The Ansatsuken Kid 2: The Epilogue


#1

B.B. Hood was still getting adjusted to her new life. For about three months, she’d abandoned her day job as a bounty hunter to peruse a path towards self-discovery, brought on by her experiences with her last target, the Ansatsuken master Akuma. She learned to iron out her short temper, and gained a maturity she wouldn’t have otherwise grown into if it hadn’t been for the trials set forth by her master.

Unfortunately, Buletta quickly learned that the path of the warrior doesn’t pay the bills.

*I’m broke. The money Rugal paid me for Akuma a few months back got blocked by the government, the money I’d saved up from past jobs is quickly dwindling, I have a FUCKING DOG whom I have to buy dog food for, and I haven’t washed my dress in days because the water bill’s late. I could do what Akuma and that chump Ryu did, and just wander the countryside in a tattered old gi…or I could actually have a life.

Oh fuck it. Sorry Master Aku. Sorry Bruce Lee. Sorry John Carradine of Kung Fu. I need to take a bath everyday.*

Buletta slept comfortably that night in the apartment she kept in the Barrier Between the Human World and the Demon World (also known as New York City). She knew that tomorrow, instead of finding people to beat up on the street, she’d go looking for a goddamn job.

THE ANSATSUKEN KID 2: THE EPILOGUE

Starring:

Elisha Cuthbert as Baby Bonnie “Buletta” Hood
Zhang Ziyi as Hsien-Ko
Jean Reno as Akuma
Alexis Bledel (that chick from Gilmore Girls) as Lilith
Antonio Banderas as Ryu
Owen Wilson as Rock Howard
Samuel L. Jackson as Duck King

and others!

Buletta got up at 7 in the morning, which took her some effort. She had to drink a couple gallons of water before she went to bed, so she very nearly pissed herself when she woke up. The full bladder acted as her ghetto alarm clock.

“All for the money,” she encouraged herself weakly. Her dog whimpered at her feet, sensing the gravity of their poverty. “Shut up. I don’t see you supporting the household. Bitch.”

Her locked front door knocked furiously, behind it a person trying to get a hold of Bonnie. Fresh out of her pajamas, she answered in half-shut eyes: “The fuck do you want?” It was a young man, short blond hair, and a signature red jacket. Her annoying neighbor, Rock Howard.

“Hey, Buletta…you got a computer, right?”

“Uh…yeah…why?”

“Uh… can you burn me a CD? I’m gonna, like, need it today.”

“A CD? I’m kind of busy today, Rock. I’m job hunting.”

“It’ll only take a few minutes, I swear!” Rock pleaded. He had a very shaken up quality about him, and for some reason he always smelled like dust and mildew. “Hotaru’s coming here in a few hours, and I gotta have something for the mood! Look, I’ll pay you five bucks…”

“Five…bucks?” Buletta quickly calculated the pennies that a CD-R was worth versus the five bucks her price was. It was all very nearly profit. “…What do you want?”

“Hook me up with that Chamillionaire, Paul Wall, I want that Ludacris track with the Austin Powers beat… oh, and Mozart.”

“…Okay.” Buletta went right to work, starting up her computer, getting on DC++, and downloading all the music she needed from the HerV hub. A half hour later, Rock’s selections were burned onto a CD-R, with “ROCK’S FAGGOT MIX” scribbled quickly on the label with a black Sharpie.

“Yo, what’s this say? I can’t make it out…”

“It says it’s your CD, now go!” Buletta shoved Rock out the door and asked herself if she could really do this for a living. She thought about dealing with Rock Howard’s retarded ass every day, and decided against it. She knew at least one person in the city who could offer her a job.


“Uh, hello, Buletta… um, this is a pleasant surprise.”

“Hsien-ko! :slight_smile: How ya doin’ ghost Chink?”

