEATS BEATS BEATS BEATS BEATS BEATS BEATS BEATS BEATSIN MY HEEEEAD!

Paula dances around in sync with the tune, This one isnt that much better, either.but the tune is so catchy!

The next track proves out to be more varied, MY HUMPS MY HUMPSMY HUMPS MY HUMPS MY HUMPS MY HUMPS.MY HUMPS MY HUMPS MY HUMPS…

Ness shakes his hands visibly irritated, Whats up with that song? It only speaks about women wanting money and material stuff! Can you get anymore blatant than THAT?

But the next track brings Ness right over the edge, DALE A TU CUERPO ALEGRIA MACARENA, QUE TU CUERPO ES PA DARLE ALEGRIA Y COSA BUENADALE A TU CUERPO ALEGRIA MACARENA.EEEEEEEHHHHH MACARENA!

Paula shouts in approval, YEEEAH! Now were talking!

Ness almost wants to chew his cap off, The Macarena? Man, that does it! Paula, were leaving now!

But, the song has barely starte—

WERE LEAVING NOW, BITCH!

After Ness and Paula leave, the Mr. Saturns look puzzled, I guess they were not that hip, zoom Dakota!

The DJ Saturn just shakes his head, Pitywe didnt get to show them our new song that is HOY FIYAH, BOING!

The new song proves out to be… IN-DES-TRUCTABLE!

All the Saturns nod, Niiiiiiiice.

Name: Mr. Saturn
Sponsor: quiche
Origin: Earthbound
Games: Mother 3, Kirby Super Star (as an item), Super Smash Bros. series (as a weapon and item)
Company: Nintendo
Won: Ted
Lost: Alien
Fun fact: The odd-looking writing which appears whenever a Mr. Saturn speaks is said to be based on the hand writing of the daughter of Earthbound designer, Shigesato Itoi.

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#35

Location: Mt. Fuji, Japan

At Japans traditional sight of its most famous mountain, surrounded by forests, a lake, and just a couple of ways away from Tokyo, a beautiful day can be enjoyed for a perfect day of sightseeing. Some people gather together as part of a tourist trip at the base of Mt. Fuji, as the guide proudly introduces himself.

Welcome everyone to Mt. Fuji! This here is a a beautiful mountain, a traditional landscape here in Japan, which used to be an active volcano until the end of the 18th century, it is considered one of Japans Three Holy Mountains, and.

As the guide gladly keeps explaining about Mt. Fujis history and appeal as if it were taken straight out of a book, a spoiled brat crosses his arms and huffs, This aint cool, dad! When I came to Japan, I wanted to see big robots fight! Pocket monsters battling it out! Kung fu matches to the death! Dont tell me the TV has been lying to me all these yearscuz the TV NEVER lies, dad!

The kids father, dressed in typical flower shirt and khaki shorts and carrying his camera around with him, turns around visibly annoyed, Now, thats enough, Billy! We didnt come here to see stereotypes. We are trying to have a nice family trip together, so be quiet!

The kid now sadly turns to his mother, MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!

The mother, dressed almost identically to her husband, also blatantly ignores her annoying son, Now now, Billy. Just sit back and let us hear what this smart young man has to say about the mountain.

Billy just stands there about to cry, when all of a sudden, the earth starts shaking, and a rumbling noise can be heard, as the father screams in shock, I thought you said this volcano was INACTIVE!

The guide, far from displaying his usual concern in these situations, remains disturbingly calm, as soon after, a HUUGE bird-like figure covers the sun like a sudden cloud had come to cover it. It was, indeed, a huge golden dragon with three heads and two tails flying right over Mt. Fuji right past them! The mother screams her lungs out as the father nervously points out, W-----W…What the FUCK is that?!?

Barely getting worked up from it, the guide explains, That is King Ghidorah, the King of Terror. It hails from Planet X, with the sole goal of global destruction. It can shoot lightning from its wings, has golden armor for scales, and his wings are said to create disastruous hurricanes.

One tourist points, Geez, only that?

The tourists scared complaints are once again subdued by fear when yet ANOTHER large flying creature passes on by, this time resembling a huge butterfly of sorts. Everyone now pretty much has their jaws on the floor and their eyes out of their sockets, as one tourist points out, And what the shit is THAT??!

Again, the guide seems to be hardly impressed by the parade of giant monsters, Oh, that is Mothra, who years ago decided to cocoon itself and just hatch on Tokyo Tower. Dont worry, shes friendly. Shes an environmental lover, and will do battle with King Ghidorah to the death, most likely destroying Tokyo in the process. Good thing I moved to Hokkaido, eh?

The father tends to the now fainted mother, as Billy pumps his fists in excitement, YEEEEEEAAAAAH! Now this is why I love Japan: senseless city destruction that wont even matter in a couple of months. GO JAPAN!

Name: King Ghidorah
Sponsor: Arcadefire
Origin: Ghidorah The Three-Headed Monster film
Games: Godzilla series
Company: Toho, Sega, Atari
Won: Zangief
Lost: Space Godzilla
Fun fact: King Ghidorah was brought to life on the movie screen by a stunt actor inside an elaborate three-piece costume, with a team of puppeteers to control the beast’s many appendages. Its alarming shrieks (a different ringing pitch for each of its heads) are among the genre’s most recognizable sound effects. Its design is due to special effects director Eiji Tsuburaya based on a minimal description in the script: “It has three heads, two tails, and a voice like a bell.”

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#34

Location: Beautiful Bay, Hanoi, Vietnam

As several wooden boats prepare to take sail on yet another fishing trip at sea, with the fishermen picking up their nets and preparing their baskets for the journal ahead, the sun begins to rise in the horizon, its orange hue covering the jungle that surrounds the small rocky hills that adorn the landscape. This mostly rural place would probably be the LAST location you would think of being somewhat modernyet a woman dressed in a peculiar suit, yellow shades, and a overdone red hairdo, speaking on a cell phone.

Yes, dear, I promise Ill be back for the weekend. Mommy has a special present for you, so dont you worry, honey! .yes, I love you too, baby. Good night, sweetie!

The secret agent Crimson Viper presses a button on her cell phone to hang up (much to the amusement of the locals) and smiles, but a female voice shakes her up a bit, My my, never knew you were the motherly type.

Without even turning around, Viper already knows the source of the voice, What, I cant catch a break without MI-6 breathing down my neck? Such a rude courtesy.

Emerging from behind one of the docked boats (again, much to the surprise of the villagers roaming around) is the Delta Red agent Cammy White, also dressed in some quite revealing garments, which sharply contrast the sober style of the fishermen around, You know, I never would have guessed you had kids. The world is so full of surprises! Mind telling me who is the kids daddy?

Viper fixes her shades, I think that is none of your concern, missy.

You dont know.or you cant figure it out?

Huh? What are you insinuating?

Weeelll.it has been bugging me for some time, so that is why I brought along THIS guy, who is said to be pretty good at figuring out this kind of stuff.

And enter Maury Povich! This kind of wrinkled talk show host comes and waves to everyone (who do not know who the fuck this guy is), and instantly walks up to Viper with a microphone in his hand, Sooooo.Miss Viperyou wanna know who the daddy of your little girl is? I bet that sweet, innocent creature would like to know where her dad has been all these Christmases.

