The Manifesto of Sir Lawrence


#1

In which I, His Baldness, dispense my knowledge, epiphanies, and general non sequiturs.

For my debut entry, I’d like to discuss the merits of numbers, specifically 1 through 10.

1-Still the loneliest number, even with the invention of free pornography. Capable of freeing humanity from the Matrix, but not from overly pretentious sequels. If number of black characters in film, death is certain.

2-Ideal number of male leads for buddy cop film, so long as one of them is black. Maximum number of roles that should be played by Jean-Claude Van Damme or Arnold Schwarzenegger in a single movie, and that’s pushing it. Point at which Rickrolling stopped being funny.

3-Smallest number that can qualify as a “party” according to lewd FM radio commercials. Arguably the best overall number in terms of balance between efficiency, size, and decision making. Versatility makes it ideal for baseball and search parties in Aliens movies, but insufficient for use in criminal justice.

4-Strong but difficult number to apply. Prone to deadlocks and poor management. Incapable of running at-level content without an overgeared healer or DPS. Usually the point at which a beloved franchise officially starts to suck UNLESS the third installment already killed said franchise, thereby offering a chance for a reboot. Solid group size for dance fighting under the overpass, being capable of quickly dispatching smaller gangs while fending off larger teams and participating in musical numbers. Ability to field two teams of two especially useful in lead up to final boss. Has considerable advantage over 5 in long road trips since nobody has to sit bitch.

5-Superior upgrade to 3 in most situations. Retains the odd numbers’ natural ability to break ties while maintaining an easily manageable group composition. Can also use 4’s capacity for splitting into two groups so long as numerical imbalance is a non-factor. Dividing into three teams possible but not recommended, as aliens will always find a way into whichever control room the lone person is occupying. Capable of running any non-heroic, non-raid instance even with quest greens, provided the healer and tank are competent and two of the three DPS know how to sidestep when standing in the fire. Time of day when televisions on the West Coast tune to Sunday Night Football by transforming into TIME PORTALS!

6-Incapable of undertaking road trips in just one 4-door sedan without breaking most seat belt laws. Minimum number of attractive idiots needed to maintain consistent drama on reality television (gender balance optional). Greatest strength is ability to divide into two teams of three, giving sitcom writers more leeway before jumping the shark. Splitting into three teams of two beneficial in theory, but rarely applicable since most evil organizations are structured around exponents of 2.

7-The film that saved David Fincher from being remembered as “that guy who directed Alien 3.” Bloated size makes it inferior to 3 and 5 in most situations, although it has a distinct advantage over the former in any heads-up match. Retains 5’s problems with survivability in control rooms. Ideal team composition for covert ops in Guatemala, since group size will guarantee at least one survivor despite Predator presence.

8-Number of children needed to ensure survivability of offspring before the invention of modern medicine. Now the number of children needed to ensure one is scorned by modern society. Point at which Evo gets the most hype and attention, albeit prone to disappointing finishes. Time of day when the East Coast wishes those dirty hippies out west would stop living in the past and get a real job. Strong group size when tackling the final dungeon, provided you didn’t forget to level the four other party members.

9-Last single digit and most unique in application. Combines the benefits of odd numbers with the evens’ ability to split into balanced groups, thus sparing a lone party member from certain death at the hands of well-lit control rooms. While not as popular as the aforementioned “2” structural method, exponents of 3 come in at a healthy second and are especially popular in video games. Can also field one team of 4 and one team of 5, a deadly combination in any musical so long as the player has good macro.

10-Maximum size any sane person should aim for when organizing a PvE guild. Point at which it is appropriate to start singing “The Final Countdown” during a shuttle launch or keg stand. Arguably the best album of the 90’s.

11-Proof that this list takes it to the extreme. Also one of the best (and easiest to miss) jokes in Toy Story 2.


#2

white people


#3

xD gooood shiit Rob


#4

Today’s topic: 5 Myths About White People (That Are Totally True)

#5 All White People Are Racist

True, but not for the reasons you might expect. White people are racist not because they actually hate non-whites, but because we’re contractually obligated to be racist. If we ever act otherwise, we risk forfeighting our signing bonus. So sayeth the Grand Poobah.

#4 White People Can’t Dance

Again, it’s not that we can’t dance, we’re just not allowed to. Acting uptight and awkward are vital components to our corporate image, so we make a point of outlawing anything that would count as “groovy” from daily activity.

#3 All White People Play Golf

True, but only after the age of 40. Our golf skills stay dormant until middle age, although early manifestations are not uncommon.

#2 White People Love Seinfeld

You bet your ass we do. Our superior sense of irony allows us to fully appreciate the macabre humor of Larry David.

#1 White People Love Cheese

Totally, 100% true. Any white person you know who doesn’t love cheese (or, worse yet, is lactose intolerant) is defective and should be immediately returned to the manufacturer. Warranty information can be found printed on the left hip bone.


#5

Seinfield is hilarious.


#6

gdi Robert.


#7

you bet your ass we do LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL


#8

I can’t stand seinfeld. Who is lawrence?


#9

<3 Rob.