An uncomfortable silence between the two remained for minutes. Hsien-ko had built for herself a modest empire of restaurants and food vendors all throughout Chinatown. In her comfortable office rouge office, ornamented with exquisite gold and jade trinkets, Hsien-ko sat without concern on her plush chair behind her ivory desk.

“…I’m well. So, what do you need?”

“Oh come on! We’re like, best buds, right?” Buletta smiled, again, but her lips and cheeks were fairly uncomfortable, actually smiling.

“The last time we met, we tried to kill eachother. On the rooftop of a Best Buy, no less.”

“It’s all water under the bridge to me, Hsien-ko-chan! ^_^”

“I see the same Best Buy through that window every day. In fact I can see it right now.” Hsien-ko pointed. “See, that’s where you tried to kill me.”

“…~_~” Buletta resigned. “You’re, like, the last person I wanted to turn to.”

“I can imagine that being so, yes.”

“But…I was wondering if you needed some extra muscle in any of your restaurants. Y’know, in case there are some sleazy gangs trying to push your managers into giving protection money. … I’ll fuck them up!”

“…actually…Maybe. I have one rib stand near this arcade. This rowdy gang keeps accosting my employees…I forgot their name, they’re rather small time. But this annoyance has gone on for a week now. Put a stop to it, and I’ll consider hiring you as a dishwasher for the Cuban Rice & Beans.”

“You…you mean it Hsien-ko?!”

“Yes, yes. Now beat up some punk kids, alright?” Hsien-ko smiled slightly before dismissing Buletta, who was jumping and skipping like the little girl she resembled.



#2

ANSATSUKEN KID IS BACK! :party:


#3

Best Casting Evar.

LOL at Bulletta going to the HerV hub.

Can’t wait for more.


#4

Hotaru Futaba was fairly new to New South. She barely even ventured beyond the citys border to Metro City and New York City. Hotaru did have an interesting journey outside of New South the previous day, which had been stuck in her mind since shed waken up this morning. At eleven in the morning, nibbling on a McDonalds Steak, Egg & Cheese bagel, the girl in a Chinese dress waited outside the apartment in a dimly lit hallway.

Still no response, even after shed rang the bell three times.

Rock! Rock!

Meanwhile, Rock Howard was taking his time prepping up the living room. He had the pillows plushed twice, the stereo system synced with a universal remote, and two glasses of Coke with Lime on the coffee table.

Hold on Hotaru! Rock yelled from behind the door. Hotaru leaned against the cockroach-ridden wall in the hallway, sighing wistfully while meditating on the previous day. Rock finally opened his apartment, bursting with excitement now that hed finally seen Hotaru after a long week. He elbow dashed towards her, canceled it into a 360 grab, and threw her onto the couch. Woops! Im just a little antsy this morning.

yeah Hotaru didnt seem to notice at all. She was disconnected from this world.

So, uh Rock trailed off. He quickly shuffled through the songs on the CD Buletta burned for him, finally stopping on track 07.

Hey how you doin lil mama? Lemme whisper in your ear
Tell you sumthing that you might like to hear
You got a sexy ass body and your ass look soft
Mind if I touch it and see if its soft?

Oh, shit, Rock thought. He skipped to the next track, a Jay-Z vs Linkin Park: Cardfighters Clash remix. Dammit B.B., what the hell did you burn me?!

Whatever. I figured youd be thirsty Hotaru, so Rock handed her the glass of Coke, but let it slip from his fingers and doused her lap with citric acid. He apologized profusely, although she didnt seem to care.

Rock, she finally said, I cant see you anymore.

Rocks jaw dropped.

huh?

I know weve become close, and you waited for me, but Im not prepared for any more commitments.

DAMMIT! DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT! Its been a month, and I was never even CLOSE to hitting it, wasnt I?! Rock reppukened the stereo in sheer rage. You couldve given me a clear-cut NO the first day I met you, but no!

You really are a pig-headed idiot, arent you?! Hotaru jumped out of her seat and started walking towards the door. I found Gato yesterday!