Viper sneers, I KNOW who her dad isI just dont want to say! Whats it to you?!?

But Maury seems oblivious to Vipers snide remarks, Well, here we have the first candidate.CHARLIE NASH!

A classy military man wearing glasses and a weird hair style calmly walks in, Hey.

Cammy raises her eyebrow, Charlie Nash?!?! I thought you were killed with Bison when the Psycho Drive exploded!?

Yeah, well, death is a relative term in fighting games ya know, darling?

Maury puts up the microphone to Charlies face, So, do you think YOURE the father, Mr. Nash?

Charlie fixes his glasses calmly, Not a chancemy buddy Guile and I already have some trouble with some emo French dude who everyone claims is either my or his sonand I dont want to have anything to do with that! My kids wouldnt be such a whiny pussy to begin with!

Maury then pulls out an envelope and looks at the contents, Well, Mr. Nash, it seems.that youare NOT the father!

Charlie waves, Thought so.OK, let me go back to playing dead, and have everyone speculate if Im still alive.

Charlie leaves as Viper shakes her head in shame, but not before Maury brings in ANOTHER guest.the self-proclaimed demi-god, Gill! Gill comes out with his traditional robes on.

Cammy lets out a sigh of relief, Well, at least he isnt in his underwear.

Gill winks, Thats what YOU think, toots!

Viper shakes her head, I dont even wanna KNOW!

Maury now shoves the microphone in Gills face, Now, do YOU think you could be the daddy, Mr. Gill?

Gill looks thoughtful, Negative, kind sir. I also have the conspiracy theory that some wrestler schmuck called Alex is being claimed to be my son. I dunno why, Ive never been to NY! I just beat the guys mentor up, and all the theories go wild, MAN! He just wishes his DNA was scarred with my dignity!

Once again, Maury pulls out the envelope, and reads the contents, Riiiiiiight.well, Mr. Gill, it seems you.are NOT the father!

Gill laughs in amusement, Very well, simple mortal. I bid my leave, and KNEEL BEFORE YOUR MASTER! HAH HAH HAH!

Maury shakes his head, and continues, And our third contestant is old school! We havent seen him in a while, and we all know this could be his big chance at stardom! Lets welcome Mr. Joe!

The generic brawler, wearing nothing but red pants and sneakers, salutes everyone, and goes up to Maury, Yeaaaaaah, baby! Finally my time to shine! You know, I was supposed to be in Final Fight, but they dumped me in favor of that goldielocks punk, Cody! But I was cool, beat-em-ups are not my thing, ya know. But when my chance came for SFA 3, guess who jipped me again? THAT FUCKER CODY! Fuck that bum fuck! Now I can prove I am the dad of this babes daughter…huh?

But when pointing at Vipers direction, she is nowhere to be seen. Cammy just stands there and shrugs, ignorant of Vipers whereabouts. Maury seems to want to cut to commercial, as Joe slumps his shoulders in disappointment, Man, I can NEVER catch a break!

Name: Crimson Viper
Sponsor: Lobelia Mk. IV
Origin: Street Fighter IV
Games: –
Company: Capcom
Won: Alita
Lost: Noel
Fun fact: There has been some urban legends going on about the similarities between Crimson Viper and Captain Commando, like some of their normal moves animations, and some of their special moves too (Seismic Hammer being compared to Captain Corridor). Maybe CapCom is the daddy of Vipers daughter?

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#33

Location: Brooklyn, New York

TONIGHT, THE E! TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY PRESENTS: LUIGI, THE BROTHER IN SHADOWS!

A reporter is located at the outside a rundown apartment in an equally miserable building in the slums of Brooklyn. He does his best to focus on the camera, despite the sounds of kids crying, guns firing, and sirens blazing.

We are here in the WONDERFUL streets of Brooklyn to interview Luigi, the infamous younger brother to the insanely popular plumber Mario, and his sidekick in pretty much every adventure the Italian hero has engaged in. However, after years of living in his brothers shadow and having him take all the credit, the underrated brother has returned to his hometown, while Mario enjoys the spotlights in the Mushroom Kingdom.

The reporter knocks on the door, but when he does so, he discovers the door is semi-open, and decides to take a peek into the apartment. The instant he looms his head over the door frame, a fire blast almost scorches his hair! The reporter backs off suddenly and stumbles into the hall.

I SAID NO-A MEDIA, GOD DAMMIT!, a squeaky raging voice booms inside. The reporter collects himself, and dusts himself off.

Mr. Luigi, we come from E! Entertainment. We came to ask you a few questions about your life.

Silence fills the hall, until Luigi talks again, .You guys-a have come to take me to an episode of the Wild-a On?

.Actually, no. Were here from the E! True Hollywood Story. We want you to expose your life experiences with little to no decency at all.

A rather skinnier-than-usual Luigi emerges from behind the door, his face now sporting an untidy half-grown beard and wearing a wife beater, Come-a on in, ya snotty bastards.

The department itself reflects the setting alright: a huge mess comprised of scattered pizzas, mushrooms, fire flowers, and Koopa shells. A beatdown vacuum pack is seen lying down in the bathroom, as Luigi sits on his chair.

Well-a, we-a all know that I didnt hate my fratello Mario from the beginning. Why-a would we? We were-a carried in the same stork that-a brought us home! At-a first, it was OK to-a just be-a lookalike to Mario. I-a had to grow fat and all, but that-a was not important! I was excited to be along with my brother, having the great adventures!

Luigi takes a drink from his beer, But-a then, when Super Mario 64 was to be released, a huge-a breakthrough in the industry, I was-a left out of it! They-a even put that damn overgrown-a lizard, Yoshi in there, but they couldnt give me a damn cameo? And-a then they give me shitty stellar games where I-a suck some ghosts with a vacuum! It-a was then I grew severely bitter, and-a started to conspire to-a kill Mario!

The reporter writes something down on his notepad, And how did that come through?

Luigi scratches his hair under his green cap, Not-a too good. I was-a given mostly roles in-a sport games, so it-a was hard for me to achieve my-a plans unless I pulle a Tonya Harding.

The reporter chuckles a bit, I guess that means your plan to become #1 truly fell through.like your career! Hah hah hah!

Luigi takes one long chug from his beer, and frowns, And-a that means you will fall through the WALL, shit-a face!

Without as much as a warning, Luigi bolted out of his chair with a shooting headbutt that knocked the reporter the fuck out! Then he turns towards the camera, flinches, the signal gets cut off!

WE ARE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, PLEASE STAND BY!

Back in E!s offices, Bowser chuckles as he sits behind his desk, Now THAT is what I call entertainment TV! Mwa ha ha ha ha!

Name: Luigi
Sponsor: Remy Saotome
Origin: Mario Bros.
Games: Super Mario Bros. series, Super Mario World series, Super Smash Bros. series, Mario Party series, Super Mario Kart series, Mario Is Missing, Luigis Mansion, Hotel Mario, Super Mario Galaxy, Paper Mario series, Mario & Luigi series, Mario Golf, Mario Tennis, Mario Superstar Baseball, Super Mario Strikers
Company: Nintendo
Won: Waluigi
Lost: Rasputin
Fun fact: Luigis name was based on a pizza parlor located close to Nintendos headquarters at Redmond, Washington called Mario & Luigis.

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#32

Location: Munich, Germany

At an important convention of world leaders in Germany, the whole worldwide press is gathered at a very important conference, in which the presidents from around the globe will personally award Spider-Man for his achievements in the favor of mankind. The web-slinging hero kinda sticks out amidst all the suits in the place as he receives a medal amidst a blinding succession of flashes from the cameras. After all the hooplah ends, and Spidey is in the back doing some interviews, some screams can be heard backstage.

Attending to his spider sense, the wall crawler leaps into action, and finds several people frozen into stone, their shocked expressions still intact on their faces. After finding a couple of them scattered around, Spideys senses trigger, and he leaps up onto some boxes, as he barely avoids the grasp of the dreaded Grey Gargoyle.

Spider rests his head on his hand and shakes his head, So, um.Gargoyle, isnt it? Have you decided to come out of retirement now? Why against me, is anyones guess.

The Gargoyle shakes his fist at Spidey, Cuuuuuurse you, Spider Man! You have foiled my evil plans one too many times! I shall end your life once and for all, and I will have you STONED like the rest of these peasants!

Spidey cant hold back a chuckle at Gargoyles unintended pun, Oh, OK, Frenchie boy. I wonder how after so many years of failing, you intend to beat me NOW? Like, what new abilities have you gained ever since?

The Gargoyle is at a loss for words at that remark, None at all. But that doesnt matter, because this time I have RESOLVE! If someone so obscure like Shuma Gorath could get a second chance at success, why cant I?

The friendly neighborhood hero rubs his chin, Hmmm. You got a point there. But seriously now, you lame super villains should just hang it up. If you dont evolve, your doomed to obscurity and probably earn a role in some reality shows hanging around there.

The Gargoyle punches the pile of boxes on which Spidey is standing, Enough talk, fiend! I will put an end to your heroic nonsense!

Rather effortlessly, Spidey just flings a web at the Gargoyles direction, catches him, and then slam him against the wall several times before trapping him in a web cage and delivering him to the police. The Gargoyle just sits there and weeps.

Marvel is SOOOOO cruel to their underprivileged villains. Ill just sit here, touch myself.

and get himself HARD!, Spider Man butts in with a thumbs-up.

Name: Grey Gargoyle (Paul Pierre Duval)
Sponsor: Muff Daddy
Origin: Thor comics
Games: Marvel Ultimate Alliance
Company: Activision
Won: Charles Barkley
Lost: Mike Haggar
Fun fact: Despite being able to touch anything he can into stone, the Gargoyles ability seems to have no effect on magical objects, nor is he impervious to damage in his stone form (his arm was broken by the Hulk).

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#31

Location: Planet Zebes

On the surface of Planet Zebes, in the section of Crateria, several local hostile lifeforms are blasted into atoms by the arm cannon of Samus Aran, famous bounty hunter, expert in searching-and-destroying the scourge of the galaxy, namely the deadly Metroid race. Covered in her impressive battle suit, Samus jumps around quickly for a woman wearing such a hefty piece of armor. Once she arrives a higher ledge atop a cliff amidst an intense acid rain, Samus finds herself face-to-face against a nasty looking flying creature, intent on making Samus its next meal.

Samus aims her arm cannon at the monster, Say good night, freak.

But before she can fire her beam, the flying creature explodes into particles! Samus is confused until she notices another armored character wearing a green battle armor and what seemed like a bikers helmet (with a yellow visor) jump out from behind some rocks.

No sweat, baby.

Samus is dumbfounded at seeing a human besides herself on planet Zebes, Ummmexcuse me? Who the hell are you?!

The armed soldier waves back, My rank is Master Chief. I came here seeking for the Covenant. Have you seen those bastards around?

Samus scratches her helmet, Covenant? I dunno about that. I just came here looking for Space Pirates and their leader, Mother Brain.

Master Chief looks puzzled, Space Pirates? Man, I got dropped on the wrong planet again. That damn Sarge. What is a Mother Brain, anyway?

She is an overgrown brain in a canister.

An awkward moment of silence ensues before Master Chief blasts it, OKKKKKso an oversized brain in a canister is leading a bunch of bloodthirsty Space Pirates into a quest for galactic domination. That makes PERFECT sense!

Samus assumes a battle stance, Well, she is one cunning big-ass brain, Ill tell you as much. I totally dig that armor of yours, too. Guns dont look that shabby, either.

Master Chief reloads his machine gun, Yeah, thanks. That suit aint that bad, either. How bout we make some rounds, then take soe drinks with the rest of mah Spartan boys?

Sounds greatexcept that Im not a boyIm a woman.

Master Chief seems taken aback by this confession, No shit, are you kidding me?!

Nope. I would show you, but putting this suit back on is a bitch. And its tight on the rump, too.

Master Chief pokes Samus in the stomach with his elbow, That just made you 100 times sexier, you know that, cutey pie?

Samus points her arm cannon at Master Chiefs head, Dont push it, pal. I know for a fact that Im MUCH better lookin than your nerd ass.

Master Chief slowly gets back his composure, Well, you dont have to put it THAT waysheesh.

Up in the stormy sky, the flying pterodactyl-like creature Ridley, subordinate to Mother Brain, roars from afar, GET WITH THE PROGRAM, BITCHES!

Name: Samus Aran
Sponsor: Lobelia Mk. IV
Origin: Metroid
Games: Metroid series, Super Smash Bros. series, Super Mario RPG, Kirby Super Star (both as cameos)
Company: Nintendo
Won: Predator Warrior
Lost: Mars People
Fun fact: JUSTIN BAILEY was the password in the first Metroid series to allow you to play as Samus without the power suit. It is supposed to be read as JUST IN BAILEY, with Bailey being a British expression for the term underwear/bikini.

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#30

Location: Hope, British Columbia, Canada

In a common suburb town of Canada, by the mountainside, a simple man is cutting wood in his backyard, which gives way to an impressive forest that extends far beyond what the eye can see. He seems rather run-of-the-mill, yet his trademark mullet and multiple scars on his body are a living testament to the horrors he has been through. Such is the life of John Rambo, a Vietnam war veteran turned into quite the sociopath.

Rambo piles up the cut wood on a small stack next to him, as he hears steps from behind, but his usually-paranoid self remains calm as the man approaches. It turns out to be a rather old man wearing a tidy military uniform with a bunch of medals on his chest and a patented beret on his head. The man smiles as he sees Rambo doing his mundane chores.

My, my, John. It seems you really CAN lead a normal American life after all!

Even when his old friend Colonel Samuel Trautman speaks, Rambo seems to pay no mind as he carries the wood into a small cellar, YeahI try to adaptWeather is coolpeople are cooleven the TV programs seem to be cool.surprisingly.

Trautman removes his beret and tucks it under his arm, Im happy for you, John. Dont worry, Im not here to carry you off to some wacky mission in some God-forsaken part of the world.