GaGato?! Rock stammered.

Not only does he not remember me, he threatened to kill me if I got any closer to him! Im sorry that I cant be more than a friend to you Rock, but I told you from the start that he was the highest on my list of priorities!

Hotaruabout Gatowhy is he here?

I saw him in New York. All I know was that he was moving rapidly from cities around the world. Rock, Im sorry. Hotaru left Rock dazed. He sat in his apartment staring at the ceiling for an hour before he could actually think about what had just happened.

Okayits been a month since I met her and I still cant hit it. Not till she deals with her brother first. What a dick. What an asshole. What a cockblocker! Hes the only reason I cant beast Hotaru! If I handle this problem myself Rock thought, pondered for a minute, and then leapt from his sofa.

Then its settled! Ill fuck up Gato!


You three are the weakest children to wander into this dojo. Akuma sat on a tatami mat in the sparring room of his floundering Ansatsuken school.

You dont have an option old man. Kurow Kirishima, his sister Yurika, and Momo Karuizawa stood before the Ansatsuken master all of five minutes without flinching. Havent I proven my strength enough? Do I not have all the citys high schools within the Darkside Councils grasp? You havent anyone left to pass on your dying art, and I intend to take your techniques by force if you do not cease your silly games!

Akuma suddenly stood up.

First of all, you are as presumptuous as you are stupid. True Ansatsuken lives on in another. Secondly, I dont care how many high school mascots you beat up. I dont even have a grade school education. Lastly, I cannot allow you, Kurow, to learn the sacred art of Ansatsuken simply because you are ill-equipped to pass the initiation rites.

Hehheh Kurow finally flinched. How stubborn. What rites do you speak of?

In order to learn True Ansatsuken, the student must give me a handjob. I will gladly teach your sister and the midget, but I will never permit you to use either my technique or my cock.

You bastard! Momo and Yurika had to restrain Kurow from leaping out at Akuma. You lecherous old joke!

Kurow, you know hes out of our league. Lets just go! Yurika pleaded.

Come on Kurow? What do you need his crummy old hadoukens for anyway? Momo cried out. And just for the record, Ill never give you a handjob!

A lesbian. I knew it. Akuma shook his head.

Fuck you old man! Momo flipped Akuma the bird before he grabbed her middle finger and crushed it in his fist. AGH! SHIT!!!

Kurow, we have to leave now! Yurika cried.

TchI wont forget this, Akuma! Kurow and his entourage left without another word. Akuma didnt allow himself to think any further on the nuisance that had just occurred, but rather on a feeling of spiritual discohesion hed had for days. The feeling of imbalance dwelled in Akumas chest for some time.

ThenI must go.


Now, I shouldnt hold you boys any longer than I have to, so I want you to listen carefully the first time. Morrigan Aensland rarely had occasion for guests in her towering gothic abode. Despite being one of the most powerful figures in this or any other universe, her own hospitality was slightly lacking, offering to her visitors a plate full of Fig Newtons and skim milk. The contract I made out for my other half expired a month ago, and I havent heard from that bounty hunter since. I presume that sending two men to find one nave little girl would be more advantageous than to send another little girl after her.

Whats her name? Sol Badguy asked, examining the bountys picture.

She is called Lilith, Morrigan replied.

I have a question too, Dante Sparda said, raising his hand. I want to fuck you.

That wasnt a question, retard. Sol corrected.

You didnt let me finish, asswipe. When, and where?

Never, and not in Hell. Morrigan replied. I want her alive and subdued, and you two will have to weaken her before shes in any condition to use.

Well, can I fuck her? Dante asked.

For fear of contamination, no. Morrigan answered. Ive been fairly patient for several millennia regarding this bounty, but dont take that as license to be as lethargic as the last hunter.

Out of curiositys sake, who was she? Sol asked.

Baby Bonnie Hood.