Rambo takes out his combat knife, GoodI heard North Korea is all the rage these days. Not too fond of the food over there, but I guess you could nail a cheap hooker with your pocket change.

Having said that, Rambo chops off some logs with his knife, surprisingly making them good firewood as Trautman nods in impression, I would NOT know that, butthanks for the tip anyway, John. How bout we have some dinner tonight? Maybe a nice, fat burger?

Rambo nods, Yeah, I heard you can make some good stuff with some moose meat. I heard they roam around these places, so let me get some for you.

From aside the chopping board, Rambo suddenly pulls out his huge-ass machine gun, and starts mowing down the vegetation before him with a barrage of bullets that effectively break the peace and tranquility that reigns the land. As birds fly everywhere, Rambo peeks over his porch, and then slumps his shoulders, Would some dead squirrels abode well with you?

Trautman starts to sweat cold as he puts his beret back on, Sorry, John, squirrel meat with a healthy dosage of lead isnt really my thing. But serve yourself!

Rambo nonchalantly waves his hand, Nah, I was just on my way to mow the lawn. You know, the way we used to do it at Nam.

And with that, Rambo pulls out a grenade from his pocket, throws it into the woods, and a huge explosion reduces some trees to mere ashes, causing damage to other several! Trautman still stands motionless, although holding hard on his beret so it wont go out flying. The small wasteland that lies before him, and the smell of charred wood, makes the Colonel swallow a lump in his throat as police sirens are heard in the distance.

You know, John.I believe this whole civilized citizen gig isnt really your thing. We have a mission lined up for you in Iran, ASAP!

Rambo sadly throws the pin of his recently-thrown grenade, To fight war.you gotta become one batshit insane individual!

Name: John James Rambo
Sponsor: P. Gorath
Origin: First Blood novel
Games: Rambo series
Company: Ocean, Sega, Acclaim
Won: Nathan Rad Spencer
Lost: M. Bison
Fun fact: Rambo’s Social Security Number is 936-01-1758. However, the Social Security Administration does not issue a SSN with the prefix 936. Citizens in Arizona, Rambo’s home state, are issued SSNs with the prefixes 526-527, 600-601, and 764-765. This was probably done to avoid the chances that Rambo’s fictional SSN would match that of a real living person.

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#29

Location: The Hall of Eternium

In this glowing dome, a beautiful architecture even for the ultra-modern city of New New York, the lights are on bright for yet another spectacle of freakish proportions! The crowd gathers here not for another Yankee Stadium opening or a Black Friday on Fifth Avenue. Its the Psychic Show of Marvelous Wonder part IV (AAA need not apply). Amidst the colorful crowd of humans, aliens, and robots alike is a trio composed of all three species! The one-eyed babe Turanga Leela, the wise-cracking robot Bender, and the ever-so-dumbwitted Phillip J. Fry.

While Fry eats some nachos, Leela questions the purpose of said visit, I hope this isnt one of those religious pep talks where they cash in your faith for money.

Bender non-chalantly replies, Faith is just one of those things you losers mistake as legitimate chances at something totally impossible. Im just here to see these guys melt peoples brains!

Fry drops some cheeze off his nachos onto his shirt, and starts licking it off, Gotta lick it up before the flavor blends in with the fabric!

Bender nods, Although in some cases, its a lost cause.

As soon as the lights go off, the crowd goes crazy, and the evenings host emerges on stage, Hi, New New York! Its methe fourth android body of David Hasselhoff! After 7 talent shows, 3 parodies of Baywatch, 12 platinum CDs in Germany, and 44 reruns of Knight Rider, here I am in yet another TOTALLY irrelevant role to my career! Today, I bring to you the most important psychics that will blow your mind.literally!

After a round of applause, the host goes on to introduce his first two guests: Professor X and his apprentice, Jean Grey! The crowd again goes wild at the man in the floating chair, and his totally hot red-haired student. Hasselhoff walks up to the two psychic mutants, Hi there, X-People! Mind to tell us some of your exploits?

Professor X begins with his ever-so elocuent manner of speaking, I am capable of brain washing the entire planet in one thought, and even mind-wiped my old nemesis/friend Magneto into a state of total retardness. That, in turn, created Onslaught which…caused a lot of trouble for the whole world. Sorry, my bad.

Jean Grey waves, I have some cosmic entity called the Phoenix in me. It allows me to revive unlimited times.not like Marvel writers need that anyway, but I digress. It allows me to have countless variations of my own being, and let people live in their own damn worlds as long as I see fit.

Hasselhoff remains dumbfounded at the possibilities, That sounds pretty damn creepy, but I like it! And who can possibly be the third participant?

To the shock of many, its the Scarlet Witch! This enigmatic lady dressed in red looks pretty joyful, despite her reality-bending powers. Hasselhoff jokes around with her, Hey there, Witchy! You dont look like the witches I know.mainly, my ex-wife! Heh heh heh!

The Scarlet Witch merely brushes him off, Well, as most of you could testify too, I pretty much wiped the world off the majority of mutants in simply 3 words. Except I dont remember much about it.what were those words again?

Professor X and Jean persuade her otherwise, No no no, thats just perfectly fine!

Hasselhoff stands among the crowd, and exclaims, Well, any last words to say before the show?

All three guests nod and exclaim in unison, ALL HAIL THE HYPNO TOAD!

The exclamation then passes on to Hasselhoff, ALL HAIL THE HYPNO TOAD!

Then, the whole crowd starts chanting it too, ALL HAIL THE HYPNO TOAD!

In the streets of New New York, the phrase is just the same, ALL HAIL THE HYPNO TOAD!

As the Hypno Toad croaks and blinks on the sidelines, contemplating his masterpiece, Fry just sits there, eating his nachos, Whats with the staged number?

Name: Hypno Toad
Sponsor: ToyRobotTerror
Origin: Futurama animated series
Games: Futurama
Company: FOX Interactive
Won: Mew
Lost: Trevor Fitzroy
Fun fact: The loud noise made by the toad is a stock sound dubbed “Angry Machine,” which was originally used by the editors to remind themselves to replace it with a more appropriate sound effect,

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#28

Location: Port Town

In these peaceful series of islands, where seagulls chirp in the distance, the waves crashing against the shores, the sun shining in the blue sky.and slim space ships streaking past at over 300 MPH! This is is just a normal day in the racing courses of Port Town, as the F-Zero circuit continues to bring some intense emotions to the whole galaxy!

Leading the small pack so far is Dr. Stewart atop the Golden Fox, a cool and calculated doctor who has planned his moves well so far, based on the momentum of the race. He smiles calmly to himself as he makes a right swerve, Father.this time, victory shall soon be mine!

But his moment of glory is interrupted soon enough by the barge of another recognized competitor, the ever-so aggressive and bad tempered alien Pico, riding the Wild Goose, who laughs sarcastically at his recent manuever, HAH! Move over, Doc! Pico is SOOOOO gonna win this race, its gonna make Usain Bolt look like 56K!

As Pico and Dr. Stewart compete nose-to-nose on who shall win this tight competition, its the eternally famous Blue Falcon that jumps forth to the lead! Driven by legendary driver and part-time bounty hunter, Captain Falcon, the icon himself flashes a thumbs-up.

OK, precious. SHOW ME YOUR MOVES!

But just when Falcon seems poised to get the checkered flag, he notices something on his rear mirror that he honestly never expected to see: a gorilla wearing a red necktie driving a go-cart right next to him! Its D.K.: Donkey Kong! The primate makes some rambling noises as he chucks bananas at Falcon, which end up littering the tracks, and making Pico slip and turn several curves behind. Falcon looks back in awe, How is that even physically possible? Banana peels should NOT be that dangerous!

But before he knows it, Falcon has company when he notices the Blue Ranger, also mounted on some sort of racing cart, also flank him in the pack, as he waves at the bounty hunter, Dont look at me, I dont even KNOW how I got here in the first place! Zords are my kind of thing, not cart racing.

The Ranger is taken out by a missile, crashing and burning after being surpassed by his assailanta rowdy buff tiger ALSO driving a go-cart! This tiger seems more than enraged at something Falcon cant put his finger on.

TINY SQUISH PUNY CARS!

Falcon grinds his teeth as he clenches his hands firmly on the steering wheel, THAT DOES IT! Everybody thinks theyre a racer driver, eh? Time to show them the TRUUUUE meaning of racing! GTA MOTHERFUCKERS!

Falcon makes a sudden swerve to the right, and smashes Donkey Kong against the wall, sending the gorilla flying into the sea! Falcon fist pumps his latest action, before noticing that nitro crates are being chucked at him like crazy! Tiny Tiger is busy trying to take him out of the race instead of trying to win it! Falcon sneers as the liquid ruins the Blue Falcons paint job, You think thats funny, motherfucker?

The cockpit to the Blue Falcon opens up, and Captain Falcon stands on the nose of his ship, setting the mechanism on auto-pilot at the long-straight ahead. Before Tiny can figure out in his equally-small brain what Falcon is planning, the seasoned pilot rears his fist back, Falcon

With a swift move, Falcon punches the living daylights out of Tiny, sending him smashing against the wall, PUUUUUUNCH!

Falcon quickly gets back in the cockpit as he passes the finishing line, celebrating his victory, What, you thought this shit was NASCAR-tier? Think again, rednecks!

Name: Captain Falcon
Sponsor: Infernoman
Origin: F-Zero
Games: F-Zero series, Super Smash Bros. series
Company: Nintendo
Won: Ultraman
Lost: Michael Jordan
Fun fact: In order to distinguish the difference between Nintendos two stellar racing game series (F-Zero and Super Mario Kart), Nintendo producer Shigeru Miyamoto had the Super Mario Kart characters be 3 heads tall (to be able to fit in a cart), whereas the F-Zero characters were made seven heads tall (to fit in their racing ships).

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#27

Location: Longring Longland Island

In this ring of ten islands sitting on the ocean (of which none are connected amidst themselves, except for a bridge that links the islands that appears every once in a while), everything seems to be pretty calm in this neck of the woods, while at a local tavern in one of said islands, Admiral Aokiji drinks up in a small rest of his laboror so he would thought.

With his sleep mask put over his eyes, the tavern enters a small state of conmotion when several Naval officers enter the humble abode, followed by a fairly large man wearing a Marine uniform, complete with several proud medals on his chest and a strange gull figure atop his helmet. Its no other than Fleet Admiral Sengoku, supreme commander amidst the Naval forces, who addresses the relaxed Aokiji.

Sleeping on the job now, Admiral? Not very professional, I might say.

Aokiji lazily lifts his sleep mask and rubs his eyes, Oh, so you came around, Fleet Admiral? I was almost starting to lose my patience. Ive been waiting for hours on end now.

The bartender shouts from over the counter, Liar! Hes been here for just 10 minutes!

Aokiji cringes as Sengoku nods in a sarcastic fashion, Sohave you followed the track of the Straw Hat Pirates yet, Admiral? They have been a thorn in our side for quite a while now, and I want to see them behind bars as soon as possible!

Before Aokiji replies, he notices that his drink has become somewhat warm. He dips his finger into the glass, and using his ice powers, instantly makes the drink cold again, Yeah, well, they have been a slippery bunch, Fleet Admiral. Its hard to catch up with such an elusive bunch if they keep jumping between islands like this. My men just cant catch a break!

Sengoku grins sardonically, And I bet your lazy habits have nothing to do with that, either, eh?

Aokiji makes a frown as he takes a sip from his drink, I assure you.once I get my hands on those pirates.I shall have their frozen statues in your office by the end of the day. Of that much, I promise.

Sengoku nods in approval, I await the results, Admiral. For the time being, I bid my leave.

The Fleet Admiral and his lackeys leave the establishment as the rest of the onlookers go back to their usual habits. Then, Aokiji focus his attention on a barrel located next to him, and pokes it with his fingers, Hey, the coast is clear now, you can come out.

Emerging from the barrel is a rather tall, slim, and spunky young lady, who just so happens to be a member of the aforementioned Straw Hat Pirates, Nico Robin. She just so happens to be covered in a lot of filth and smells pretty funny as Aokiji makes an unpleasant frown.

Daaaaaamn, girl! Dont you know the meaning of a good bath every now and then?

Robin sneers at Aokiji, You idiot! You put me in the barrel full of animal visceras instead of the one with the fruit! Can you be any more DENSE???!

Aokiji laughs it off, Youre probably better off that way. Or would you rather come face-to-face with the Fleet Admiral and his men? Come to think of it, that wouldnt be too good for me, either.

Robin throws away a flesh remnant on her shouder, and suddenly changes her frown for a smile, AnywayI suppose I have to thank you about this.

No prob… Just remember, next time, it wont be so easy. I will be the one to get you, and when that happens, you wont escape.

Ill keep that in mind. Later, Aokiji!

Robin checks the surroundings, then makes her hasty retreat, as Aokiji is left laughing by himself, Womenthe downfall of ay pirateOR admiral!

Name: Admiral Aokiji
Sponsor: The Damned
Origin: One Piece manga/anime
Games: One Piece series
Company: Bandai
Won: Edgar
Lost: Cecil
Fun fact: The model for Aokiji’s face, is the late actor Yusaku Matsuda. The character the actor played in the TV series and movie “Detective Story” (Tantei Monogatari) even had a similar hairstyle and wore the same sleepmask design.

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#26

Location: Gusselshaft

High above the sky is an inmense flying fortress, which functions as the home and hideout of the infamous Bonne family, a pretty colorful band of air pirates that will go to any lengths in search for treasure. Unfortunately for her, only a single soul remains in the Gusselshaft, and that is the sole woman of the bunch, Tron Bonne. She is currently at her workshop, making some adjustments and fine tuning her Gustaff mech, with the help of a small group of Servbots, small maintenance robots of her own creation.

Miss Tron! Why the long face? Turn that frown upside down!, comments one of the Servbots on their masters condition.

Stupid Tiesel! Leaving me behind like this, but taking Bon along with him. He is gonna spoil that kid for sure, at this rate. I was really looking forward to getting me some zenny to go out shopping today!