Skullo, am I the shit or what?! Dan Hibiki waved a wad of $100 bills in the air. Operating right in front of Chinatown Fair, full of sweaty nerdy gamersoffering them the same video game pussy they bust their nuts playing as! Except for the Big Four, of course.

Skullomania nodded. Both he and Hibiki were fully studded in purple pimp coats, gold pimp canes, and pink pimp lemonade. After a long drought for Shotopimps, they were back in business with a fresh stable of women at their disposal.

Whos on our Dream Match roster again Skullo? We got Son Son, Dizzy, Vice AND MatureBridget makes at least five grand a day, goddamn!

Skullo enthusiastically nodded. Both he and Dan stood outside Chinatown Fair, waiting for their lunch to roll by. Soon enough, a vending cart cautiously strolled past them.

Alright, lunch! They even hired some new kid to push the cart! Comon, Skullo! They hopped over the cart, which offered gyros and kabobs. You look new here, so they may not have given you the orientation over at Hsien-kos. Im Pimpmassa Dan, and thats Pimpmassa Skullo. Nod if you with me, Skullo. Alright. Now, see, we RUN this street, which should be obvious judging by our attire. Hey, there comes one of our ladies now.

Dan paused, waiting for the girl to glide above the street with money in her hand. She landed in front of the cart, smiling and bowing.

Good morning, Mr. Skullomania! Lilith cheerfully cried out. I worked extra hard last night! Skullomania smiled underneath his mask, and patted Lilith on the head.

Good! Lets treat you to lunch then while were all here. Kid, the three of usll have two gyros, each, with sodas. Make it snappy, alright? From behind the cart, in her white apron, black mesh cap, and sanitary gloves, Buletta finally snapped and shoved her two fingers violently into Dan Hibikis forehead.

Will you shut the fuck up?! Buletta clenched her fist and uppercutted Dan in his large chin. Hsien-ko told me about you guys! The both of you, listen up! she shouted at Skullo and Lilith. From now on, Chinatown Fair is everyones territory!

Hsien-ko?! More likeHsien-HO! Dan nearly died laughing. Am I right Skullo, am I right?!

Wait a second Buletta carefully examined the people standing before her. Her eyes trailed from Lilithand then to Dan. Youre Dan Hibiki arent you?!

Damn straight Im Dan! I dont know what bumpkin-ville you come from kid, but surely even Alabamans have heard of Dan Hibiki!

Akuma told me all about you. He said you were a puss.

WHAT?! WHAT NAME DID YOU SAY?! DID YOU JUST SAY AKUMA?! Dan cried out. HOW DO YOU KNOW HIM?!

I was his pupil! I distinctly remember him saying that it would have been hilarious if he could have tied you and his brother Gouken in a trash bag and hung it on a telephone wire.

?! Even though Gouken and I have long ago parted ways, I cant allow you to tarnish his memory with such SLANDER! Dan cried. On the honor of his memory, AND my fathers, I must punish you with my Saikyo-ryu!

You mean your pussy jab-and-roll? Buletta smirked. Whatever. Stop bothering Hsien-kos business so I can spare you the embarrassment of getting the shit smacked out of you in front of your jailbait girlfrie-wait a second Buletta took another look at Lilith. Arent you

Buletta recalled a memory from nearly a year ago, quickly after shed accepted Rugal Bernsteins contract on Akuma. It was a sordid trip back into the Makai world, accepting an invitation from Morrigan Aensland to track down her dear sister, Lilith. The cash infusion from the job would have been twice that of Akumas, but since she was already underway on the Akuma case, she had put that matter on the backburner until now.

Lilithheh hehhow long were you able to evade your sister now? A full year? Lilith gasped.

I guess its just bad luck for you that I went outside this morning Buletta cracked her knuckles. Buletta advanced, but Skullomania quickly launched Buletta back with a Skullo Dash. Ugh Buletta managed, having just been winded. Damn. At least I wont have to shut you up!