One of the Servbots hands over a orange juice drink to Tron atop a platter, But.Miss Tron! Had you collected that bounty on Mega Man in the Heaven Clash tournament, you could have had enough zenny to buy the whole mall!

Tron flashes a chilly stare at her underling, Are you implying that I did not want to hunt down that coward Mega Man? Is that it? Are you going to get all up in my face for such a trivial matter?

The Servbot quickly cowers back, No Maam, not at all!

Tron lets out a deep sigh before getting back to work on the mechs guidance system, I dont know what you guys did to win it. That stuff is HARD! Random characters just edging out victories over CLEARLY superior beings. That totally escapes my logic! How did you guys do it??!

Several Servbots giggle in unison, That is because of our.special abilities!

Tron laughs it off, Oh? You mean your stealing capabilities, right?

Thats correct, Miss Tron! And just to assure you victory in the next Heaven Clash tournament, we have obtained a VERY special weapon, just for you!

Huh? For real? Then what are you waiting for?! SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!

Ipso facto, a horde of about 20 Servbots carry in a HUGE sword of enormous proportions, that can in no way fit in a normal humans hand. Tron gasps in utter amazement at the sight of such a massive weapon, HHow did you guys GET that thing?

We took it from some big robot composed of many kittycats! I think they called him Voltron or something.

It was really cool!, adds another Servbot, He would produce the sword out of his hands as if out of thin air, and then slices down beasts in one fell blow! With this, there is NOTHING you cant cut through, Miss Tron!

Tron promptly closes the maintenance hatch to her Gustaff, hops in the cockpit, and retrieves the Voltron sword, although even then it becomes quite cumbersome to wield, II think I can get a hang of it. TThis isnt so tough! Not even Mega Man could compete with this.

But Tron clumsily drops the sword, and since it falls tip-first, the sword cuts through the floor.and pretty much a quarter of the Gusselshaft is sliced off the main structure, dropping down to the ground below. Tron peeks at the crevice created by the sword, as the wind blows in her face freely.

Hmmmm. Do you guys think Tiesel will not notice this?

The Servbots seem exasperated, How couldnt they? But we can pass it off as a deployment door…

Yeah, lets do that! Man, EVERYONE needs a Servbot at home, Im tellin ya!

Name: Tron Bonne
Sponsor: Return of Shiki
Origin: Mega Man Legends
Games: The Misadventures of Tron Bonne, Marvel vs. Capcom 2 New Age of Heroes, Mega Man Battle Chip Challenge, Namco X Capcom, SNK vs. Capcom Card Fighters Clash series
Company: Capcom, SNK, Namco
Won: Android No. 18
Lost: Minato Arisato
Fun fact: One of Tron Bonnes siblings in the Mega Man Legends series is called Bon Bonne, who is said to be a genius baby in a fighting suit. The similarities between Bon and Captain Commando character Baby Head/Hoover are just uncanny (moreso since Bons only way of expression consists of saying Babu!, which is the same thing Baby Head says during his assist attack for Captain Commando in the Vs. series)

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#25

Location: Mining Town of Gollund

While a blizzard rages on outside the vast mountain range, the town of Gollund stands quietly amidst the white storm, lying peacefully at the very foot of a mountain, from which the town mines its resources far into the depths of the earth. Inside one of the many cabins imbedded on the mountain side, a single man with a small ponytail is writing down something on a paper scroll, of which he has already occupied several of them in what appears to be an extended writing session.

The door of the cabin opens and some of the potent gust that whistles outside barges into the warm cabin as Olan Durai, the sole inhabitant, stands up quickly in shock. A cloaked man appears beneath the doors frame, and Olan seems relieved as the man steps in and takes off the upper part of his cloak.

Father, you are finally here.

The man in question is none other than Cidolfas Orlandu, Olans stepfather and general of the Order of the Southern Sky, who shakes some snow off his cloak, Sorry, son, but I had to chase down andum disappear some Southern Sky deserters. Nothing major, really. Have you finished filing your report?

Olan shuffles his scrolls on the table, Yes, this report will point everything that has happened during these past few battles, and will let history be our judge, and not the biased heart of humans. Our heroic deeds shall echo in time, father!

Cid nods at the notion, I agreed. Im not all big on the conspiracy theories, but I believe that your knowledge will show people the truth of what really happened here. Any news about Ramza?

Olan rolls his eyes in a thoughtful manner, Last intel I received was that he was 3 days away from here. Something about walking his way through the world makes it seem too tiresome. I dont know how RPG characters can take that kind of beating!

Cid lets out a deep sigh as he removes his cloak, Well, once you are granted permission to use an airship, everything becomes just peachy. Its not too heavy on the gas thing, and its pretty damn fast! Only takes you MINUTES to cross the whole world. The REAL way to fly!

Olan nods, Yeah, let me put that in my report as well, it will be useful generic information for the RPG player!

Cid then cleans the sweat off his brow, OK then, Ill go heat up some water, take a nice hot bath, and probably have some hot chocolate as well. You want some?

Olan nervously nods, Uhhhh.yeah, in a minute, father! Just let me rearrange these scrollsI might have missed a page or two!

Cid raises an eyebrow, but just dismisses it and turns around, …OK, son. Ill be in the kitchen if you need something… And as he turns around, Cid looks weary, Why has Olan been so strange lately? Is he hiding something? Nah, Olan is too transparent. Hes not the type.

As Cid gets father away, Olan turns back to his scrolls, and after some more shuffling, finds what he had been looking fornaked drawings of Alma Beoulve! Olan seems shaky after seeing his own handmade paintings.

Ooooooh, Alma.nothing will ever separate us again. NOTHING!

Name: Olan Durai
Sponsor: AzN_Skater
Origin: Final Fantasy Tactics
Games: Final Fantasy Tactics The War of the Lions
Company: Square Enix
Won: Nrvnqsr Chaos
Lost: General Leo
Fun fact: Olan is also credited in Final Fantasy VIII as a psychic who modified the tarot cards for games, thus creating the card game Triple Triad.

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#24

Location: Sydney, Australia

The Land Down Under is visibly shaken as a huge iguana-like monster is making a huge mess walking down the city of Sydney as if it were its own personal playground, roaring and pacing about without a care in the world. People obviously run away in fear as the monster crashes against several buildings and stomping others into dust. As the oversized iguana continues its rampage, a couple of reporters inform from a helicopter overflying the action.

Well, its finally happeneda giant monster roaming around in Sydney! Considering that even the smallest creatures down here can kill ya, even a towering abomination like this seems kinda tame

The other reporter nods, It is said that this creature is looking for an island in which to lay its eggs in, kind of like regular iguanas, ya know?

That sounds pretty stupidas if there werent a thousand islands around Australia already! Why couldnt it pick, I dunno.New Zealand? Fiji? Maybe even Bali, considering its all the rage these days.

What was the name again?

I think they called it Zilla. Maybe because they named it like Godzilla, but considering he was half-assed, they gave him half a name, heh heh heh.

Anyway, this creature just seems to be causing some random destruction, and. ! Hey, what is THAT?

As the clouds above Sydney clear up, a huge beam of light shoots down from the heavens, and the earth shakes as another HUGE reptile emerges from the beacon of light! It resembles more like a huge lizard, but with several pink crystals coming out of its back. The monster seems focused on Zilla, as the reporters stare in awe.

Aw, man! Here comes a real monster mash, mate!

That monster actually seems like the REAL Godzilla, but not quiteshould we call it God?

Nah, I think we already have one of those.

OK, so how bout Space Godzilla, since it came from SPACE, how clever is that?

The other reporter looks at his colleague with some disdain, as the two colossal monsters engage in ferocious combat. After a while of tassling, Space Godzilla impales Zilla with its spiked tail through the stomach, and as Zilla writhes in pain, Space Godzilla charges energy through its tail, and basically zaps Zilla with heat energy, making the grown iguana go down in blood and flames. The two reporters remain dumbfounded.

Wow…that was it?

So much for a huge monster mash, eh?

I guess not EVERYTHING in America is made out of win, eh?

Yeah, especially a translation of everything that comes from Japan.

Then both reporters look at each other and give a high-five, BLIMEY!

Name: Space Godzilla
Sponsor: Lucretz
Origin: Godzilla vs. Space Godzilla film
Games: Godzilla Giant Monster March, Godzilla Save the Earth, Godzilla Unleashed
Company: Sega, Atari
Won: Anubis, King Ghidorah
Lost: Trevor Fitzroy
Fun fact: The concept behind Space Godzilla was actually originated from a video game! In the SNES game Super Godzilla, there was an alternate version of Godzilla where Godzilla actually had crystals embedded into him, thus creating the inspiration for what would later become Space Godzilla.

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#23

Location: Gekkoukan High School

With the classroom now empty just mere minutes after the bell has rang, the desks now remain empty, and the courtyard seems full of young students anxious to get home for the weekend. That is, all except for onewho remains sitting by the window, staring down at the legion of youngsters below. He seems no different from the others, except for his unusual (or maybe not) blue hair. His stare is indifferent at times, until another youngster peeks his head into the classroom.

Manyoure here STILL? I havent heard of a guy who would actually STAY at school after hours!

What little people know is that both the loudmouth student (Junpei Iori) and the silent type (Minato Arisato) are members of a special squad called SEES (Specialized Extracurricular Execution Squad), which handles the search and disposal of Shadows and other beings of the dark. They also excel in the usage of Personas, special spirits that assist them in combat.

Junpei playfully elbows Minato, Hey man, nice going on giving yourself a name! We were tired of giving you names like Emo Moe or Sad Sam. Seriously man, if youre gonna be a hero, its MANDATORY that you give yourself a name, rather than those makeshift BS names.

Minato lets out a sad sigh, I dont really care. People can call me whatever they want, its their prerrogative…

Junpei slumps his shoulders, Dude, cut that goth crap, it really is depressing. Rather than sulking in self pity, how about we go hunt some chicks tonight? Lots of hoes out there, fresh for the reaping! Not even the most frail emo boy would turn down a piece of POOTANG!

Minato lays his head against the window, Such trivial matters of the flesh. I care for them not. My goals are not so mundane.

Junpei crosses his arms, getting real frustrated, Yo, you sayin that you wouldnt KILL to see Yukari in a sexy mini skirt? Whats wrong with you, man? Being depressive doesnt neccesarily mean being gay!

Minato recoils himself in a fetal position, Oh, Aegis. Where are thou? I need you.

Junpei blinks in disbelief, What the FUCK?! You prefer a CYBORG over some real human meat? Man, thats just too fucked up. You go have fun with your mechanical blow-up doll. Me, Im off to get my GAME on! Till later, bitch boy!

Junpei salutes as he storms off, as Minato uses his Persona to actually lash himself in the back.

I CUT MYSELF TO FEEL ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!

Name: Minato Arisato
Sponsor: Warpticon
Origin: Shin Megami Tensei Persona 3
Games: –
Company: Atlus
Won: Kaku, Tron Bonne
Lost: Mega Man
Fun fact: Although in the game itself you can name Minato whatever you please (he actually has no name and is the token nameless RPG protagonist), he is named Minato Arisato in the official game manga, where there is a running gag in which he is frequently tired or bored (in reference to the games fatigue status aliment).

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#22

Location: Prage, Czech Republic

In this historic town of the old Eastern Europe block, not a soul can be seen on the streets. Some cars are flipped over, some buildings have some damaged walls, but for the most part, no sign of general panic can be seen. The streets almost seem TOO desolated, as two soldiers make military maneuvers through the wreckages. They hide behind each car or trash bin they can find. They are the two special soldiers from the Peregrine Falcon Squad, Marco Rossi and Tarma Roving, on a special mission to find the invaders.

Tarma takes a swag from his bottle of whiskey, Hey, I dont see any sign of Mordens forces anywhere around here!

Marco uses his binoculars to see into the horizon, You should know by nowwe face all sorts of threats by now. Military, alien, futuristic, supernaturalyou name it! Lets just hope theyre not so freaky this time.

The two old war buddies catch a glimpse of a shadow walking towards them from a wall in the distance. Each of them reloads their guns, as they wait patiently for the menacing figure to show its ugly head. And as it turns out to bewhat an ugly head it is! As it is a familiar face wearing a red jacket and a white glove! He spins around, holds his fedora hat, grabs his crotch, and lets out a high-pitched scream.

Marco opens his eyes up wide, almost dropping his gun, IIs that.?

Tarma even lifts his shades to get a better look, Its…Michael Jackson!

Indeed, Jacko does more spins, performs the alluring moonwalk, and strikes some nasty poses, as Marco and Tarma just watch in awe. What is probably the most confusing, is that Michael is soon accompanied by two octopus-like creatures with big mushroom heads and lots of tentacles beneath them. They stand by Jackos side, and they all seem to be talking in a language which, by human ears, are heard as mere bloops, gleeps, blaps, but to the Mars People, are heard as such:

Yeaaaaaaah, thats the ticket, Mike! I knew this was a perfect idea to send you down back in the 70s to sing those catchy songs! Now we have these humans, as they say, by the BALLS!, one of the Martians says with sinister glee.

Michael worringly touches his face, Butthe plan has some gripes! Why is it that I pass on as a black singer, but my skin keeps getting white? That has made no sense to the general public!

The other Martian wraps up its tentacles, Yeah, we have bee unable to reproduce the black skin accurately. It seems even their skin is bound to mess up! What a fuck up!

His Martian partner points a tentacle out, You know.thats pretty racist.

Of course it is! We hate the entire human race equally, dont we? And listen up, Mike. We need you to stop playing with the little human offspring. We know how you like to use those tentacles for recreational purposes, but we dont want to be exposed any further, OK?

Michael squirms in pain, AWWWWWW! But those little humans are SOOOO cute, I cant help putting my slimey little tentacles into their little tight.

One of the Martians rises in protest, ENOUGH! It wasnt meant to be used that way! So, lets get out of hereand no funny acts this time, Mike!

WOOOOOO! Whos BAD?

As the two Martians and Jackson walk away, Marco looks indifferent, You knowId like to say that I would be surprisedbut Im really not.

Tarma shrugs, Yeah, I think it was pretty damn obvious.

Marco puts his pistol away, Oh well, I was more of a Michael Bolton kind of guy, anyway.

Tarma frowns, Now THAT is pretty outlandish.

Name: Mars People
Sponsor: Muff Daddy
Origin: Metal Slug 2
Games: Metal Slug 3, Metal Slug 6, SNK vs. Capcom Chaos, Neo Geo Battle Coliseum
Company: SNK
Won: Goro, Samus Aran
Lost: Michael Jordan
Fun fact: Although their role in the Metal Slug series is actually that of antagonists, the Mars People work along with the players (AND Mordens army) to fight off a race of parasitic aliens, which like to feed off the Mars People. Thats a whole lot of backup, eh?

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#21

Location: St. Poplar

At the lobby of a certain luxorious inn, a man sits on a couch, sipping some coffee as he lays comfortably with his legs stretched out. His wavy hair conveniently covers up his face, which holds a rather distinctive leather mask, making his facial features a lot more sinister than what they really are. The malice in his eyes denounces his demeanor: the leader of the dreaded CP9 group, the evil Spandam.

However, the man who walks into the lobby is no better than Spandam himself. He wears a tidy suit under a long trenchcoat and a big hat. This menacing posture contrasts a bit with the cute pigeon on the mans shoulders, also wearing a smaller version of a suit, as he approaches Spandam, who smiles as the sinister man approaches.

Well well, Rob, seems you have returned. Heard you and Kaku didnt do too well in the Heaven Clash tournament, huh? The results have beendisappointing, to say the least.

Although Rob Lucci stares Spandam down with an icy cold stare, it is actually his pigeon, Hattori, who starts talking, You should talk, Spandam. WE put our butts on the line while YOU just sit back and reap the benefits, you measly coward.

Spandam violently puts down his cup of coffee and quickly stands up face-to-face with Rob, but knowing Luccis ferociousness and his killing spree, Spandam laughs nervously and steps back a little.

Come now, Rob. You are one of my most valuable members. I could never hold a grudge against you. Why dont we put all this behind and start carrying out the World Governments orders again?

Lucci raises an eyebrow as Hattori speaks, You mean.the Straw Hat Pirates, right?

Yeeeeeeah.and dont forget, that Monkey D. Luffy character will be there, too. Dont forget about that!

Lucci sneers as he looks aside, with Hattori spreading its wings, OK, consider it done! Ill do whatever I can to exact revenge on that little pirate punk. Leave it to me.

Spandam smirks, as he walks ahead, Dont forget, Rob. Your skills far surpass all others! Stay with me, and well stand on top of the world, as we should!

When Spandam leaves, Lucci takes out some bread crumbs from his trenchcoat pocket, and puts them on his palm for Hattori to feed off of.

Nice show there., Lucci finally says at his own will.

Thanks! Hey! Maybe we can upgrade from this lousy bread to some crutons or something? Maybe even some French toast!

Lucci narrows his eyes menacingly, Dont push it, bird brain.

Name: Rob Lucci
Sponsor: The Damned
Origin: One Piece manga/anime
Games: One Piece series
Company: Bandai
Won: Kamen Rider Kabuto, Taokaka
Lost: Guile
Fun fact: When Lucci was 13 years old, he was dispatched by the World Government to resolve a hostage situation in a faraway kingdom. However, not only did Lucci manslaughter the captors, but the kidnapped soldiers as well. The argument that Lucci gave behind his actions was that for soldiers, weakness is a sin, and having jeopardized the kingdom with their weakness, they deserved to die as well.

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#20

Location: Southtown

The Southtown skyline shines brightly in the night sky as another day falls in the fighting capital of the world, and this is definetly not slept on by the legendary Hungry Wolf, Terry Bogard, who has his drinks in an obligatory tourist spot for Southtown, the Pao Pao Caf. He is accompanied by his disciple, the son of his nemesis, Rock Howard. Rock looks oddly at his mentor while Terry downs yet another glass of whiskey.

Uhhhh.Terry?

Yeah, whats up, rookie?

I know you want to live life at its fullest, and that you always feel young and such, but.whats up with the throwback outfit?

Indeed, Terry, who for the longest time had worn his brown leather jacket and had a considerable haircut, has returned to his roots, back to his red star jacket, stone-washed jeans, Converse sneakers, and of course, his trademark cap. He smiles and tips his cap, What? You dont like it?! The classics are all the rage these days, rookie! I mean, come on, GET SERIOUS!

Rock shakes his head, Thats not what I meant. I mean, those clothes are SOOOOO 80s. And besides, do you REALLY want those pizza delivery boy jokes to come back? Seriously, do you?

Terry shrugs as he toys around with the ice cubes in his glass, Like I care! I agree, the jacket had some sentimental value and all, and the gruffy look was OK for a while, but SHALL WE? The cap is just obligatory, man. The chicks dig the cap.

Yeah, butdont we look a little bit TOO alike? I dont want people to confuse me on the streets with you.

Terry winks, Yeah, dont worry. I already have a reputation around these parts. I doubt people would mistake me for a loser like you!

Rock almost falls off his stool, Hey, cut it out, man! I definetly am waiting for my shot! And I do mean a meaningful entry in the KOF tournament! Not that Maximum Impact crap, but a REAL KOF. Im tired of just doing cameos in your victory poses!

Terry flashes the thumbs-up, TAKE IT EASY! Im sure your girly looks will net you some KOF appearances for sure. It worked for Kyo, it worked for Iori, it worked for Kand it even worked for Ash! So youre in the clear, dude! I cant say the same about your luck with the dames, though.

Rock blushes as he sips from his glass of vodka, HEY! What about you?!? Youre the tragic hero yourself, arent you?

Nah, dont believe all that shit you see in the anime. Masami Obari wanted me to look like an emo douchebag, but I get more pussy than a gynecologist! There is Mary, Lilly, and even that hottie Bonne Jenet wants a piece of me, if you know what Im sayin?

Rock rolls his eyes, I guess. Girls have a thing with the vagabound types.

At that moment, an old lady trips near the duo, and falls to the ground next to Terry. Rock makes a sarcastic grin, Speak of the devil.

Terry offers a hand to the fallen octagerian, Hey, missy, are you OK?

The geezer smiles, Why, yes, I have a scraped elbow, but in general, Im.

BUSTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH WUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULF!

An explosion shakens the whole caf as the old lady flies through the air into some tables, as Terry stands with his fist extended, having unleashed his fatal fury on the senior lady! Rock shakes his head in dismay.

Man, that meme is getting a little bit out of hand.

Name: Terry Bogard
Sponsor: Dragonsama
Origin: Fatal Fury
Games: Fatal Fury series, The King of Fighters series, Vs. series, SNK vs. Capcom Chaos, Neo Geo Battle Coliseum, SNK vs. Capcom Card Fighters Clash series
Company: SNK, Capcom
Won: Bo Jackson, Yoko Littner
Lost: Abraham Lincoln
Fun fact: The actual quote that Terry exclaims during his High Angle Geyser DM is still up to debate. Some say he shouts OH MY SHIT!, while some others say he actually expresses OVERHEAT!. Whatever it may be, they definetly sound corny due to Terrys degree in Engrish.

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